The Measure of a Man

I'm working on a project in Chicago this week.  I was talking to a writer for the Chicago Tribune this afternoon about our opinions on how popular culture portrays men in sitcoms and adult animated TV like The Simpson's and Family Guy.  As we were talking I was reminded of a radio ad for a local brokerage firm.  This firm always uses some very creative anecdotes to relate real life events to financial investments.  One thing that stands out in my memory is a quote that is stated in a particular radio ad - "The measure of a man is not how he conducts himself when times are good - but how he conducts himself in adversity".  I submit to you that Homer Simpson or Peter from Family Guy are not stalwart role models of how to measure a man.  

On the other hand - who is?  As men who are in the trenches, fighting the everyday battles of marriages and parenthood, who are the generals that we look to for direction?  I know a few.  You can look back in the blog and see descriptions of one or two.  Yet, for you, maybe there aren't any.  Maybe the man you once looked to as a role model has let you down.  Or, in my case, one of my role models passed away.  If you feel like you're in this by yourself and there isn't anyone to help you find your way through the trees, I encourage you join our Yahoo Group.  There's a button on the right that will take you there.  There are some good men plugged in that can give you some solid advice for the difficulties you face.  And if you're one of those guys with a few decades of time in your marriage, I'd like to invite you to join as well.  

It's important that we help each other.  No man can go it alone and succeed in relationships - whether in marriage or in parenting.  A husband or father floundering in adversity is in a dangerous place.  There is strength and support in the collective nature of a group of Christian men.  We can't take the adversity away, but we can help a man steer between the land mines and get to the other side on solid ground.  

Thanks for stopping by.

Do you really want to know?

I know this guy who struggles as a self-employed painter.  He has a wonderful wife, eight children (3 girls / 5 boys), and a small petting zoo.  Like a lot of people, he lives paycheck to paycheck and takes jobs where he can get them.  If you've ever heard the  phrase "Find a job you like and you'll never work a day in your life." - that's Donny.  He loves to paint and he can't imagine doing anything else to make a living.  

I've been helping Donny paint a condo this week.  We've had a lot of time to get to know each other better than we have before.  Last night he picked me up to head out to the condo and I asked him "How's it going"?  His reply was "Do you really want to know"?  Then he told me that he's been working for a temp agency that markets itself to construction companies and builders.  They've been keeping him pretty busy during the days and he's been able to line up some side work for the evenings.  With this, he's felt like he's been able to get out from behind the eight-ball a bit financially.  Yesterday, they told him that they don't have any  more work for him.  They'd call when they need him.  

So, Donny has been laid off.  He's angry, scared, and discouraged.  But there's something very cool about what happened during that ride to the condo.  It's not that I had a chance to encourage him.  It's not that I urged him to keep his eyes on God and that He will provide for his family.  It's not that I had the chance to pray with him (which I didn't do but maybe should have).  The really cool part of the whole thing is that he asked me "Do you really want to know"?

Men tend to be isolationists.  Popular culture tells us that we don't cry, we suck it up and deal with it, and we need to be strong enough to handle things on our own.  While I'm thankful that Donny didn't cry, he made the choice to share and receive the encouragement that can come from another male who's been through some of the same experiences.  He didn't feel like he could suck it up and deal with it by himself.  He needed something more.

We all need something more than ourselves.  We need to support each other, encourage each other.  That's how it's supposed to work.

In church Saturday night, I listened to one of the most convicting messages I've ever heard.  After spending the week leading up to Mother's day weekend at odds with the mother of my children, I walked in - sat down - and was told that the subject of the message was "Why We Fight".  My wife and I sort of looked at each other dumbfounded - as if God was somehow holding us up at the poster marriage for how NOT to get a long.  

Two things stuck with me through the week.  First, most of the time, the reason we fight is because someone is not getting what they want - and someone is going to pay.  Tension in a relationship comes to a boil because of unfilled needs or expectations.  While this may not be the only reason for quarrels, it's very common.  Second, I was taught to look at issues in my marriage like a boxing ring (or professional wrestling).  A marriage is a ring in which two people do battle with everyday issues.  The trick is to keep myself and my spouse fighting together against the issues - combining our gifts, strengths, and resources.  When the issue moves between us, we focus on battling each other and not the issue.  

As men, part of being leaders in our marriages and families is to have an awareness of when 

someone isn't getting what they want.  Once we are aware of this, we can come along side our spouses and children to fight for them and not against them.  

Granted this is one tool in the toolbox for dealing with conflict resolution.  Still, it's a tool I didn't have before.  If you'd like to hear this message, I put a link to it in the links section of the blog.  If you have any trouble accessing it, post a comment here and I'll help you.

Thanks for checking in.

Family Leadership

In the coming weeks I'm going to begin work, alongside my wife, on the fourth chapter of my book. It's important to me that I take my time with this one and really work through the research so that I get it right.  The chapter is about how a man appropriately and effectively leads his marriage and his family.  I feel that it's important to involve my spouse in this project because it will not only help us to more clearly identify the expectations and roles in our  own marriage - it will also lend some credibility to the concept as a whole.  

In today's popular culture men are picked on and promoted as lovable idiots who are ineffective and incapable of anything but generating a paycheck.  Prime time sitcoms on TV clearly establish women as more intelligent, effective, and better leaders than their bumbling spouses. In reality, men may deserve some part of the bad rap they've received.  I've been blessed with a large group of close friends.  Yet in that relatively large group nearly all of the men/husbands/fathers are men of integrity and character.  A few of them are guys that I wish

I could be more like.  And there are those few who need to (but probably won't ever) step up and become what they're families need them to be.

Underneath all this is my desire to encourage married men to be the best husbands and fathers that they can be.  I want them to discover the benefits of rolling up their sleeves and working toward a better relationship instead of settling for the way things have always been done.  I want to have a part - even if a small one - in making someone's marriage better than it is today.  

Thanks for stopping by and reading.