Marriage Leadership - CEO or Farmhand?

I've been cautioned about talking to people about male leadership in marriage. My wife and I are creating a web site to build on the momentum of this blog. In putting together the verbiage in the "about us" section I used the phrase "...help men be effective leaders in their marriages...".  I suppose this can be seen as controversial.  Maybe it "raises hackles", especially for some women.  

I feel very strongly that the the whole idea of male leadership in the marriage is a misunderstood concept.  I have mixed emotions about this misunderstanding.  On the one hand I find it depressing that, even in Christian marriages, popular culture has taken us so far away from the truth.  On the other hand, I get excited about the opportunities to talk to people about this truth.  

John 13: 4,5 and 14, 15

4) so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around is waist.  5) After that, he poured water into a  basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

14) Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet you also should wash one another's feet.  15) I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 

You see, being a leader in your marriage is about significance - not about importance.  Jesus says in John that leadership starts by rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty.  It's not a title (i.e. Wiley E. Coyote -  Super Genius),  it's about humble action.  It's helping with dishes, homework, and cleaning bathrooms.  It's about recognition of important dates and events.  It's about date night, love notes, and sappy cards.  It's about being present and engaged.  It's about mowing the lawn and cleaning the gutters.  It's about recognizing and patiently understanding PMS and reacting appropriately to it.  It's about rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty.  Most importantly, it's about letting the Spirit of God inside you overflow out of you and into your relationship with your wife.  

If that doesn't do it for you let me give you one other illustration.  I heard a radio interview on a local radio station after 9/11 when we first started sending troops to Afghanistan.  The interview was between the radio DJ, a soldier who was ready to depart for the Middle East, and his dad.  The DJ asked the dad how he felt about his son going to Afghanistan to fight the terrorist influences there.  The dad explained that they lived on the family farm and that farms call their employees or workers "hands" (i.e. farm-hand).  A hand is someone who is there to help the general cause and direction of the farm.  Whether it's safely running the biggest equipment on the farm or shoveling manure out of the barn, a hand is a person who "helps".  When saying goodbye, this man told his son, the soldier, to be a hand.

No matter what your title is - leadership more about being a hand than anything else.  Jesus set the example for how to be a hand in to our wives in John 13.  In doing this, he shows us what leadership is.

Thanks for checking in.  

Lessons From the Farm

Most of my family has been involved in farming to one extent or the other.  The time I spent on my uncle's farm along with countless stories from my family about their life experiences, taught me a lot about the rewards and satisfaction of hard work and more than one life lesson.  

If you've never been to a horse pulling competition I would encourage you to find time to get down to the county fair to see it.  It's an amazing display of beauty and raw power as these magnificent animals compete.  Two horses are hitched together and the driver leads them out to the stone boat that can weigh anywhere from 7000 to 10,000 pounds.  The driver takes his seat on the boat and the hands drop the hitch pin into the clevis on the boat.  As soon as the horses hear that pin drop they squat down and start pulling.  It's incredible!  

A wise old horseman once told me some facts from down on the farm that give a very simple illustration of what life could be like for couple if they would only invest some effort into their relationships.   A single draft horse can pull as much as two or three thousand pounds all by itself.  Put another horse with it and two can pull double the weight - maybe a bit more.  But if those two horses are hitched together regularly, get to know one another, and are trained by the horseman, the two - working with what they've learned about each other - can pull upwards of ten thousand pounds.

As I think about it, I'm more than a little frustrated about how little effort American culture is willing to expend on being married and how quick people are to quit the team.  It's true - a single parent can raise a family.  It's also true that a two parent family works better (pulls more weight).  But think of the possibilities of a man and wife who work together, leveraging their strengths and compensating for each other's weaknesses and what an impact they can make on their world!   That's awesome stuff!  

All to often though, we seem to be hitched together - one horse going in one direction and the other in another direction.  As husband and wife we're not even facing the same direction, let alone pulling anything together.  In some cases they're hitched but only one horse is pulling and the team just goes around in circles.  All this wasted potential frustrates me to no end when I hear of yet another couple filing for divorce.  

I want more than anything to see the couples closest to me side-by-side in the hitch, taking lessons from the master horseman, and getting as much distance out of every pull in life that they can.  

If you're married, make time this summer to take your spouse to the fair on horse pulling night.  Buy her some cotton candy and take a lesson from the farm.   You won't regret it.

Interview with MI State Senator Bill Hardiman - Introduction

Anyone who knows Bill Hardiman at all knows that he is less of a politician and more of an average Joe.  I first Met Mr Hardiman when he spoke at my church several years ago.  I knew nothing about him at the time and found him to be very genuine.  His wife, Clova, was also there when he spoke and he was not afraid to talk about the challenges that they faced in their married life.  Since that time I've met him in the grocery store a few times and also at the 4th of July celebration in the city where he was formerly mayor.  

Mr. Hardiman has a passion for marriages that is rooted in his own personal struggles and experiences much the same way my passion for married men has grown out of my struggles and experiences.  He and his wife founded an organization now called Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids,  he sits on the board of directors for the Dove Foundation, and he chairs the senate committee for Families and Human Services.  The accolades and credentials related to marriage and family nearly equal those of his political career.

It was a pleasure to sit with him over a coffee and talk about men and marriages.  I sat with him for about 40 minutes and talked with him about a number of topics.  An interview of 40 minutes transcribes into a lot of text on paper.  In an effort to make this as digestible as possible and easy to read, I've carved it up into three parts that are smaller and can easily be read in a short amount of time.   I'm posting all three at once, so you can come back anytime and read the entire interview at your own pace.  

I hope you enjoy this interview and I plan to do a few more of these in the coming months.

Thank you again for your support and feel free to tell me how you like this kind of content by leaving a comment.

Interview With Bill Hardiman - Part 1 (His Story)

Bert:    One of the reasons why I chose you for this interview is because you have a number of credentials and accolades that go along with family values and marriages.  You probably have just as many credentials in terms of marriage and family as you do in your political life.  That’s why I look to you to interview today – to get your thoughts on some things and publish that on my blog for other people to see as well.

 You and I, when we both got married, stood up in front of a church full of people and we said “for better or for worse”, “in sickness and in health”, and “for richer or for poorer”.  And at that time we were all about the “better”, the “richer”, and the “in health” but we didn’t give a whole lot of consideration for the “worse”, the “poorer”, or the “in sickness” part of it.  What I’d like to start out with is this – what has happened in your marriage that you wish someone would have prepared you for?

Mr. Hardiman:            Well, I think in my marriage I don’t know that I was very well prepared to be married when I got married.  And – this is my second marriage – my beautiful wife Clova and I just celebrated 35 years of marriage.

Bert:            Congratulations.

Mr. Hardiman:            Thank you.  We have a wonderful, wonderful relationship – something I never knew existed.  I’m in a place I never knew existed.  But it wasn’t easy getting here.  My parents separated when I was fourteen years old because of some things that were going on in the home.  Maybe they shouldn’t have been together in that atmosphere or situation as long as they were.   But they separated.

I hate divorce.  I do – I hate it.  I don’t hate the people that get divorced – I hate divorce because it breaks up something that should be sacred.  So, I didn’t have the kind of role model that I should have to show me how to be a husband and a father.  And when I got married the first time I just didn’t know what I was doing.  I just didn’t know – I’m not making an excuse – but that ended after three and a half years in divorce.   I had a son after that – out of wedlock.  And then Clova and I married. 

There are struggles that come with having a kid who’s not in the home.  I experienced that along with my lack of knowledge of how to be a good husband and father.  I thought that as long as I was making some money, bringing it home, and doing some things around the house, that was enough.  But, I wasn’t paying much attention to my wife and her particular needs.  And so our marriage was in trouble.  I think once that happens there are temptations outside the marriage.  It’s not that I fell into an adulterous situation – it wasn’t physical.  When you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need at home you develop emotional attachments, which many times, eventually end up in physical attachments.   So, not having gone to a physical level, I just realized that I was in a very difficult situation. On time Clova said,  “I just don’t have any more feelings for you.”   But I had been through one divorce and because of my faith background I didn’t believe in that and thought “I don’t want to do this again.”  I remember thinking about this and praying about it.   I used to go to the Big Lake sometimes – Grand Haven.  I remember sitting out there watching a sunset.  Coming back from that experience I remember sensing God’s presence – that He would be with me and would help me restore my marriage. 

Then I pursued my wife.  I pursued our relationship.  For a while I wasn’t receiving a whole lot of help from her because of what she had felt she had been through.  You see, both of us bring different experiences to the marriage.  Sometimes that getting to know each other experience – sometimes that giving up of our own individual wants and really loving the other person for who they are – we know that’s the purpose.  That’s hard to come to because our nature is selfish.  As I pursued her and I thought about the fact that I had heard in a message that your wife is like a garden and the kind of seed you plant indicates the kind of fruit you’ll reap.  I realized that I had not planted the best seed.  The thing about seed is that you plant it and it takes a while for the seed to come up and bear fruit.  It also multiplies.  So, sometimes things would happen that were negative and I wondered, “Why this negative reaction?”  Well, it had taken a while and it was multiplying.  So I decided to start planting good seed.  No matter what I was getting I would plant good seed.  I began to listen to her and ask her how she was feeling about things.  Sometimes when she would try to tell me that this happened and it was some years ago – “…this hurt me” or whatever, I would say, “Look, you have to get past this and look to the future.”  Instead, I changed my ways.  I said “Honey, tell me what you were feeling.” And I would think about it and talk to her about it.  Sometimes I had to say “Look, I hurt you.  I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me.”  That began a healing process. Again, I was planting good seed.   It took time. 

If someone starts this process and figures “Well, in a couple of days it should be okay.”  - or a few weeks, it probably won’t happen.  I was committed to what I felt that the Lord was telling me – to restore my marriage – my former place at my wife’s side.  He sustained me so that I could hang in there.  After a while the good fruit started to come up and multiply.  It is like casting your bread upon the water and after many days it will return.   I was casting my crumbs on the water but I started to see some loaves coming back after many days.  Again, it took a while but my wife and I have reached a place where I don’t think either one of us knew existed.  She grew up in a home where her parents were separated.  Her father was gone at a very early age.  So perhaps she didn’t have a role model of healthy married parents.  We both found something that is so real – so alive.  I remember my daughter, at one time in her life said that she didn’t want to get married.  We didn’t say anything but we knew why.  Now, later on, she saw how God had restored our marriage and she appreciated that.  Now she’s married and has a wonderful marriage.  

I think we have to work hard to turn this thing around.   I think mentoring - men mentoring men and women mentoring women  - is so very important.  It stops cycle of the breakdown of the family and turns it around into something positive so that kids can grow up seeing those kind of role models and they can have the same.  Right now it’s going in the opposite direction and we have to turn it around. 

So that’s what happened in my experience.   Out of that I have a desire to help others and to help build community.  That’s why, 11 years ago, we started what is Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids in an effort to strengthen marriages.  We’ve asked pastors to commit to certain values and principles – some of these being chastity outside of the marriage relationship and pre-marital preparation.  Again, I didn’t know how to have a good marriage but you can get a marriage license pretty easily.  You have to get trained to learn how to drive.  Hopefully, you get that training in the home, but a lot of folks aren’t doing that.  So, premarital preparation – but also post – after the wedding takes place so that there is someone you can rely on and talk with – some counseling you can have to help build a strong marriage.  We started that organization to provide some support to churches if they provide support to couples.   I want to see more and more people find the place where my wife Clova and I have found.