Ego? Or Fear?

I had coffee a few weeks ago with my friend Ed.  He and I go all the way back to high school in 1981.  Great guy - Ed, but I never thought he'd end up a family ministries pastor at a church.  I'm very happy to have reconnected with him and we have some great discussions about our respective ministries.  One suggestion that Ed had for this blog is to pose some open ended questions.  You know - something to stimulate some comments and discussion.  Well Ed, this one's for you!

Lately, in my travels, I've noticed that the attitudes of men toward making changes in their marriages can be categorized three ways.  There are those who are willing to humble themselves and allow themselves to be stretched and challenged.  There are those who simply don't care.  The third category is those who seem to believe that none of this is their problem and if something needs to change, she better get to it.  It's this last category that has me scratching my head these last couple of weeks.

I think it's very possible that the arrogance and ego that these guys are displaying is actually a strong front for a lot of fear.  I believe that some men are afraid to be vulnerable, humble, and to have any chinks in their armor exposed.  I'm not sure where this fear comes from - it could be cultural.  After all, we live in a culture that demands independence and a resolute stance from our men.  We have to be all together - polished.  People are disappointed in us if we show signs of struggling with anything.  Maybe it's ethnic.  Here in the Dutch dominated West Michigan culture, there exists a certain arrogance among the men.  They're proud and they know what's what - even if they're full of crap.  It could be something else too.  But these are the things that come to mind.  

Whatever the case - ego or fear - culture, ethnicity, or whatever - it is clear to me that their relationships are less than ideal.  I've seen three cases in the last month where this attitude has driven marriages to the brink of failure.  What makes me curious is how this attitude makes a man blind to the crumbling of his marriage.  But, in time, when the man is sitting in his crappy one-bedroom apartment, the blinders come off and he suddenly wonders where his life went.  

So, here's the question for my good friend Ed - and for the rest of you:  If I'm right, and it's fear masquerading as arrogance, how can we help these guys over their fears and into a place where they can safely address the things that can bring joy and peace back to their marriages?  Whether it's Ed and his family ministry at his church, me in this ministry to Christian men, or Joe Smith who's wife tells him over morning coffee that the couple next door isn't doing very well and Bob refuses to go to counseling - how do we connect with these guys who have this tough outer wall of arrogance protecting their fears?  

If we could figure this out - what an impact we could have!

Let me know your thoughts.   I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for stopping by.

One is a Lonely Number

I have a lot of stuff running around in my head today. This post is going to be an attempt at tying some of it together - the result will hopefully be a challenging post.

Phil Niekirk is a guy that writes a lot of stuff for the small group studies at my church. He and his team just finished putting together a small group study on Matthew 5,6, and 7 - otherwise known as The Sermon on the Mount. This study is not just about believing in Jesus Christ, not just about learning about the teachings of Jesus Christ - it's about actually doing what Jesus Christ teaches in the Bible. Phil used a great analogy at the beginning of this study - and if he reads this he'll have to forgive me for the abrupt paraphrase of a very well written piece. Phil says that there are two types of skiers. There is the type that goes out every weekend and ski's their legs off. They may not be the best dressed, or have the best equipment, but they're always out there experiencing the slopes and enjoying the sport. In short, they get the most out of the time they spend skiing. He goes on to describe another type of person who has the best gear, the best equipment, has a lot of head knowledge about the sport, but sits in the lodge and admires the first type of skier from afar. Phil begs the question of whether this person is really a skier at all - or does this person just like the idea of being a skier. He wraps this piece up by suggesting that there are probably people out there that view their Christianity the same way. Phil asks "Is there a possibility that some people who call themselves Christians have no real interest in practicing the teachings of Jesus?"

I talk to a lot of guys about a lot of things. One thing I find is that attitudes toward church tend to run lukewarm among men. Statistics show that the majority of families who attend church are led there by the female spouse. A guy by the name of David Murrow even wrote a book title "Why Men Hate Going to Church". Even as a proponent of male leadership in Christian homes, I find that going to church is secondary to how I feel at the time (i.e. tired, guilty, busy, etc.).

So, why is going to church so important? As a young man growing up in a conservative extremist community, I bucked this all the time with my dad. You had to be very definitely ill and able to prove it before he would let you stay home. All things church were very important to my dad - chief among them was parking your butt in a pew for 2 hours every Sunday. Even on vacation, he found a church for us to go to.

Now, as I mentor men in stressed out marriages, and talk to friends who are overwhelmed by the curves that life throws at them, I understand why my dad was so adamant about it. What's more - now I can prove that it's important. To do that I'm going to walk you through a section of the Bible in the book of Acts. This book was written by the disciple Luke and describes how the Church of Jesus Christ faced challenges to its basic existence. The section in chapter 2 describes what church was like back in the day. There was no church building - no central gathering place. Today, just as then, the church is not brick and mortar, but the people whom God calls together. Let's take a look at what they had and how they functioned as a community of believers.

Acts chapter 2, verses 42-47

42They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. 44And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; 45and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Let's pick this apart a little bit.

Verse 42 - They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

I have to wonder why Luke chose to bookend this list of behaviors with teaching and prayer. My question has very little importance except that maybe it was to keep all four elements together - that fellowship and food are just as important to the unity of the group as teaching and prayer. Regardless, they taught each other, learned from each other, ate together, and had fun together.

Verse 43 - Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles.

Here it's obvious to see that God worked among them. I get from this verse that God was real, present, and impacted their lives in obvious and positive ways.

Verse 45 - and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need.

The point here is that they cared for each other. If someone in their group needed something, they took care of it. They looked out for each other. The loved each other.

Verse 46 - Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47praising God and having favor with all the people.

I believe that this verse shows that they had fun together and that they thanked God for the positive influence of the church on their individual and collective lives.

Last part of Verse 47 - And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

God took care of them. Not only did he shield them from the people who were bent on erasing the Christian church from the planet, he added to their group and made it larger.

Notice here that this whole section refers to the church as a group of Jesus Followers that spent time together - not individually. On the plains in Africa those animals that separated themselves from the herd got picked off by the predator(s). I believe that Christians are no different when they, for whatever reason, consistently neglect going to church. Satan is just waiting for you to separate yourself from the herd so that you're vulnerable and he can pick you off.

Guys, two parting thoughts. Lead your family. Don't be the reason why your family is separated and isolated from a community of people whose entire purpose is to love, support, and teach you the ways of Jesus Christ. Going back to Phil Niekirk's analogy of the skiers - don't sit in the lodge and watch. Participate.

The last thought is actually a challenge. People who go to church tend to think in terms of what they can take away from church when they leave to go home. Instead, try to think of your church as a place where someone just might be needing you. It might be something as simple as a kind word after a really bad week. You never know when and where God may use you and your life experiences to reach someone.

You matter, man. Your existence is more significant that you may think.

Thanks for stopping by.