Marriage Leadership - CEO or Farmhand?

I've been cautioned about talking to people about male leadership in marriage. My wife and I are creating a web site to build on the momentum of this blog. In putting together the verbiage in the "about us" section I used the phrase "...help men be effective leaders in their marriages...".  I suppose this can be seen as controversial.  Maybe it "raises hackles", especially for some women.  

I feel very strongly that the the whole idea of male leadership in the marriage is a misunderstood concept.  I have mixed emotions about this misunderstanding.  On the one hand I find it depressing that, even in Christian marriages, popular culture has taken us so far away from the truth.  On the other hand, I get excited about the opportunities to talk to people about this truth.  

John 13: 4,5 and 14, 15

4) so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around is waist.  5) After that, he poured water into a  basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

14) Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet you also should wash one another's feet.  15) I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 

You see, being a leader in your marriage is about significance - not about importance.  Jesus says in John that leadership starts by rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty.  It's not a title (i.e. Wiley E. Coyote -  Super Genius),  it's about humble action.  It's helping with dishes, homework, and cleaning bathrooms.  It's about recognition of important dates and events.  It's about date night, love notes, and sappy cards.  It's about being present and engaged.  It's about mowing the lawn and cleaning the gutters.  It's about recognizing and patiently understanding PMS and reacting appropriately to it.  It's about rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty.  Most importantly, it's about letting the Spirit of God inside you overflow out of you and into your relationship with your wife.  

If that doesn't do it for you let me give you one other illustration.  I heard a radio interview on a local radio station after 9/11 when we first started sending troops to Afghanistan.  The interview was between the radio DJ, a soldier who was ready to depart for the Middle East, and his dad.  The DJ asked the dad how he felt about his son going to Afghanistan to fight the terrorist influences there.  The dad explained that they lived on the family farm and that farms call their employees or workers "hands" (i.e. farm-hand).  A hand is someone who is there to help the general cause and direction of the farm.  Whether it's safely running the biggest equipment on the farm or shoveling manure out of the barn, a hand is a person who "helps".  When saying goodbye, this man told his son, the soldier, to be a hand.

No matter what your title is - leadership more about being a hand than anything else.  Jesus set the example for how to be a hand in to our wives in John 13.  In doing this, he shows us what leadership is.

Thanks for checking in.  

One is a Lonely Number

I have a lot of stuff running around in my head today. This post is going to be an attempt at tying some of it together - the result will hopefully be a challenging post.

Phil Niekirk is a guy that writes a lot of stuff for the small group studies at my church. He and his team just finished putting together a small group study on Matthew 5,6, and 7 - otherwise known as The Sermon on the Mount. This study is not just about believing in Jesus Christ, not just about learning about the teachings of Jesus Christ - it's about actually doing what Jesus Christ teaches in the Bible. Phil used a great analogy at the beginning of this study - and if he reads this he'll have to forgive me for the abrupt paraphrase of a very well written piece. Phil says that there are two types of skiers. There is the type that goes out every weekend and ski's their legs off. They may not be the best dressed, or have the best equipment, but they're always out there experiencing the slopes and enjoying the sport. In short, they get the most out of the time they spend skiing. He goes on to describe another type of person who has the best gear, the best equipment, has a lot of head knowledge about the sport, but sits in the lodge and admires the first type of skier from afar. Phil begs the question of whether this person is really a skier at all - or does this person just like the idea of being a skier. He wraps this piece up by suggesting that there are probably people out there that view their Christianity the same way. Phil asks "Is there a possibility that some people who call themselves Christians have no real interest in practicing the teachings of Jesus?"

I talk to a lot of guys about a lot of things. One thing I find is that attitudes toward church tend to run lukewarm among men. Statistics show that the majority of families who attend church are led there by the female spouse. A guy by the name of David Murrow even wrote a book title "Why Men Hate Going to Church". Even as a proponent of male leadership in Christian homes, I find that going to church is secondary to how I feel at the time (i.e. tired, guilty, busy, etc.).

So, why is going to church so important? As a young man growing up in a conservative extremist community, I bucked this all the time with my dad. You had to be very definitely ill and able to prove it before he would let you stay home. All things church were very important to my dad - chief among them was parking your butt in a pew for 2 hours every Sunday. Even on vacation, he found a church for us to go to.

Now, as I mentor men in stressed out marriages, and talk to friends who are overwhelmed by the curves that life throws at them, I understand why my dad was so adamant about it. What's more - now I can prove that it's important. To do that I'm going to walk you through a section of the Bible in the book of Acts. This book was written by the disciple Luke and describes how the Church of Jesus Christ faced challenges to its basic existence. The section in chapter 2 describes what church was like back in the day. There was no church building - no central gathering place. Today, just as then, the church is not brick and mortar, but the people whom God calls together. Let's take a look at what they had and how they functioned as a community of believers.

Acts chapter 2, verses 42-47

42They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. 44And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; 45and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Let's pick this apart a little bit.

Verse 42 - They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

I have to wonder why Luke chose to bookend this list of behaviors with teaching and prayer. My question has very little importance except that maybe it was to keep all four elements together - that fellowship and food are just as important to the unity of the group as teaching and prayer. Regardless, they taught each other, learned from each other, ate together, and had fun together.

Verse 43 - Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles.

Here it's obvious to see that God worked among them. I get from this verse that God was real, present, and impacted their lives in obvious and positive ways.

Verse 45 - and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need.

The point here is that they cared for each other. If someone in their group needed something, they took care of it. They looked out for each other. The loved each other.

Verse 46 - Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47praising God and having favor with all the people.

I believe that this verse shows that they had fun together and that they thanked God for the positive influence of the church on their individual and collective lives.

Last part of Verse 47 - And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

God took care of them. Not only did he shield them from the people who were bent on erasing the Christian church from the planet, he added to their group and made it larger.

Notice here that this whole section refers to the church as a group of Jesus Followers that spent time together - not individually. On the plains in Africa those animals that separated themselves from the herd got picked off by the predator(s). I believe that Christians are no different when they, for whatever reason, consistently neglect going to church. Satan is just waiting for you to separate yourself from the herd so that you're vulnerable and he can pick you off.

Guys, two parting thoughts. Lead your family. Don't be the reason why your family is separated and isolated from a community of people whose entire purpose is to love, support, and teach you the ways of Jesus Christ. Going back to Phil Niekirk's analogy of the skiers - don't sit in the lodge and watch. Participate.

The last thought is actually a challenge. People who go to church tend to think in terms of what they can take away from church when they leave to go home. Instead, try to think of your church as a place where someone just might be needing you. It might be something as simple as a kind word after a really bad week. You never know when and where God may use you and your life experiences to reach someone.

You matter, man. Your existence is more significant that you may think.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sex and Fruit

I've been talking to people recently about sexual relationships, pornography, and how they relate to everyday marriage relationships.  This led me to re-read a very good book by Lewis Smedes called Sex for Christians.  I've also had one eye on the 3-part man concept, where the Holy Spirit lives through a Christian person.  I know from Smedes and from my Bible that sexual intimacy is this awesome thing God gave us that (when he created us in his own image) that is both physical and spiritual - logical and irrational - predictable yet mysterious.  the truth is that, when it's gotten right, sexual intimacy is a thing that the human vocabulary, in any language, cannot accurately and exactly describe.  

I believe that when a husband and wife are living fully in the spirit, the pleasure and ecstasy  of sexual union is limitless.  As indescribably awesome as that is, the sad reality is that this potential is left unrealized in the majority of marriages.  Further and tragically, some spouses use the miracle of married intimacy as a weapon.  What's more, I believe that a couple's sex life is a pretty accurate measure of the rest of the marriage.  As things go in the bedroom, so things go in day in -day out life.  

As I said before, I've had a lot of thoughts on sex and intimacy running through my head in the last week or so.  Finally, there is some clarity coming to all the chaos.  I've come up with an experiment, and i'd like to invite you (challenge you) to try it with me.  This will require some effort on your part; but you're a real man, so I'm sure you'll have no problem with it.  

First, you'll need to locate your Bible.  Look up Proverbs 5:18,19 and Galatians 5:22 and read them over well.  I'm not going to quote them here because I want you to go out and find them.  The next step is to set aside some time alone with your wife and talk to her about this experiment.  Remember, these things work best when you involve your spouse.  Secret spouse improvement missions usually end badly and I discourage them.  

The idea is to take the encouragement of Solomon, the Bible's most celebrated lover, and overlay the Fruit (not fruits) of the Spirit over it.  How cool would it be if you and your spouse could enjoy each other the way he encourages in the Proverb and add to it joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control?

The last part of the challenge is to work this out with your wife.  Take an hour at Starbucks or turn off the TV after the kids go to bed.  Discuss the concept with her and, together, decide what this looks like in your bedroom.  Every married couple is different.  You and your spouse have a completely different dynamic in your intimacy that I and my wife do.  Don't be afraid to talk about how the elements of Galatians 5:22 will work under the sheets.

A final note.  Guys - tattoo these three Bible verses somewhere where they'll be in the front of your mind all the time.  Tape them on the steering wheel of your car, the bathroom mirror, put them on the screen-saver of your laptop, make a new ring-tone - anything that will keep you focused on them.  I'm gonna take a cue from my 14 year old daughter who writes everything on her hand.

Let's see what happens when we look to a couple of Biblical all-stars to craft (<---that's a verb ) a better life with our spouses.

Thanks for stopping by.

Arm-chair Husband?

If you've watched any football at all you've seen a quarterback through a pass a couple dozen times.  If you're a fan of one team or another you've seen it a couple hundred times.  As you sit intently watching your team march down field toward the end zone you see how the quarterback takes the snap and steps back in the pocket.  You see how he has to read the defense to know if the blitz is coming and how much time he has.  You see how he checks down his receivers from the wide receivers down to the tight ends just across the line.  Finally, he either makes a pass or decides to get a yard or two on his own.  You see this over and over in every game you watch.  

YOU KNOW HOW TO THROW A PASS!

Still, have you ever actually done it?

Maybe some of you have gotten out in the fall at the local park with your kids or a group of friends and tossed the pig skin around some.  But for many of us actually laying hands on a football, taking a snap, and trying to throw the ball to someone else a few feet away while maintaining some level of pride and dignity is something we've rarely (if ever) done.  

Those of us involved in marriages struggle with this at one time or another.  It's the task of getting off our dime and actually walking the talk.  Knowing what to do to make your marriage or a relationship with your kids better is one thing.  Actually taking the steps to make it happen is something completely different.  

Like the guys in the park who get out a toss the ball, I know guys who've gotten used to working on their marriages and are pretty good at it.  For me, at times, it's difficult to lace up the sneakers and get out there on the field.  I don't need to tell you that sitting in the barko-lounger and eating chips and chili dogs doesn't make for a healthy football fan anymore than being complacent makes for a healthy marriage.  

In the new year when you're thinking of all the things you'd like to have happen in the next twelve months - take some time to think about the really important relationships in your life.  Where do you want your marriage to go in 2009?  What do you want it to look like next  Christmas?  

The apostle John makes a very short statement in the Bible.  Short, concise, and laser sharp.  In John 13:17 he says; Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

My challenge to you this year is to give some thought to your important relationships - specifically your marriage.  Then actually DO something about them.  John says that you will be blessed if you do.  

From my experiences I can confirm that.  

Happy New Year from 4BetterOr4Worse!