Ego? Or Fear?

I had coffee a few weeks ago with my friend Ed.  He and I go all the way back to high school in 1981.  Great guy - Ed, but I never thought he'd end up a family ministries pastor at a church.  I'm very happy to have reconnected with him and we have some great discussions about our respective ministries.  One suggestion that Ed had for this blog is to pose some open ended questions.  You know - something to stimulate some comments and discussion.  Well Ed, this one's for you!

Lately, in my travels, I've noticed that the attitudes of men toward making changes in their marriages can be categorized three ways.  There are those who are willing to humble themselves and allow themselves to be stretched and challenged.  There are those who simply don't care.  The third category is those who seem to believe that none of this is their problem and if something needs to change, she better get to it.  It's this last category that has me scratching my head these last couple of weeks.

I think it's very possible that the arrogance and ego that these guys are displaying is actually a strong front for a lot of fear.  I believe that some men are afraid to be vulnerable, humble, and to have any chinks in their armor exposed.  I'm not sure where this fear comes from - it could be cultural.  After all, we live in a culture that demands independence and a resolute stance from our men.  We have to be all together - polished.  People are disappointed in us if we show signs of struggling with anything.  Maybe it's ethnic.  Here in the Dutch dominated West Michigan culture, there exists a certain arrogance among the men.  They're proud and they know what's what - even if they're full of crap.  It could be something else too.  But these are the things that come to mind.  

Whatever the case - ego or fear - culture, ethnicity, or whatever - it is clear to me that their relationships are less than ideal.  I've seen three cases in the last month where this attitude has driven marriages to the brink of failure.  What makes me curious is how this attitude makes a man blind to the crumbling of his marriage.  But, in time, when the man is sitting in his crappy one-bedroom apartment, the blinders come off and he suddenly wonders where his life went.  

So, here's the question for my good friend Ed - and for the rest of you:  If I'm right, and it's fear masquerading as arrogance, how can we help these guys over their fears and into a place where they can safely address the things that can bring joy and peace back to their marriages?  Whether it's Ed and his family ministry at his church, me in this ministry to Christian men, or Joe Smith who's wife tells him over morning coffee that the couple next door isn't doing very well and Bob refuses to go to counseling - how do we connect with these guys who have this tough outer wall of arrogance protecting their fears?  

If we could figure this out - what an impact we could have!

Let me know your thoughts.   I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for stopping by.

Marriage Pro's - Bill and Anabel Gillham

This is an interview with Bill and Anabel Gillham - founders of Lifetime Guarantee.  My wife and I receive their newsletter and I'm going to publish this interview with permission from Lifetime.org.  The interview was done by Andy Knight, the president of Lifetime Guarantee Ministries.  

To use the word "veterans" to describe Bill and Anabel's marriage adventure is an understatement.  They're both in their golden years yet still work hard at  helping men and women understand what it is to have a Christ centered marriage.  

I hope you find some pearls of wisdom here.

As you are probably aware, Bill and Anabel Gillham have spoken all over the country, written numerous articles, and recorded several audio series on how to have a successful marriage.  More importantly, they've been married longer than most of us have been alive.  Not too long ago, I sat down with these marriage veterans and asked them a few hard questions.

After offering me a Dr. Pepper (which I never refuse), Bill and Anabel snuggled up on their living room love seat.  Like young newlyweds, Bill draped his left arm over Anabel's shoulder, and she rested her right hand on his knee.  They look so comfortable and...together.  I jumped right in with my first question.  

AK:  What would you say is one of the biggest struggles that couples face in marriage?

Bill (B): The single life is very different.  Singles make their own decisions and don't have to explain their feelings.  The most difficult thing in marriage is realizing that you are not operating independently anymore.  You have to learn to work around and with each other.  

What do you know now about marriage that you didn't know before you were married?

B:  About 98% [laughter]

AK:  You both have obviously learned to work around each other.  Couples are getting divorced left and right these days and here you are at 50+ years of marriage.  You obviously know something about having a great marriage.

Anabel (A):  Couples today don't have expectations that their marriage will last a lifetime, but when we were married, we believed marriage was to be a lifelong commitment.  We just didn't know how to make it enjoyable.  

AK:  You mentioned "lifelong commitment".  Is that how your marriage survived?

B:  When we were married, divorce was disgraceful, so we simply endured each other.  Had we married today, it surely would not have lasted.  Part of the reason for failed marriages today is that we think it's our love for one another that will hold the marriage together and the couple will say, "We just don't love each other any longer."  Love does not hold the marriage together.  The marriage holds the love together.  The "feelings" of love can fade over time, but commitment to Christ through us in the marriage will enable a couple to stay the course.  

B&A:  By the grace of God, we later discovered that the answer to having  a successful marriage was allowing Christ to love one another through us.  Before we learned that, it was sheer commitment, not happiness, that kept us together.  

AK:  It sounds like your marriage has passed through different states?

B:  The first stage is where the husband is mentally retarded.

A:  Yes, for us the first stage was a husband who was indulged in childhood and carried that into the marriage.  That stage could be called "survive to please  Bill" and lasted even into Bill's Christian years.  The second stage was learning what we needed to do to solidify our relationship, and that was the "Coming to Know Christ as Life" stage.  In the stage that we're in now, we have accepted that we are going to be together.  We don't want out.  In fact, getting out was never an option.  We have begun to allow Christ to live through us and are coming to understand what marriage is all about.  It is learning to trust Christ to express His life through us to each other.  

AK:  So now that you're in this good stage, are there differences for you both in how you express love to each other?

A:  I often "loved" Bill by doing instead of being.  My pattern for being loved was to work very hard to please people so I tried to show Bill my diligent efforts - the things I did for him - that I loved him.  He doesn't need that.  He needs me to be his wife - not his maid or cook.

B:  Commitment must be spelled with time and effort.  This is how I love Anabel, giving her security in our marriage.  

AK:  If you could do you marriage over again what would you do differently?

G:  It would be fun to have known Christ as my new life before we got married.  But I also believe that an integral part of our pilgrimage were the bad days we went through.  It was the negatives as well as the positives that produced the current stage of our marriage.  yes, it was painful and ugly, but I can see that it took that to put me where I am today.  Believe me, I have not arrived!  I have a long way to go.

AK:  Do you have any other advice that you would like to give couples that are about to be married?

B:  It is very important for a couple to know the power package of what God accomplished for us as new creations in Christ.  Through Jesus Christ we have an immediate change of our identity.  In the Bible, God calls us "saints" 42 times after his death on the cross.  We went from being a sinner to a saint; from being an enemy of God to a friend of God; a rejected loser to an accepted winner; a person fighting for love to a person loved by our Creator beyond our comprehension; and from a clueless marriage partner not especially interested in changing to a partner seeking change to become a successful marriage partner. 

A:  Listening to each other is an indispensable element in a good marriage and listening is very hard to do.  You must be aware that marriage is hard work and be prepared to give of yourself.

B:  It's also important to know each other's needs.  Even though the male is typically a bonehead in this area, he can learn and then look to Christ living through him to make the difference.  

I want to thank Bill and Anabel for answering my questions.  What an amazing example they are off a Godly marriage.  We'd love to hear from you about how knowing Christ as Life and understanding who you are in Christ has helped your marriage.

Andy.

Serve your way to Significance

By now you know that I'm a big proponent of male leadership in marriage and home.  When I talk to people about husbands and wives and the roles they play in a marriage I get all kinds of responses.  When I talk about the roles of husbands and wives in the context of the Bible things get even more interesting, especially when I'm talking to women.  If you've read any of my stuff you know that I hold I Peter 3:1-7 as the model for Christian marriages.  Why Peter decided to talk about the woman's role first I have no idea.  People get so upset of the first two or three verses that they never get to verse 7.  

I Peter 3:1-7

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

 7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These verses are not about stuffing women into insignificance while promoting men above them.  In fact, in verse 7 Peter says just the opposite.  In terms of salvation and eternal life, women are equals. 

Male leadership in the marriage is NOT:

• Oppressive - "I will decide for my wife!"
• Dictatorial - "You will do as I say!"
• Egotistical - "I know what's best!"

Luke adds another twist to things when he recounts the experience of the last supper before the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

 24Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. 27For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.

If we overlay the statements of Jesus according to Luke over top of what Peter says in I Peter 3:7 we get a clear picture of how men achieve significance in our marriages.  Significance (i.e. effective leadership) is achieved through an attitude - service.  

Male leadership, as God intended it, IS: supportive, considerate, loving, collaborative, wise, respectful, humble, transparent, teaching by example, and dependent on the Holy Spirit.  Honestly, what wife wouldn't want this in a husband?

Here are two examples:

First, check out a book called the 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.  If you don't have it, buy a copy.  In the book Dr Chapman refers to 5 basic behaviors that husbands and wives both relate to.  Everyone can relate to words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  Dr. Chapman challenges husbands and wives to learn not only what your love language is - but more importantly, the love language of your spouse.  Then, speak to her in that language.   

The second example goes back to a chat I had with Michigan State Senator, Bill Hardiman.  Mr Hardiman talked to me about sowing seeds.  He recounted to me a time in his marriage when his wife was angry with him all the time and they were miserable together.  Faced with divorcing a second time, he decided to make some changes.  He called it "sowing good seeds".  He encouraged me by saying that all seed takes time to grow - even the bad seeds.  If you've been sowing bad seed it's still going to grow and you have to deal with the responsibility of what you've sown.  Yet, he was very specific in saying that the same is true of sowing good seed.  It takes time to grow.  You don't plant a kernel of corn today and get a full ear tomorrow.  Still, the more you sow the better off you'll be in the future.   Mr Hardiman's consistent effort to sow good seed over time proved to be the thing that turned his marriage around.  Over time, the bad stuff ran it's course and died out.   In it's place, the good seeds grew and the good things in his relationship with his wife grew.

Both Dr. Chapman and Senator Hardiman show us how an attitude of service can help us answer God's call to leadership and significance in our marriages and in our homes.  

In I John 13:17, the Apostle John says, "Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."  

Thanks for stopping by.

Arm-chair Husband?

If you've watched any football at all you've seen a quarterback through a pass a couple dozen times.  If you're a fan of one team or another you've seen it a couple hundred times.  As you sit intently watching your team march down field toward the end zone you see how the quarterback takes the snap and steps back in the pocket.  You see how he has to read the defense to know if the blitz is coming and how much time he has.  You see how he checks down his receivers from the wide receivers down to the tight ends just across the line.  Finally, he either makes a pass or decides to get a yard or two on his own.  You see this over and over in every game you watch.  

YOU KNOW HOW TO THROW A PASS!

Still, have you ever actually done it?

Maybe some of you have gotten out in the fall at the local park with your kids or a group of friends and tossed the pig skin around some.  But for many of us actually laying hands on a football, taking a snap, and trying to throw the ball to someone else a few feet away while maintaining some level of pride and dignity is something we've rarely (if ever) done.  

Those of us involved in marriages struggle with this at one time or another.  It's the task of getting off our dime and actually walking the talk.  Knowing what to do to make your marriage or a relationship with your kids better is one thing.  Actually taking the steps to make it happen is something completely different.  

Like the guys in the park who get out a toss the ball, I know guys who've gotten used to working on their marriages and are pretty good at it.  For me, at times, it's difficult to lace up the sneakers and get out there on the field.  I don't need to tell you that sitting in the barko-lounger and eating chips and chili dogs doesn't make for a healthy football fan anymore than being complacent makes for a healthy marriage.  

In the new year when you're thinking of all the things you'd like to have happen in the next twelve months - take some time to think about the really important relationships in your life.  Where do you want your marriage to go in 2009?  What do you want it to look like next  Christmas?  

The apostle John makes a very short statement in the Bible.  Short, concise, and laser sharp.  In John 13:17 he says; Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

My challenge to you this year is to give some thought to your important relationships - specifically your marriage.  Then actually DO something about them.  John says that you will be blessed if you do.  

From my experiences I can confirm that.  

Happy New Year from 4BetterOr4Worse!

Interview with MI State Senator Bill Hardiman - Introduction

Anyone who knows Bill Hardiman at all knows that he is less of a politician and more of an average Joe.  I first Met Mr Hardiman when he spoke at my church several years ago.  I knew nothing about him at the time and found him to be very genuine.  His wife, Clova, was also there when he spoke and he was not afraid to talk about the challenges that they faced in their married life.  Since that time I've met him in the grocery store a few times and also at the 4th of July celebration in the city where he was formerly mayor.  

Mr. Hardiman has a passion for marriages that is rooted in his own personal struggles and experiences much the same way my passion for married men has grown out of my struggles and experiences.  He and his wife founded an organization now called Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids,  he sits on the board of directors for the Dove Foundation, and he chairs the senate committee for Families and Human Services.  The accolades and credentials related to marriage and family nearly equal those of his political career.

It was a pleasure to sit with him over a coffee and talk about men and marriages.  I sat with him for about 40 minutes and talked with him about a number of topics.  An interview of 40 minutes transcribes into a lot of text on paper.  In an effort to make this as digestible as possible and easy to read, I've carved it up into three parts that are smaller and can easily be read in a short amount of time.   I'm posting all three at once, so you can come back anytime and read the entire interview at your own pace.  

I hope you enjoy this interview and I plan to do a few more of these in the coming months.

Thank you again for your support and feel free to tell me how you like this kind of content by leaving a comment.

Men and Purity! Wait - What?

I recently had a chat with a very good friend about the divorce he's going through.  It's getting ugly and he's concerned about a number of things, most important are his children.  I've recently re-established connection with him after losing touch for a few years.  Our discussion went back and forth and the threads of our dialog were woven in and out of the divorce, catching up on things, and reminiscing about old times.   

In this time of great uncertainty in his life, it seems he's found some ground to make a stand on some principles.  I was pleased to see that he's making a great effort to give the whole thing up to God.  I say great effort because I know that's a very difficult thing to do.  He and I are wired a lot the same way and it's instinctive with guys like us to take the ol' bull by the horns and go after it with our own strength, our own plan, and our own will.  Being able to admit that we can't handle this and looking to God for ALL the answers is a tough thing to do.  I admire him for making the fight to keep God at the center of all the crap he has going on.  

Another thing really stood out to me in our time together.   At a time where it would be very easy for a man to grasp at just about anything to replace the intimacy he once had in his life, he's committed himself to purity.  Purity?  Isn't that for girls?  Purity is such a feminine word.  When I think of purity I think of a virginal expression, pale soft skin, and a white dress.  The truth is that I - and I suspect a lot of others - don't include men when they think or speak of purity.  It used to be that men were associated with rough and rugged attitudes - the Marlboro Man, Jack Palance, John Wayne, and Sylvester Stalone.  Purity was MaryAnn on Gilligan's Island, and Cindy Brady.  In today's popular culture with men getting manicures and facials I'm not sure what attitudes are conjured up when thinking of men.   Still, purity is probably not one of them.   

The truth is that my old friend is exactly right.  If the old boy chooses to marry again some day (which I'm sure he will), what better gift to give his new spouse than a man who's kept his mind and his body free from the garbage and baggage that comes from casual sex and a habit of pornography?  

What's more, I took a lesson from this as a married man in a mostly stable relationship.   Purity applies just as much to the married man as the single man.  Keeping my own thoughts, attitudes, and actions directed solely and specifically toward my wife is marital purity.  The pretty face smiling at me in the other traffic lane isn't mine - she doesn't belong to me.  Entertaining even the smallest thought about her is out of bounds.  The one that belongs to me is at home helping with homework, at work helping to pay the bills, or out on the road getting little people where they need to go.  My wife is the one God gave to me - that one is mine to smile at, wink at, lust after, and have desire for.  

Remember - you promised.   "In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer - 4BetterOr4Worse.

Thanks for taking the time.

At The End?

I write these blog entries in hopes that it moves men in a positive direction in their relationships with their spouses. However, I had one of those "ah ha" moments yesterday as I was driving and thinking about a friend who struggles with his wife and another friend whose wife simply up and left. I'm sure there are men who read this blog at their computers and then turn away to the reality that it really doesn't matter what "he" does to make things better - she just isn't going to buy into it. The ship has sailed - The horse is out of the barn - and all those other cliches. You've done your best. You've bent over backwards to make things better. You've tried counseling - again.

If this is you - I don't want you to feel like I'm holding you accountable for things falling apart. It says at the top of this blog "In support of men who stood in front of God and everyone and said 'I do'". Please understand that I realize that she made vows and commitments too. No matter how hard you try, things aren't going to work if she doesn't honor hers.

Most of my blog entries revolve around a man who sees the need for change or improvement. Right, wrong, or otherwise, it also assumes that (with practice and consistency) his wife will welcome the change and love him for it. Maybe that's me looking through rose-colored glasses. I guess I prefer to think of it as being my focus on men and knowing that not everyone will fit into this category.

I'd like to believe that with prayer and hard work, saving a marriage is always possible. I've seen couples overcome impossible odds and have great marriages after the recovery. But I know that's not necessarily true for everyone. I've also seen couples who have very good chances for recovery that have fallen apart because one or the other just simply walks away.

It hurts me to write this because two of the marriages that have inspired this blog have ended this way. They were (and are) good people with great chances for reconciliation. Yet, my best friend still told his wife he didn't love her anymore and walked away. Another close friend of ours decided she just didn't want to be married anymore and left two children and one of the greatest husbands.

All you can do is change yourself. You cannot change the heart of someone who refuses to work on a relationship or someone who's already emotionally left the building. If you need encouragement, prayer, and/or the support of a community of men - this is the place.

Thanks for tuning in.

In church Saturday night, I listened to one of the most convicting messages I've ever heard.  After spending the week leading up to Mother's day weekend at odds with the mother of my children, I walked in - sat down - and was told that the subject of the message was "Why We Fight".  My wife and I sort of looked at each other dumbfounded - as if God was somehow holding us up at the poster marriage for how NOT to get a long.  

Two things stuck with me through the week.  First, most of the time, the reason we fight is because someone is not getting what they want - and someone is going to pay.  Tension in a relationship comes to a boil because of unfilled needs or expectations.  While this may not be the only reason for quarrels, it's very common.  Second, I was taught to look at issues in my marriage like a boxing ring (or professional wrestling).  A marriage is a ring in which two people do battle with everyday issues.  The trick is to keep myself and my spouse fighting together against the issues - combining our gifts, strengths, and resources.  When the issue moves between us, we focus on battling each other and not the issue.  

As men, part of being leaders in our marriages and families is to have an awareness of when 

someone isn't getting what they want.  Once we are aware of this, we can come along side our spouses and children to fight for them and not against them.  

Granted this is one tool in the toolbox for dealing with conflict resolution.  Still, it's a tool I didn't have before.  If you'd like to hear this message, I put a link to it in the links section of the blog.  If you have any trouble accessing it, post a comment here and I'll help you.

Thanks for checking in.

Family Leadership

In the coming weeks I'm going to begin work, alongside my wife, on the fourth chapter of my book. It's important to me that I take my time with this one and really work through the research so that I get it right.  The chapter is about how a man appropriately and effectively leads his marriage and his family.  I feel that it's important to involve my spouse in this project because it will not only help us to more clearly identify the expectations and roles in our  own marriage - it will also lend some credibility to the concept as a whole.  

In today's popular culture men are picked on and promoted as lovable idiots who are ineffective and incapable of anything but generating a paycheck.  Prime time sitcoms on TV clearly establish women as more intelligent, effective, and better leaders than their bumbling spouses. In reality, men may deserve some part of the bad rap they've received.  I've been blessed with a large group of close friends.  Yet in that relatively large group nearly all of the men/husbands/fathers are men of integrity and character.  A few of them are guys that I wish

I could be more like.  And there are those few who need to (but probably won't ever) step up and become what they're families need them to be.

Underneath all this is my desire to encourage married men to be the best husbands and fathers that they can be.  I want them to discover the benefits of rolling up their sleeves and working toward a better relationship instead of settling for the way things have always been done.  I want to have a part - even if a small one - in making someone's marriage better than it is today.  

Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Committment, Responsibility, and Encouragement.

Tonight I'm watching one of my favorite TV shows - Ax Men. I live the rough and rugged, macho life vicariously through the loggers on this show. On tonight's episode, the son of one of the logging bosses is in charge of a smaller job that is being used to test his muster with the old man and the others on the crew. Things are not going well. He's frustrated with the problems at every turn. He's under pressure to succeed. And he really doesn't have a way out. Tonight, he threw down his chain saw and walked away. "I don't want to log anymore. Not if it's going to be like this."

I feel for this kid. I've been in his situation before. I know those stresses. I've felt that pressure. I remember wish for and looking for a way out. I'm most certainly familiar with "I don't want to do this anymore. Not if it's going to be like this." I know what that's like. If you are in the 30+ age group you probably know this as well as I do. If you're in a younger age group you have either not had the experience before or you might be in the middle of it. It's a horrible, hurtful, gut wrenching situation. If it's not - and walking away isn't difficult - then you committment isn't where it should be.

When you're committed to someone you have responsibilty. You own the relationship (not the person in the relationship). The responsibility is what keeps you from walking away. It's what keeps you engaged in order to move the relationship to a better place. Having responsibility isn't always a downer. If it were always an positive this blog wouldn't be here. I'm here to talk about what happens when everything goes down the crapper.

Two things:

First, You're there and this is how life is sometimes. Chalk it up to sometimes life just sucks. But you're there and you can't change that. Further, I believe that walking away from it will simply make it worse. I'm and IT guy. I work with fatastically complicated hardware and software. And when it all falls apart I pick up the phone and call technical support. I have a contact list full of people to call for different situations. Like my career, I also have a number of people that I can call on to help support my relationships. I have a career mentor to help support my career. I have a marriage mentor to help me work through problems that I have in my marriage. And I have support for my parenting. I have people to call - and I've called them. Who is your technical support? If you don't have a support network I suggest you start to give that some thought. If you haven't hit a rough spot in your marriage - you will. And you're going to need some help to struggle though it and honor your responsibility to your spouse and your committment to your marriage.

Next I want to address those of us who've been through the relationshp battles. If you fit into that group, you know what you've learned in the school of hard knocks. I challenge you to look around you. Look for the signs of others that are in the middle of the battles. Be a support person for someone else. I think that relationships and circumstances are difficult enough without having to go it alone. Be open, willing, and watchful for an opportunity to be someone's support network.

It truly does take a village.

Another One Down

Yesterday I found out that another marriage went down in flames. It's someone I've known for a long time. Word has it that the relationship has been stressed out for a long time. He went away on a business trip and while he was gone she sent him an e-mail saying that she'd be cleared out of the house by the time he got back - and she was.

Statistics show that roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. I haven't done the math on the friends and relationships that are around me, but it feels like it's more that half. In my circle, it seems that 2-3 marriages are failing every year. Frankly, I don't have enough friends for this to go on any longer. Within a year or so I'll be the only one still married! That's a sad fact.

As men, it's easy to be apathetic. Waiting for things to blow over or get better is not difficult. What is difficult is taking action. Confronting weak areas in our marriage is not pleasant, often exposes our own ugly spots, and the rewards for confrontation are rarely immediate. You have to have some stones to address relationship issues. If you're reading this and you're getting that queasy feeling in your stomach because you know things need to be addressed but you'd rather pull your fingernails out with a vise grips - I have a couple of things for you to think about.

I'll always start with accountability. It's not fun. It may even hurt. But, like the heading of this blog, you said for better or for worse in front of God and everybody. At that point it stopped being all about you and started being all about "us". You made a comittement and you're expected to keep it.

If you're an athlete you're very aware of the old cliche "no pain, no gain". Getting into the physical condition you want to be in requires some level of discomfort. The same is true for relationships. In addition, like losing weight, you have to get to that point where you look in the mirror and say "enough!". At that point you're ready to start working on things. You have to go through the bad before you can get to the good. I know that these things read like hollow cliche's. And maybe they are. But there's a fair amount of truth in them.

When you've psyched yourself up or you're reached the point where you're no longer willing to accept the condition of your relationship and you want to make things better, please understand that there is strength in numbers. Meet with your pastor, have a coffee with a seasoned marriage veteran, get the support of your best friend. Get some people in your corner. Don't go it a lone!

If you feel like you need some coaching, drop a comment here. There are some solid guys that read this blog and can give you some great advice and resources. We're here to help.

Don't be the next marriage to go down.

Quality Time

One of the big things that I hit on in my writing about married men is that husbands and fathers need to be present and available to their wives and families. When my editor read a brief reference to this in one of my pieces she called me out. She stated that there is more to presence than just being around. Along with presences comes engagement - in other words, sitting on the couch watching baseball on sunday afternoon and consuming a 6-pack does not consistute being present.

My schedule is chaotic at best. Sunday evening we start prepping the family for the coming week. Every night of the week we have some sort of family or individual activity that requires a time committment and being away from home. As a family, it's not until Friday that we have a chance to collectively breath and spend some time together. Then, Saturday is busy again and we get another break on Sunday. This is how our lives are structured during the school year. Summers are a lot more relaxed and we have more opporunities to spend time together.

So let me ask you this - When do you get to spend quality time with your wife and/or family? How do you spend that time together? And how do you manage when life gets busy and you don't have the time to spend with your spouse the way you'd like to?

If you have time, leave a comment. Thanks for sharing.

My Elevator Story

A few years ago I saw a number of marriages and relationships of people very close to me end in divorce. This bothered me a lot and I felt the need to take some kind of action. First and foremost, I talked to my close married friends and checked in with them to make sure their marriages were okay. But I felt I needed to do more. I felt I had something to say. A friend of mine suggested that I write a book. At first I resisted. I thought that any book I could write would be lost in the noise of all the other relationship books and self-help books. But as I became increasingly frustrated with having something to say and not having anyone to say it to, I began to write.

Now I am committed to actually finishing what I started rather than a half hearted attempt at using this writing as nothing more than personal therapy. The book is about what a real man looks like in the context of Christianity, marriage, and fatherhood. It pulls no punches. It confronts issues of being a husband and father head on. No topic is taboo or spared. It holds men accountable for their responsibilities and calls out women to respect men who make a committed effort to live up to those responsibilities. This book is rooted in the Bible and the example of Jesus Christ.

A book is a static work. However, this blog is intended to be a dynamic environment where married people (men in particular) can come and dialog, vent, and otherwise communicate themselves in order to have a voice. No doubt it will be a big tool in writing my book. Yet, I hope that it is more than that.

Thanks for tuning in.