Encouragement 101

In the last week I've really been made aware of the value of encouragement and of the large number of people who desperately need it. There are two people in my personal life who are in crisis and I answered a call for help from one of my facebook friends who posted a "lament" about bad things happening to a friend of hers. I have a good friend who is far from home and his support group, and is drowning in the struggle to find and keep a job and establish himself in a new community. The past 24 hours have found me trying to figure out how to encourage him - man to man.

My answer to most of these types of questions is to get back to basics. So, this morning I cracked open the Good Book and started thumbing my way through the New Testament. I wonder how many men are like me - plenty familiar with the front half of the New Testament but not so much with the back half. There's some great stuff back there! The Apostle Paul does a lot of encouraging through letters to pastors in the middle part of the New Testament. His letters to the Philippians, Titus, Timothy, and the Hebrews are all about encouragement and motivation. In my back to basics philosophy, you can not only receive encouragement from these books of the Bible but you can also take a lesson in the how to's of encouragement as well. If there's someone in your life that has really hit a rough stretch of road in life and needs some propping up, this is where you figure out how to do it. Most of these books are not a long read - some of them can be read in just a few minutes.

I am by no means an expert in encouragement. Yet, I think there's a right way and a wrong way to encourage someone. In my efforts to encourage my friend I'm taking some cues from the way Paul writes his letters and I've found a few things that might help you if you're in the same boat.

1. The template.
   I've been accused of being very analytical and left brained, rigidly conforming to templates for my actions and reactions to things in life. While that may be a valid criticism of my habits, I think there is some value in it. Paul's letters of encouragement all have similar elements. There's a greeting before he gets down to business. Paul uses the greeting to express his heartfelt love and concern for the people he's writing to. Then he gets down to business. He addresses issues with heartfelt sincerety and sound principles. Paul is a master at delivering love with accountability - truth with grace. In the end, he turns personal again, leaving the reader with a very heartfelt goodbye.
   
   
2. Grace and Peace
   Frequently, in his letters, Paul starts out the letter by using the phrase "Grace and Peace be with you". I think it's important that those two elements become the goal of our encouragement. Grace and peace come from God - no where else. But we who are doing the encouragement are the hands and feet of God. We men, as brother's in Christ, are the method by which God delivers his grace and peace. I think it's really important that we keep this in the forefront of our minds when we set out to encourage and motivate another person.
   
   
3. Prayer.
   Paul prayed a lot! Often, when we are in a position to encourage someone it happens over a peroid of time and not for just one point in time (i.e. death of a family member, loss of job, divorce, etc). Pray for the person you're encouraging consistantly. Yes, it's possible that this means doing something you're not used to.
   
   
4. Truth and Grace.
   As I said before - Paul was a master at delivering accountability with a purpose. One of the venue pastors from my church said to me once "Grace always follows truth.". Accountabilty is important. At times, the reason why someone may need encouragement is because of consequences from poor choices they have made. When this is the case, as brothers in Christ, we need to shine the light on that and see it for what it is. However, grace needs to follow that truth. It has to be communicated in love and support - never with condemnation and condecention. Paul sometimes throws in references to his own failures in order to support his point of grace and to remind his reader that they're in the same boat. In other cases people are in bad spots through no fault of their own. A little different approach might be in order here. Remind them that God loves them and is in control of everything. This can be really difficult sometimes. I'm struggling with this myself. Sometimes it seems that the words "Jesus loves you" and $2 will buy you a coffee at Starbucks. My advice, for lack of anything better, is to acknowledge those feelings but continue to validate the truth. "I know that might be hard to believe right now, but it's true - God cares for you."
   
   
5. Teach - Don't Preach
   Paul always manages to maintain an attitude of sincerity. Many times, as he writes, he explains how his teaching is in their best interest. He communicate that the motivation for his teaching is because he cares for them so much and wants the very best for them. This is another critical element anytime you set out to encourage someone.
   
   
6. Humor.
   I often wonder why the writers of the contents of the Bible never included anything funny? I have been blessed by some very funny people in my life and I have recognized the asset that humor can be when encouraging someone. There are physical and emotional benefits to laughter and I think this can be an important part of encouragement - even if it's just to get someone's mind off their troubles for a few minutes. Just be careful to keep the humor appropriate. Racy or inappropriate jokes (not to be confused with bad jokes or groaners) can lead you down a path you're tying to avoid in the first place.
   
   
7. The wrap up.
   I think it's important when you end your time with someone that you do two things - pray together and let them know you love them.
   

I've written this for two reasons - First, I hope you find some value in what's written in this post. Second, one learns by doing. To that end I'm teaching myself by writing this to you. If you have anything to add, or if you think something needs to be corrected, please grab the comment box and give me your thoughts.

Thanks for tuning in.

Do you really want to know?

I know this guy who struggles as a self-employed painter.  He has a wonderful wife, eight children (3 girls / 5 boys), and a small petting zoo.  Like a lot of people, he lives paycheck to paycheck and takes jobs where he can get them.  If you've ever heard the  phrase "Find a job you like and you'll never work a day in your life." - that's Donny.  He loves to paint and he can't imagine doing anything else to make a living.  

I've been helping Donny paint a condo this week.  We've had a lot of time to get to know each other better than we have before.  Last night he picked me up to head out to the condo and I asked him "How's it going"?  His reply was "Do you really want to know"?  Then he told me that he's been working for a temp agency that markets itself to construction companies and builders.  They've been keeping him pretty busy during the days and he's been able to line up some side work for the evenings.  With this, he's felt like he's been able to get out from behind the eight-ball a bit financially.  Yesterday, they told him that they don't have any  more work for him.  They'd call when they need him.  

So, Donny has been laid off.  He's angry, scared, and discouraged.  But there's something very cool about what happened during that ride to the condo.  It's not that I had a chance to encourage him.  It's not that I urged him to keep his eyes on God and that He will provide for his family.  It's not that I had the chance to pray with him (which I didn't do but maybe should have).  The really cool part of the whole thing is that he asked me "Do you really want to know"?

Men tend to be isolationists.  Popular culture tells us that we don't cry, we suck it up and deal with it, and we need to be strong enough to handle things on our own.  While I'm thankful that Donny didn't cry, he made the choice to share and receive the encouragement that can come from another male who's been through some of the same experiences.  He didn't feel like he could suck it up and deal with it by himself.  He needed something more.

We all need something more than ourselves.  We need to support each other, encourage each other.  That's how it's supposed to work.

Family Leadership

In the coming weeks I'm going to begin work, alongside my wife, on the fourth chapter of my book. It's important to me that I take my time with this one and really work through the research so that I get it right.  The chapter is about how a man appropriately and effectively leads his marriage and his family.  I feel that it's important to involve my spouse in this project because it will not only help us to more clearly identify the expectations and roles in our  own marriage - it will also lend some credibility to the concept as a whole.  

In today's popular culture men are picked on and promoted as lovable idiots who are ineffective and incapable of anything but generating a paycheck.  Prime time sitcoms on TV clearly establish women as more intelligent, effective, and better leaders than their bumbling spouses. In reality, men may deserve some part of the bad rap they've received.  I've been blessed with a large group of close friends.  Yet in that relatively large group nearly all of the men/husbands/fathers are men of integrity and character.  A few of them are guys that I wish

I could be more like.  And there are those few who need to (but probably won't ever) step up and become what they're families need them to be.

Underneath all this is my desire to encourage married men to be the best husbands and fathers that they can be.  I want them to discover the benefits of rolling up their sleeves and working toward a better relationship instead of settling for the way things have always been done.  I want to have a part - even if a small one - in making someone's marriage better than it is today.  

Thanks for stopping by and reading.

The Lonely Ranger

Most psych people will tell you that a man's self esteem is mainly tied to his job. When we as men have a great job, good pay, and the respect of our peers, life is good. But what about those times when we macho men and our jobs aren't so well? What happens when the job leaves us? Where do we get our sense of self then? Our strength of character leaves us. We become vulnerable and unsure. For most men, vulnerability and uncertainty equate to inadequacy and feelings of weakness. I know it does for me.

I live in Michigan where the economy is terrible and jobs are lost by the dozens. Men are out of work and scrambling to do anything they can to produce income. If you're in a crappy job or a situation where you have no work and are struggling to find a job, I 'd like you to consider something. Consider that your worth as a man may be seen elsewhere. Instead of looking at your paycheck to measure your weight as a man, look to a community of men.

No man is an island and I don't believe we were created to be lone wolves. In today's popular culture Hollywood and the advertising people would like us to believe that real men don't cry and are rock solid in the face of crisis. The lifestyles of both men and women in today's culture approach insane levels of required energy and committment of time - and that is when things are going well. When the proverbial monkey wrench is thrown into the mix it can send any person, man or woman - husband or wife - mom or dad - into fits.

I would like you to consider that in order for us as men to be effective leaders of our families (in good times or in bad times) we need to draw on the collective strength of each other. I can tell you from my experiences that I could not have made it to where I am today without key men in my life that have surrounded me with love and encouragement and helped me through the difficult times. If I were on my own Iwouldn't be here writing this post.

Are you alone, overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, pissed off, or defeated? If you said yes to any one of these I encourage you to find another man, or a group of men, and share what you're going through. Just be careful who you choose to share with. A bar tender, bowling league guy, or your wife's best friend are probably not wise choices. Choose someone who will encourage you to walk a good path. This isn't always easy to do. If you can't find anyone, share here. There are men here that will encourage you through this blog.

Regardless of who or where you share your struggles in life, don't make the decision to go it alone. By making that choice you set yourself up for failure. Plug in to a community of men and draw on the strength of the collective. Restore your sense of self worth by accepting the encouragement of another male. Then face the world ready to do battle knowing you're part of the army and not the Lone Ranger.