Encouragement 101

In the last week I've really been made aware of the value of encouragement and of the large number of people who desperately need it. There are two people in my personal life who are in crisis and I answered a call for help from one of my facebook friends who posted a "lament" about bad things happening to a friend of hers. I have a good friend who is far from home and his support group, and is drowning in the struggle to find and keep a job and establish himself in a new community. The past 24 hours have found me trying to figure out how to encourage him - man to man.

My answer to most of these types of questions is to get back to basics. So, this morning I cracked open the Good Book and started thumbing my way through the New Testament. I wonder how many men are like me - plenty familiar with the front half of the New Testament but not so much with the back half. There's some great stuff back there! The Apostle Paul does a lot of encouraging through letters to pastors in the middle part of the New Testament. His letters to the Philippians, Titus, Timothy, and the Hebrews are all about encouragement and motivation. In my back to basics philosophy, you can not only receive encouragement from these books of the Bible but you can also take a lesson in the how to's of encouragement as well. If there's someone in your life that has really hit a rough stretch of road in life and needs some propping up, this is where you figure out how to do it. Most of these books are not a long read - some of them can be read in just a few minutes.

I am by no means an expert in encouragement. Yet, I think there's a right way and a wrong way to encourage someone. In my efforts to encourage my friend I'm taking some cues from the way Paul writes his letters and I've found a few things that might help you if you're in the same boat.

1. The template.
   I've been accused of being very analytical and left brained, rigidly conforming to templates for my actions and reactions to things in life. While that may be a valid criticism of my habits, I think there is some value in it. Paul's letters of encouragement all have similar elements. There's a greeting before he gets down to business. Paul uses the greeting to express his heartfelt love and concern for the people he's writing to. Then he gets down to business. He addresses issues with heartfelt sincerety and sound principles. Paul is a master at delivering love with accountability - truth with grace. In the end, he turns personal again, leaving the reader with a very heartfelt goodbye.
   
   
2. Grace and Peace
   Frequently, in his letters, Paul starts out the letter by using the phrase "Grace and Peace be with you". I think it's important that those two elements become the goal of our encouragement. Grace and peace come from God - no where else. But we who are doing the encouragement are the hands and feet of God. We men, as brother's in Christ, are the method by which God delivers his grace and peace. I think it's really important that we keep this in the forefront of our minds when we set out to encourage and motivate another person.
   
   
3. Prayer.
   Paul prayed a lot! Often, when we are in a position to encourage someone it happens over a peroid of time and not for just one point in time (i.e. death of a family member, loss of job, divorce, etc). Pray for the person you're encouraging consistantly. Yes, it's possible that this means doing something you're not used to.
   
   
4. Truth and Grace.
   As I said before - Paul was a master at delivering accountability with a purpose. One of the venue pastors from my church said to me once "Grace always follows truth.". Accountabilty is important. At times, the reason why someone may need encouragement is because of consequences from poor choices they have made. When this is the case, as brothers in Christ, we need to shine the light on that and see it for what it is. However, grace needs to follow that truth. It has to be communicated in love and support - never with condemnation and condecention. Paul sometimes throws in references to his own failures in order to support his point of grace and to remind his reader that they're in the same boat. In other cases people are in bad spots through no fault of their own. A little different approach might be in order here. Remind them that God loves them and is in control of everything. This can be really difficult sometimes. I'm struggling with this myself. Sometimes it seems that the words "Jesus loves you" and $2 will buy you a coffee at Starbucks. My advice, for lack of anything better, is to acknowledge those feelings but continue to validate the truth. "I know that might be hard to believe right now, but it's true - God cares for you."
   
   
5. Teach - Don't Preach
   Paul always manages to maintain an attitude of sincerity. Many times, as he writes, he explains how his teaching is in their best interest. He communicate that the motivation for his teaching is because he cares for them so much and wants the very best for them. This is another critical element anytime you set out to encourage someone.
   
   
6. Humor.
   I often wonder why the writers of the contents of the Bible never included anything funny? I have been blessed by some very funny people in my life and I have recognized the asset that humor can be when encouraging someone. There are physical and emotional benefits to laughter and I think this can be an important part of encouragement - even if it's just to get someone's mind off their troubles for a few minutes. Just be careful to keep the humor appropriate. Racy or inappropriate jokes (not to be confused with bad jokes or groaners) can lead you down a path you're tying to avoid in the first place.
   
   
7. The wrap up.
   I think it's important when you end your time with someone that you do two things - pray together and let them know you love them.
   

I've written this for two reasons - First, I hope you find some value in what's written in this post. Second, one learns by doing. To that end I'm teaching myself by writing this to you. If you have anything to add, or if you think something needs to be corrected, please grab the comment box and give me your thoughts.

Thanks for tuning in.

Grace and Peace

I've been doing some work in the Bible - specifically First Peter.  For those of you not as familiar with the Bible as others - a lot of the books in the New Testament are letters written to groups of people - most often churches.  Each letter starts out with a greeting.  When I read these letters i tend to blow through the greetings and get to the heart of the letter.  But when I started it this time I was stopped short by a very small sentence at the end of the greeting.  

"Grace and Peace be with you in abundance."  

I thought about this for a while and wondered how that fits in marriage relationships.  I've decided that, in a marriage, grace and peace isn't something that appears with the wave of a magic wand.  It isn't a supernatural state of being that you pray for and, through an act of God, appears in your home.  Grace and peace is something you work for.   It's a practice - a lifestyle choice, if you will.  

Grace is defined as the gift from God.  The gift is forgiveness of sins.  Because through the gift of grace our sins are forgiven, we are held up as perfect and so we have eternal life.  Grace was made possible ONLY through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  You can't buy it.  You can't earn it like a paycheck.  Once you accept the the gift of grace you can't lose it.  Claim it as your own and it's yours - it's that simple.  Okay - end of Bible school.

In a marriage, peace follows grace.  Grace is when you've been wronged by your spouse, but you realize the goodness in them as a whole and make the decision to forgive.  Through open communication and forgiveness peace happens.  Forgiveness and humility go hand in hand.  Nothing diffuses a tension and brings about peace faster than an apology made with sincerity and a soft heart.  This I know from experience.  

Now, I can hear you sound off with two objections.  First, "If I tell her that she's hurt me and I forgive her, I'll come off as condescending and she'll snap!"  My response to you is that, if your marriage is like mine, there's enough hurt to go around.  So put the two together.  Diffuse the situation with the "I'm sorry" (sincerely and with a soft heart).   Then you can open up the communication and talk about your hurts and offer your own grace to the situation.  The second objection I hear is "I don't want to say I'm sorry!  I didn't start this!"  The truth is that if grace needs to be restored to your relationship and "she's lost that lovin' feelin", you need to set your pride aside and get over yourself.  After all - do you want to be right -  or do you want the grace and peace?

Don't get discouraged if you try this and it doesn't work the first time.  Grace and peace in your marriage is like your golf swing.  It takes practice - effort - you have to "work" at it.  What's more, don't do this on your own.  Share the concept with your spouse so they know what's going on.  It works better if both of you know what's going on.  

One last point.  What this does NOT say is that you need to become a doormat and be taken advantage of or be abused.  If that's happening to you, get some help.  Talk to your pastor, see a counselor, or start with a note here for a second opinion.  

Thanks for stopping by.