Do you really want to know?

I know this guy who struggles as a self-employed painter.  He has a wonderful wife, eight children (3 girls / 5 boys), and a small petting zoo.  Like a lot of people, he lives paycheck to paycheck and takes jobs where he can get them.  If you've ever heard the  phrase "Find a job you like and you'll never work a day in your life." - that's Donny.  He loves to paint and he can't imagine doing anything else to make a living.  

I've been helping Donny paint a condo this week.  We've had a lot of time to get to know each other better than we have before.  Last night he picked me up to head out to the condo and I asked him "How's it going"?  His reply was "Do you really want to know"?  Then he told me that he's been working for a temp agency that markets itself to construction companies and builders.  They've been keeping him pretty busy during the days and he's been able to line up some side work for the evenings.  With this, he's felt like he's been able to get out from behind the eight-ball a bit financially.  Yesterday, they told him that they don't have any  more work for him.  They'd call when they need him.  

So, Donny has been laid off.  He's angry, scared, and discouraged.  But there's something very cool about what happened during that ride to the condo.  It's not that I had a chance to encourage him.  It's not that I urged him to keep his eyes on God and that He will provide for his family.  It's not that I had the chance to pray with him (which I didn't do but maybe should have).  The really cool part of the whole thing is that he asked me "Do you really want to know"?

Men tend to be isolationists.  Popular culture tells us that we don't cry, we suck it up and deal with it, and we need to be strong enough to handle things on our own.  While I'm thankful that Donny didn't cry, he made the choice to share and receive the encouragement that can come from another male who's been through some of the same experiences.  He didn't feel like he could suck it up and deal with it by himself.  He needed something more.

We all need something more than ourselves.  We need to support each other, encourage each other.  That's how it's supposed to work.

The Lonely Ranger

Most psych people will tell you that a man's self esteem is mainly tied to his job. When we as men have a great job, good pay, and the respect of our peers, life is good. But what about those times when we macho men and our jobs aren't so well? What happens when the job leaves us? Where do we get our sense of self then? Our strength of character leaves us. We become vulnerable and unsure. For most men, vulnerability and uncertainty equate to inadequacy and feelings of weakness. I know it does for me.

I live in Michigan where the economy is terrible and jobs are lost by the dozens. Men are out of work and scrambling to do anything they can to produce income. If you're in a crappy job or a situation where you have no work and are struggling to find a job, I 'd like you to consider something. Consider that your worth as a man may be seen elsewhere. Instead of looking at your paycheck to measure your weight as a man, look to a community of men.

No man is an island and I don't believe we were created to be lone wolves. In today's popular culture Hollywood and the advertising people would like us to believe that real men don't cry and are rock solid in the face of crisis. The lifestyles of both men and women in today's culture approach insane levels of required energy and committment of time - and that is when things are going well. When the proverbial monkey wrench is thrown into the mix it can send any person, man or woman - husband or wife - mom or dad - into fits.

I would like you to consider that in order for us as men to be effective leaders of our families (in good times or in bad times) we need to draw on the collective strength of each other. I can tell you from my experiences that I could not have made it to where I am today without key men in my life that have surrounded me with love and encouragement and helped me through the difficult times. If I were on my own Iwouldn't be here writing this post.

Are you alone, overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, pissed off, or defeated? If you said yes to any one of these I encourage you to find another man, or a group of men, and share what you're going through. Just be careful who you choose to share with. A bar tender, bowling league guy, or your wife's best friend are probably not wise choices. Choose someone who will encourage you to walk a good path. This isn't always easy to do. If you can't find anyone, share here. There are men here that will encourage you through this blog.

Regardless of who or where you share your struggles in life, don't make the decision to go it alone. By making that choice you set yourself up for failure. Plug in to a community of men and draw on the strength of the collective. Restore your sense of self worth by accepting the encouragement of another male. Then face the world ready to do battle knowing you're part of the army and not the Lone Ranger.