Serve your way to Significance

By now you know that I'm a big proponent of male leadership in marriage and home.  When I talk to people about husbands and wives and the roles they play in a marriage I get all kinds of responses.  When I talk about the roles of husbands and wives in the context of the Bible things get even more interesting, especially when I'm talking to women.  If you've read any of my stuff you know that I hold I Peter 3:1-7 as the model for Christian marriages.  Why Peter decided to talk about the woman's role first I have no idea.  People get so upset of the first two or three verses that they never get to verse 7.  

I Peter 3:1-7

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

 7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These verses are not about stuffing women into insignificance while promoting men above them.  In fact, in verse 7 Peter says just the opposite.  In terms of salvation and eternal life, women are equals. 

Male leadership in the marriage is NOT:

• Oppressive - "I will decide for my wife!"
• Dictatorial - "You will do as I say!"
• Egotistical - "I know what's best!"

Luke adds another twist to things when he recounts the experience of the last supper before the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

 24Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. 27For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.

If we overlay the statements of Jesus according to Luke over top of what Peter says in I Peter 3:7 we get a clear picture of how men achieve significance in our marriages.  Significance (i.e. effective leadership) is achieved through an attitude - service.  

Male leadership, as God intended it, IS: supportive, considerate, loving, collaborative, wise, respectful, humble, transparent, teaching by example, and dependent on the Holy Spirit.  Honestly, what wife wouldn't want this in a husband?

Here are two examples:

First, check out a book called the 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.  If you don't have it, buy a copy.  In the book Dr Chapman refers to 5 basic behaviors that husbands and wives both relate to.  Everyone can relate to words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  Dr. Chapman challenges husbands and wives to learn not only what your love language is - but more importantly, the love language of your spouse.  Then, speak to her in that language.   

The second example goes back to a chat I had with Michigan State Senator, Bill Hardiman.  Mr Hardiman talked to me about sowing seeds.  He recounted to me a time in his marriage when his wife was angry with him all the time and they were miserable together.  Faced with divorcing a second time, he decided to make some changes.  He called it "sowing good seeds".  He encouraged me by saying that all seed takes time to grow - even the bad seeds.  If you've been sowing bad seed it's still going to grow and you have to deal with the responsibility of what you've sown.  Yet, he was very specific in saying that the same is true of sowing good seed.  It takes time to grow.  You don't plant a kernel of corn today and get a full ear tomorrow.  Still, the more you sow the better off you'll be in the future.   Mr Hardiman's consistent effort to sow good seed over time proved to be the thing that turned his marriage around.  Over time, the bad stuff ran it's course and died out.   In it's place, the good seeds grew and the good things in his relationship with his wife grew.

Both Dr. Chapman and Senator Hardiman show us how an attitude of service can help us answer God's call to leadership and significance in our marriages and in our homes.  

In I John 13:17, the Apostle John says, "Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."  

Thanks for stopping by.

Do you really want to know?

I know this guy who struggles as a self-employed painter.  He has a wonderful wife, eight children (3 girls / 5 boys), and a small petting zoo.  Like a lot of people, he lives paycheck to paycheck and takes jobs where he can get them.  If you've ever heard the  phrase "Find a job you like and you'll never work a day in your life." - that's Donny.  He loves to paint and he can't imagine doing anything else to make a living.  

I've been helping Donny paint a condo this week.  We've had a lot of time to get to know each other better than we have before.  Last night he picked me up to head out to the condo and I asked him "How's it going"?  His reply was "Do you really want to know"?  Then he told me that he's been working for a temp agency that markets itself to construction companies and builders.  They've been keeping him pretty busy during the days and he's been able to line up some side work for the evenings.  With this, he's felt like he's been able to get out from behind the eight-ball a bit financially.  Yesterday, they told him that they don't have any  more work for him.  They'd call when they need him.  

So, Donny has been laid off.  He's angry, scared, and discouraged.  But there's something very cool about what happened during that ride to the condo.  It's not that I had a chance to encourage him.  It's not that I urged him to keep his eyes on God and that He will provide for his family.  It's not that I had the chance to pray with him (which I didn't do but maybe should have).  The really cool part of the whole thing is that he asked me "Do you really want to know"?

Men tend to be isolationists.  Popular culture tells us that we don't cry, we suck it up and deal with it, and we need to be strong enough to handle things on our own.  While I'm thankful that Donny didn't cry, he made the choice to share and receive the encouragement that can come from another male who's been through some of the same experiences.  He didn't feel like he could suck it up and deal with it by himself.  He needed something more.

We all need something more than ourselves.  We need to support each other, encourage each other.  That's how it's supposed to work.

The Lonely Ranger

Most psych people will tell you that a man's self esteem is mainly tied to his job. When we as men have a great job, good pay, and the respect of our peers, life is good. But what about those times when we macho men and our jobs aren't so well? What happens when the job leaves us? Where do we get our sense of self then? Our strength of character leaves us. We become vulnerable and unsure. For most men, vulnerability and uncertainty equate to inadequacy and feelings of weakness. I know it does for me.

I live in Michigan where the economy is terrible and jobs are lost by the dozens. Men are out of work and scrambling to do anything they can to produce income. If you're in a crappy job or a situation where you have no work and are struggling to find a job, I 'd like you to consider something. Consider that your worth as a man may be seen elsewhere. Instead of looking at your paycheck to measure your weight as a man, look to a community of men.

No man is an island and I don't believe we were created to be lone wolves. In today's popular culture Hollywood and the advertising people would like us to believe that real men don't cry and are rock solid in the face of crisis. The lifestyles of both men and women in today's culture approach insane levels of required energy and committment of time - and that is when things are going well. When the proverbial monkey wrench is thrown into the mix it can send any person, man or woman - husband or wife - mom or dad - into fits.

I would like you to consider that in order for us as men to be effective leaders of our families (in good times or in bad times) we need to draw on the collective strength of each other. I can tell you from my experiences that I could not have made it to where I am today without key men in my life that have surrounded me with love and encouragement and helped me through the difficult times. If I were on my own Iwouldn't be here writing this post.

Are you alone, overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, pissed off, or defeated? If you said yes to any one of these I encourage you to find another man, or a group of men, and share what you're going through. Just be careful who you choose to share with. A bar tender, bowling league guy, or your wife's best friend are probably not wise choices. Choose someone who will encourage you to walk a good path. This isn't always easy to do. If you can't find anyone, share here. There are men here that will encourage you through this blog.

Regardless of who or where you share your struggles in life, don't make the decision to go it alone. By making that choice you set yourself up for failure. Plug in to a community of men and draw on the strength of the collective. Restore your sense of self worth by accepting the encouragement of another male. Then face the world ready to do battle knowing you're part of the army and not the Lone Ranger.

My Elevator Story

A few years ago I saw a number of marriages and relationships of people very close to me end in divorce. This bothered me a lot and I felt the need to take some kind of action. First and foremost, I talked to my close married friends and checked in with them to make sure their marriages were okay. But I felt I needed to do more. I felt I had something to say. A friend of mine suggested that I write a book. At first I resisted. I thought that any book I could write would be lost in the noise of all the other relationship books and self-help books. But as I became increasingly frustrated with having something to say and not having anyone to say it to, I began to write.

Now I am committed to actually finishing what I started rather than a half hearted attempt at using this writing as nothing more than personal therapy. The book is about what a real man looks like in the context of Christianity, marriage, and fatherhood. It pulls no punches. It confronts issues of being a husband and father head on. No topic is taboo or spared. It holds men accountable for their responsibilities and calls out women to respect men who make a committed effort to live up to those responsibilities. This book is rooted in the Bible and the example of Jesus Christ.

A book is a static work. However, this blog is intended to be a dynamic environment where married people (men in particular) can come and dialog, vent, and otherwise communicate themselves in order to have a voice. No doubt it will be a big tool in writing my book. Yet, I hope that it is more than that.

Thanks for tuning in.