The Measure of a Man

I'm working on a project in Chicago this week.  I was talking to a writer for the Chicago Tribune this afternoon about our opinions on how popular culture portrays men in sitcoms and adult animated TV like The Simpson's and Family Guy.  As we were talking I was reminded of a radio ad for a local brokerage firm.  This firm always uses some very creative anecdotes to relate real life events to financial investments.  One thing that stands out in my memory is a quote that is stated in a particular radio ad - "The measure of a man is not how he conducts himself when times are good - but how he conducts himself in adversity".  I submit to you that Homer Simpson or Peter from Family Guy are not stalwart role models of how to measure a man.  

On the other hand - who is?  As men who are in the trenches, fighting the everyday battles of marriages and parenthood, who are the generals that we look to for direction?  I know a few.  You can look back in the blog and see descriptions of one or two.  Yet, for you, maybe there aren't any.  Maybe the man you once looked to as a role model has let you down.  Or, in my case, one of my role models passed away.  If you feel like you're in this by yourself and there isn't anyone to help you find your way through the trees, I encourage you join our Yahoo Group.  There's a button on the right that will take you there.  There are some good men plugged in that can give you some solid advice for the difficulties you face.  And if you're one of those guys with a few decades of time in your marriage, I'd like to invite you to join as well.  

It's important that we help each other.  No man can go it alone and succeed in relationships - whether in marriage or in parenting.  A husband or father floundering in adversity is in a dangerous place.  There is strength and support in the collective nature of a group of Christian men.  We can't take the adversity away, but we can help a man steer between the land mines and get to the other side on solid ground.  

Thanks for stopping by.

Do you really want to know?

I know this guy who struggles as a self-employed painter.  He has a wonderful wife, eight children (3 girls / 5 boys), and a small petting zoo.  Like a lot of people, he lives paycheck to paycheck and takes jobs where he can get them.  If you've ever heard the  phrase "Find a job you like and you'll never work a day in your life." - that's Donny.  He loves to paint and he can't imagine doing anything else to make a living.  

I've been helping Donny paint a condo this week.  We've had a lot of time to get to know each other better than we have before.  Last night he picked me up to head out to the condo and I asked him "How's it going"?  His reply was "Do you really want to know"?  Then he told me that he's been working for a temp agency that markets itself to construction companies and builders.  They've been keeping him pretty busy during the days and he's been able to line up some side work for the evenings.  With this, he's felt like he's been able to get out from behind the eight-ball a bit financially.  Yesterday, they told him that they don't have any  more work for him.  They'd call when they need him.  

So, Donny has been laid off.  He's angry, scared, and discouraged.  But there's something very cool about what happened during that ride to the condo.  It's not that I had a chance to encourage him.  It's not that I urged him to keep his eyes on God and that He will provide for his family.  It's not that I had the chance to pray with him (which I didn't do but maybe should have).  The really cool part of the whole thing is that he asked me "Do you really want to know"?

Men tend to be isolationists.  Popular culture tells us that we don't cry, we suck it up and deal with it, and we need to be strong enough to handle things on our own.  While I'm thankful that Donny didn't cry, he made the choice to share and receive the encouragement that can come from another male who's been through some of the same experiences.  He didn't feel like he could suck it up and deal with it by himself.  He needed something more.

We all need something more than ourselves.  We need to support each other, encourage each other.  That's how it's supposed to work.

Committment, Responsibility, and Encouragement.

Tonight I'm watching one of my favorite TV shows - Ax Men. I live the rough and rugged, macho life vicariously through the loggers on this show. On tonight's episode, the son of one of the logging bosses is in charge of a smaller job that is being used to test his muster with the old man and the others on the crew. Things are not going well. He's frustrated with the problems at every turn. He's under pressure to succeed. And he really doesn't have a way out. Tonight, he threw down his chain saw and walked away. "I don't want to log anymore. Not if it's going to be like this."

I feel for this kid. I've been in his situation before. I know those stresses. I've felt that pressure. I remember wish for and looking for a way out. I'm most certainly familiar with "I don't want to do this anymore. Not if it's going to be like this." I know what that's like. If you are in the 30+ age group you probably know this as well as I do. If you're in a younger age group you have either not had the experience before or you might be in the middle of it. It's a horrible, hurtful, gut wrenching situation. If it's not - and walking away isn't difficult - then you committment isn't where it should be.

When you're committed to someone you have responsibilty. You own the relationship (not the person in the relationship). The responsibility is what keeps you from walking away. It's what keeps you engaged in order to move the relationship to a better place. Having responsibility isn't always a downer. If it were always an positive this blog wouldn't be here. I'm here to talk about what happens when everything goes down the crapper.

Two things:

First, You're there and this is how life is sometimes. Chalk it up to sometimes life just sucks. But you're there and you can't change that. Further, I believe that walking away from it will simply make it worse. I'm and IT guy. I work with fatastically complicated hardware and software. And when it all falls apart I pick up the phone and call technical support. I have a contact list full of people to call for different situations. Like my career, I also have a number of people that I can call on to help support my relationships. I have a career mentor to help support my career. I have a marriage mentor to help me work through problems that I have in my marriage. And I have support for my parenting. I have people to call - and I've called them. Who is your technical support? If you don't have a support network I suggest you start to give that some thought. If you haven't hit a rough spot in your marriage - you will. And you're going to need some help to struggle though it and honor your responsibility to your spouse and your committment to your marriage.

Next I want to address those of us who've been through the relationshp battles. If you fit into that group, you know what you've learned in the school of hard knocks. I challenge you to look around you. Look for the signs of others that are in the middle of the battles. Be a support person for someone else. I think that relationships and circumstances are difficult enough without having to go it alone. Be open, willing, and watchful for an opportunity to be someone's support network.

It truly does take a village.