Lately, in my travels, I've noticed that the attitudes of men toward making changes in their marriages can be categorized three ways. There are those who are willing to humble themselves and allow themselves to be stretched and challenged. There are those who simply don't care. The third category is those who seem to believe that none of this is their problem and if something needs to change, she better get to it. It's this last category that has me scratching my head these last couple of weeks.
I think it's very possible that the arrogance and ego that these guys are displaying is actually a strong front for a lot of fear. I believe that some men are afraid to be vulnerable, humble, and to have any chinks in their armor exposed. I'm not sure where this fear comes from - it could be cultural. After all, we live in a culture that demands independence and a resolute stance from our men. We have to be all together - polished. People are disappointed in us if we show signs of struggling with anything. Maybe it's ethnic. Here in the Dutch dominated West Michigan culture, there exists a certain arrogance among the men. They're proud and they know what's what - even if they're full of crap. It could be something else too. But these are the things that come to mind.
Whatever the case - ego or fear - culture, ethnicity, or whatever - it is clear to me that their relationships are less than ideal. I've seen three cases in the last month where this attitude has driven marriages to the brink of failure. What makes me curious is how this attitude makes a man blind to the crumbling of his marriage. But, in time, when the man is sitting in his crappy one-bedroom apartment, the blinders come off and he suddenly wonders where his life went.
So, here's the question for my good friend Ed - and for the rest of you: If I'm right, and it's fear masquerading as arrogance, how can we help these guys over their fears and into a place where they can safely address the things that can bring joy and peace back to their marriages? Whether it's Ed and his family ministry at his church, me in this ministry to Christian men, or Joe Smith who's wife tells him over morning coffee that the couple next door isn't doing very well and Bob refuses to go to counseling - how do we connect with these guys who have this tough outer wall of arrogance protecting their fears?
If we could figure this out - what an impact we could have!
Let me know your thoughts. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
Thanks for stopping by.
3 comments:
I am guessing that these are the same guys who "don't dance". And I'm guessing that the cause is the same.
I'll put myself in category 1, but I have the same fear they do--and lack of knowledge, skill, and structure make it still not happen.
I think part of the challenge for men is our inexperience with expression and our need for solution. We quickly jump from something is wrong to trying to solve it without exploring why something is wrong. I for one can be very impatient and want move to resolution quickly. As a husband I need to practice patients and pace myself in addressing an issue with my spouse. We don't need to always have a solution, our wives are not always looking for us to "take care of things" but to be engaged with them.
Ed
If the guy is a believer, and truly wants to be tuned in to God's will for his life, you could try reminding him that fear is not from God. If deep down inside he is living this way out of fear then he is not living by faith. I'm preaching to the choir on this one. It is something God has been trying to teach me lately. Courage is not always easy.
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