Committment, Responsibility, and Encouragement.

Tonight I'm watching one of my favorite TV shows - Ax Men. I live the rough and rugged, macho life vicariously through the loggers on this show. On tonight's episode, the son of one of the logging bosses is in charge of a smaller job that is being used to test his muster with the old man and the others on the crew. Things are not going well. He's frustrated with the problems at every turn. He's under pressure to succeed. And he really doesn't have a way out. Tonight, he threw down his chain saw and walked away. "I don't want to log anymore. Not if it's going to be like this."

I feel for this kid. I've been in his situation before. I know those stresses. I've felt that pressure. I remember wish for and looking for a way out. I'm most certainly familiar with "I don't want to do this anymore. Not if it's going to be like this." I know what that's like. If you are in the 30+ age group you probably know this as well as I do. If you're in a younger age group you have either not had the experience before or you might be in the middle of it. It's a horrible, hurtful, gut wrenching situation. If it's not - and walking away isn't difficult - then you committment isn't where it should be.

When you're committed to someone you have responsibilty. You own the relationship (not the person in the relationship). The responsibility is what keeps you from walking away. It's what keeps you engaged in order to move the relationship to a better place. Having responsibility isn't always a downer. If it were always an positive this blog wouldn't be here. I'm here to talk about what happens when everything goes down the crapper.

Two things:

First, You're there and this is how life is sometimes. Chalk it up to sometimes life just sucks. But you're there and you can't change that. Further, I believe that walking away from it will simply make it worse. I'm and IT guy. I work with fatastically complicated hardware and software. And when it all falls apart I pick up the phone and call technical support. I have a contact list full of people to call for different situations. Like my career, I also have a number of people that I can call on to help support my relationships. I have a career mentor to help support my career. I have a marriage mentor to help me work through problems that I have in my marriage. And I have support for my parenting. I have people to call - and I've called them. Who is your technical support? If you don't have a support network I suggest you start to give that some thought. If you haven't hit a rough spot in your marriage - you will. And you're going to need some help to struggle though it and honor your responsibility to your spouse and your committment to your marriage.

Next I want to address those of us who've been through the relationshp battles. If you fit into that group, you know what you've learned in the school of hard knocks. I challenge you to look around you. Look for the signs of others that are in the middle of the battles. Be a support person for someone else. I think that relationships and circumstances are difficult enough without having to go it alone. Be open, willing, and watchful for an opportunity to be someone's support network.

It truly does take a village.

Getting it Right

A couple of weeks ago I ran into an old friend at my favorite doughnut shop. I use the term old friend in a couple of different ways. I've known Arnold all my life - 42 years. Arnold was there when I was baptized as an infant. 42 years later, Arnold was there in the doughnut shop. Arnold is old.

To use the term "remarkable" to describe Arnold is a large scale understatement. He was married to Marian - for how many years, I don't know. They had a family together and lived on the Southwest side of Grand Rapids. Their marriage was amazing because Marian suffered from one physical and psychological ailment after another. Marian was sweet, incredibly funny, and knew how to play the hymnbook on the piano, cover to cover, from memory. Tell her what you wanted to hear - and she'd just start playing it. Yet, she was plagued by depression, severe panic attacks, and as she aged she became more and more unstable. It was common for the pastor to ask for prayers for Marian as she was admitted to the psych hospital - again. In addition to her mental instabilities she had all kinds of reproductive and abdominal issues. She was simply a messed up woman who grinned a lot, told great jokes, and played a good piano.

What I admire most about Arnold is that he was always there. He ushered her to and from the psych hospital, the regular hospital, church, and home. He did the grocery shopping, the laundry, cleaned the house, and cooked. And when he greeted me he always had a big smile on his face and shook my hand firmly with his massive hand.

I get tired, cranky, and worn out on a regular basis. I have 2 kids and a wife. I wonder how many times Arnold (with his 3 boys and high maintenance wife) dumped himself in his chair, in the dark, and cried. I wonder how often Arnold looked up toward heaven, shook his fist at God, and said "THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!" Still, Arnold did what he had to do - day in - day out. He stood by Marian til the end. She died about 10 years ago when cancer took her to be with the Lord.

You might say that Arnold got a raw deal. One could argue that his marriage was messed up, a shambles, a disaster. I KNOW beyond a doubt that Arnold loved Marian as much as a man can love a woman.

I think he understood for better or for worse and got it right. Arnold is a real man.