Armchair Husband - Revisited

I was humbled yesterday - in a rather large way.  It got me thinking about the last post and how, at times, I get a little carried away without considering that things I write about are easier talked about than actually carried out.  So, let me tell you what happened to me yesterday - 

Anyone who knows me knows that I carry around a few extra pounds.   Most of the extra weight is right out in front of me and it gets in the way.   So, over the holidays I made a commitment to do something about it - throw some passes, as it were.  I dug out my wife's TaeBo video tapes and me and Billy Blanks went at it for a while.  If my workout yesterday were compared to just one pass play on a football field the pass didn't make it half way to the closest receiver - who was standing ten yards away and he was wide open.

I watched the Introduction to TaeBo video tape while I sat on the sofa and thought to myself, "I did rougher stuff than that in high school.  This will be cake!"   I rewound the tape and started over again, this time standing in the middle of the floor with my dukes up just like ol'  Billy and proceeded to remind me that high school was 20-some years ago.

How does this apply to being an armchair husband?  Like my last post, I got all fired up, made the commitment to change, and actually made a move to change.  Yet, once I made that move to change I suddenly realized that making this change is not going to be easy.    What's more, that was just one workout. Change doesn't happen as the result of one instance of motivation turned to action.   

Change comes with consistency over time.  With the TaeBo work out, I've done one in a row -  nothing has changed.  What's more - I really have no desire to do that again.  It's uncomfortable, it hurts, and it's generally unpleasant.  But if I don't nothing will change.  

How many of us men know what that's like?  How many of us are caught between settling for an undesirable situation and knowing that to change it is going to be uncomfortable, time consuming, and it will likely be emotionally draining.  Most times, settling for the undesirable is the choice we opt for because it's the path of least resistance.  

My friends, I really don't want you to settle.  I want your marriage to be as awesome as it can be.  I want you to be really happy with your wife and family.  The reality for most of us is that to move from where we are now to really happy is going to take some effort and we'll have endure some discomfort.  I believe it will be so much worth the effort and discomfort in the end!

I'm here to encourage you, to bounce ideas around with, and to listen to your frustrations.  What's more, if you are really struggling with something and need some help you can click on the button to the right and sign up for the 4BetterOr4Worse men's group on yahoo.  There are some very solid men there who can help you work through some stuff.  

A note to wives - I normally don't write to the ladies but I know a lot of you read here.  When you see your husband making an effort to change and make things better - please be encouraging - even if encouragement means not saying nothing.  Try to get behind your man and help him with the issue of consistency over time.  Don't do or say anything that will make him believe that settling for what he has now is the better option.  

Thanks for stopping by.  I'm off to do my Tae Bo Workout.

Arm-chair Husband?

If you've watched any football at all you've seen a quarterback through a pass a couple dozen times.  If you're a fan of one team or another you've seen it a couple hundred times.  As you sit intently watching your team march down field toward the end zone you see how the quarterback takes the snap and steps back in the pocket.  You see how he has to read the defense to know if the blitz is coming and how much time he has.  You see how he checks down his receivers from the wide receivers down to the tight ends just across the line.  Finally, he either makes a pass or decides to get a yard or two on his own.  You see this over and over in every game you watch.  

YOU KNOW HOW TO THROW A PASS!

Still, have you ever actually done it?

Maybe some of you have gotten out in the fall at the local park with your kids or a group of friends and tossed the pig skin around some.  But for many of us actually laying hands on a football, taking a snap, and trying to throw the ball to someone else a few feet away while maintaining some level of pride and dignity is something we've rarely (if ever) done.  

Those of us involved in marriages struggle with this at one time or another.  It's the task of getting off our dime and actually walking the talk.  Knowing what to do to make your marriage or a relationship with your kids better is one thing.  Actually taking the steps to make it happen is something completely different.  

Like the guys in the park who get out a toss the ball, I know guys who've gotten used to working on their marriages and are pretty good at it.  For me, at times, it's difficult to lace up the sneakers and get out there on the field.  I don't need to tell you that sitting in the barko-lounger and eating chips and chili dogs doesn't make for a healthy football fan anymore than being complacent makes for a healthy marriage.  

In the new year when you're thinking of all the things you'd like to have happen in the next twelve months - take some time to think about the really important relationships in your life.  Where do you want your marriage to go in 2009?  What do you want it to look like next  Christmas?  

The apostle John makes a very short statement in the Bible.  Short, concise, and laser sharp.  In John 13:17 he says; Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

My challenge to you this year is to give some thought to your important relationships - specifically your marriage.  Then actually DO something about them.  John says that you will be blessed if you do.  

From my experiences I can confirm that.  

Happy New Year from 4BetterOr4Worse!

Can You Hear Me Now?

One of the biggest issues I find in my travels with men (even in my own marriage) is communication.  The holidays are a time of year is when communication between husbands and wives can really get derailed.  The chaos of shopping, family commitments, gatherings, baby sitters, and holiday finances can put stress on any relationship.

A lot of that stress can be boiled down to communication - either lack of it or poor quality.  When the answer to "Can you hear me now?" appears to be a negative we tend to counter with "Okay - how about if I yell?!  Will that work better?  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"  (Just once I'd like to see a Verizon commercial where the guy asks "Can you hear me now?  Hello?   Hello?")  Sometimes couples can fall into a rut where they function more like room mates sharing the same living space instead of a union of two souls the way God intended us to be.  I've been guilty of that lately.  A recent "Can you hear me now?" session with my wife has given me clarity to my shortcomings.  

Here's a suggestion for improving the communication in your relationship.  Since the holidays are nearly by us, make this happen as soon as possible.  Make a date night with your wife - and make that time sacred in your planner or on your blackberry.  Make it as extravagant as you can or as simple as you have to.  An hour and $10 at Starbucks can be the perfect getaway and it gives you an hour to talk.  For a long time our date night was Thursday night.  We left the kids at home and got a bit to eat, shopped for groceries, and then had a coffee at Starbucks.  Fancy and romantic?  Not a bit.  But it did give us time to talk about issues with the kids and school, it let us vent to each other a little about work, and gave us time to just take a breath and keep connected.  

Now - two quick words of warning.  First, this is not intended to be a secret marriage improvement mission.  Don't do this on your own.  Share the vision with her - bring her in on the plan.  If she doesn't know what's going on your chances of success are much less.   Second, you might not see the intended benefits of "date night" right out of the box.  Like anything else, practice makes things better.  Time and consistency are the key to making this work.  

Merry Christmas to you and I sincerely hope that in the coming year you can say that your marriage is awesome.  

Finders Keepers

On Wednesday I was out killing time at the grocery store with my kids while we waited to pick up my wife.  We had pretty much picked off the list and were wandering around looking at different things when I looked down and saw some cash on the floor.  I considered diving on it like a linebacker trying to recover a fumble.  However, keeping my composure, I picked it up and looked around.  There was only one person standing anywhere close by - a  young kid no more that twenty years old.  I asked him if it was his and he answered no.  

Thirty five bucks.  That's gas money for almost a week - nearly a full tank of gas at $1.50-something a gallon.  Hmmmm.  What to do?  As I was shoving the money in my pocket my ten year old son looked at me and said "Dad, aren't you going to turn that in?"  I'm not sure if it was guilt or a bit of frustration at being caught by my son shoving someone else's money into my pocket.   "Lets find a store worker."  I said.  

In the nearby Ladies Department there were three employees having a water cooler chat of some kind.  I approached them, told them how I found the cash on the floor, and asked them what I should do with it.  They explained the store policy of putting my name and phone number on the wad of cash and that they would keep it for thirty days.  If the money was not claimed, after thirty days it was mine.  I thanked them for their assistance and we went on our way.  

Over in the produce section I stopped the cart and had a discussion with my two kids - one ten, the other fourteen.  My daughter acknowledged that we needed the money, but also, truthfully, stated that it simply was not our money.  My son maintained that we needed to turn it in.  While listening to both of them I was growing more and more angry over the hard time I was having over a lousy thirty five bucks.  We finally made the decision to turn the money in.  We checked out with our groceries and then made our way to the customer service desk as directed by the employees in the Ladies Department.  

We were there for no more than five minutes - all the while I had to resist the urge to put the cash back in my pocket and run out the door with it.  After all - finders keepers - right?  Still, it wasn't my money.  As she took my name and number and put the cash in an envelope I knew I'd  never see that money again.  

Did I do the right thing?  Maybe.  Did I teach my children a lesson against greed and in favor of responsibility?  Maybe.  In this case, responsibility didn't make my gas gauge move in a positive direction.  

The truth of the matter is that it wasn't MY money.  In reality, none of it is.  Even MY money isn't my money.  As a man - a leader of my family - I need to keep my eye on the ball.  Everything I have comes from God.  My house, my car, my kids, my groceries, the computer I use to write this blog - it all comes from God's provision.  What' s more, if everything I have comes from God, then everything I have should be used for God.  My house, car, kids, groceries, and my computer - I should be willing to put it all up for the work of God.  If a friend needs a place to stay he can use the house God gave me.  If someone needs a ride, I can give them a lift with the car God gave me.  If an elderly person needs some help, the kids God gave me can assist them.  Poor as I am, I have been blessed with a lot of food.  If I know someone needs it - I can make them a meal with the groceries God gave me.  You get the point.  

So, if the cash belongs to God, did I do the right thing?  Leave and comment and let me know what you think.