Marriage Pro's - Bill and Anabel Gillham

This is an interview with Bill and Anabel Gillham - founders of Lifetime Guarantee.  My wife and I receive their newsletter and I'm going to publish this interview with permission from Lifetime.org.  The interview was done by Andy Knight, the president of Lifetime Guarantee Ministries.  

To use the word "veterans" to describe Bill and Anabel's marriage adventure is an understatement.  They're both in their golden years yet still work hard at  helping men and women understand what it is to have a Christ centered marriage.  

I hope you find some pearls of wisdom here.

As you are probably aware, Bill and Anabel Gillham have spoken all over the country, written numerous articles, and recorded several audio series on how to have a successful marriage.  More importantly, they've been married longer than most of us have been alive.  Not too long ago, I sat down with these marriage veterans and asked them a few hard questions.

After offering me a Dr. Pepper (which I never refuse), Bill and Anabel snuggled up on their living room love seat.  Like young newlyweds, Bill draped his left arm over Anabel's shoulder, and she rested her right hand on his knee.  They look so comfortable and...together.  I jumped right in with my first question.  

AK:  What would you say is one of the biggest struggles that couples face in marriage?

Bill (B): The single life is very different.  Singles make their own decisions and don't have to explain their feelings.  The most difficult thing in marriage is realizing that you are not operating independently anymore.  You have to learn to work around and with each other.  

What do you know now about marriage that you didn't know before you were married?

B:  About 98% [laughter]

AK:  You both have obviously learned to work around each other.  Couples are getting divorced left and right these days and here you are at 50+ years of marriage.  You obviously know something about having a great marriage.

Anabel (A):  Couples today don't have expectations that their marriage will last a lifetime, but when we were married, we believed marriage was to be a lifelong commitment.  We just didn't know how to make it enjoyable.  

AK:  You mentioned "lifelong commitment".  Is that how your marriage survived?

B:  When we were married, divorce was disgraceful, so we simply endured each other.  Had we married today, it surely would not have lasted.  Part of the reason for failed marriages today is that we think it's our love for one another that will hold the marriage together and the couple will say, "We just don't love each other any longer."  Love does not hold the marriage together.  The marriage holds the love together.  The "feelings" of love can fade over time, but commitment to Christ through us in the marriage will enable a couple to stay the course.  

B&A:  By the grace of God, we later discovered that the answer to having  a successful marriage was allowing Christ to love one another through us.  Before we learned that, it was sheer commitment, not happiness, that kept us together.  

AK:  It sounds like your marriage has passed through different states?

B:  The first stage is where the husband is mentally retarded.

A:  Yes, for us the first stage was a husband who was indulged in childhood and carried that into the marriage.  That stage could be called "survive to please  Bill" and lasted even into Bill's Christian years.  The second stage was learning what we needed to do to solidify our relationship, and that was the "Coming to Know Christ as Life" stage.  In the stage that we're in now, we have accepted that we are going to be together.  We don't want out.  In fact, getting out was never an option.  We have begun to allow Christ to live through us and are coming to understand what marriage is all about.  It is learning to trust Christ to express His life through us to each other.  

AK:  So now that you're in this good stage, are there differences for you both in how you express love to each other?

A:  I often "loved" Bill by doing instead of being.  My pattern for being loved was to work very hard to please people so I tried to show Bill my diligent efforts - the things I did for him - that I loved him.  He doesn't need that.  He needs me to be his wife - not his maid or cook.

B:  Commitment must be spelled with time and effort.  This is how I love Anabel, giving her security in our marriage.  

AK:  If you could do you marriage over again what would you do differently?

G:  It would be fun to have known Christ as my new life before we got married.  But I also believe that an integral part of our pilgrimage were the bad days we went through.  It was the negatives as well as the positives that produced the current stage of our marriage.  yes, it was painful and ugly, but I can see that it took that to put me where I am today.  Believe me, I have not arrived!  I have a long way to go.

AK:  Do you have any other advice that you would like to give couples that are about to be married?

B:  It is very important for a couple to know the power package of what God accomplished for us as new creations in Christ.  Through Jesus Christ we have an immediate change of our identity.  In the Bible, God calls us "saints" 42 times after his death on the cross.  We went from being a sinner to a saint; from being an enemy of God to a friend of God; a rejected loser to an accepted winner; a person fighting for love to a person loved by our Creator beyond our comprehension; and from a clueless marriage partner not especially interested in changing to a partner seeking change to become a successful marriage partner. 

A:  Listening to each other is an indispensable element in a good marriage and listening is very hard to do.  You must be aware that marriage is hard work and be prepared to give of yourself.

B:  It's also important to know each other's needs.  Even though the male is typically a bonehead in this area, he can learn and then look to Christ living through him to make the difference.  

I want to thank Bill and Anabel for answering my questions.  What an amazing example they are off a Godly marriage.  We'd love to hear from you about how knowing Christ as Life and understanding who you are in Christ has helped your marriage.

Andy.

Off On A Rant

 Forgive me.  I'm about to go on a rant ala Dennis Miller.  

Not long ago I found out that another marriage has bought the farm.  Once again, this is a couple that I hold as a good friend.  Tonight I find myself shaking my fist angrily at God and asking "How many more of my friends need to go through this?  This just isn't right!"

In any trial there is a prosecution and a defense.  In divorce proceedings there  is a prosecution and a defense on each side.  All four elements engage in a battle, each side using their prosecution and defense resources to impugn the other into submission or retreat until a judge declares - not a victory - but a cease fire.  

I'm so upset by this that I sat my analytical self down and attempted to make an outline, methodically laying out everything I wanted to say in this blog post.  In the end it all seemed like crap.  So please bear with me as I try to communicate to you what my heart feels.  

Guys, your home is the most important thing you have.  It's not just outlets, toilet valves, and shingles.  It's your home base of operations.  It's your fallout shelter from the blasts of the world.  It's the operations and logistics center for everyone in your home.  It's the war room where you solve problems and settle differences.  It's the oasis where you find peace and rest.  There are two very basic and very important aspects of your home that you have to understand clearly in order to prevent the retaining of legal counsel to impose a cease fire to the dysfunction.  

First, you have to understand that your home has a physical realm and a spiritual realm.  In the physical realm you close and lock all your doors and windows when you leave the house and when you go to sleep at night.  Why?  Obviously, to prevent those who would do you harm and steel your valuables from doing so.  It's common sense.  The same thing is true in the spiritual realm.  You need to take care to secure your home spiritually from those who would do you harm and take your valuables.  If you leave a door or a window unlocked or open it's an invitation for satan to come in and do harm to your relationship with your wife and your kids, rob you of your patience, your understanding, your leadership - leaving you with self doubt, anger, frustration, and all kinds of other bad stuff.  A guy can continually leave a spiritual window open and suddenly wake up in a crappy one bedroom apartment with the realization that everything he had has been taken from him.  You have to secure your home on the spiritual level as-well-as the physical level!

The second, and most important, aspect is that your relationship with God is directly connected with everything in your home - physically and spiritually.  How you humble yourself before God, acknowledge the Holy Spirit inside you, and choose to live under grace - OR NOT - will have a direct and immediate impact on your home and everyone in it.  

Please take some time today to be by yourself, in a quiet place, and make an honest evaluation of where you are with these two very important aspects of your home.  If you search your heart and you decide that you're on a pretty good track, then I'm happy for you - God bless you as you continue.  If you're struggling - if you know things aren't right - and you're not at all sure of how to bale out your boat before it goes under, please let me know.  There is help for you here.

Who Provides You With Your Stuff?

I've been unemployed for nine months now.  During this time I have often asked God (sometimes out of frustration and anger) why he seems to not want me to provide for my family.  More times than I can count, I have told people "I don't want to be wealthy.  I just want to have enough to pay the bills!  Why can't God appreciate that?"  It hasn't been until the last couple of months that I've begun to understand the answer to that question.  

As men we are given this notion that we need to provide for our families.  Even in families where both husband and wife work outside the home to make ends meet, often it's the man who has the larger of the two incomes.  Without that job, the family would be hard pressed to continue in the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed.  It's this mentality that has led to the cultural impression that a man's identity is largely wrapped around his career.  Without a job or a career, what is a man?   Take away his ability to work and you largely take away his masculinity.  Another thing that I've told a lot of people through this experience is that men are not made to be home during the day.  

Going back a few posts ago, I mentioned that my family's past is largely wrapped around farming - mostly dairy farming.  My uncle Al had a saying - "Everything we have comes from udders."  That saying made a lot of people chuckle.  The point here is that Al had it right when he implies that things (i.e. success, houses, cars, TV's, stereos, vacations, etc.) don't come from our own efforts.  I see your eyebrows quirking here.  I know that you put in a lot of overtime to buy that truck.  I know that the government took money out of your hard earned paycheck and gave it back to you (interest free) in the form of a tax return that you used to buy that 52 inch plasma TV.  It's your money, right?  You worked hard for that!

Here's what I've learned - and it might upset you.  It's not your money.  It's not your truck.  It's not your plasma TV.  It's not your stereo.  It's not your Blackberry.  It's not yours, it's not mine, it doesn't belong to the bank or the credit card company either.

Let's take a look:

Job 1:10, 11

Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.

Job has become the biblical cliche for the man who lost everything he had.  Still, ask yourself how he got everything he had.  These verses clearly state that even satan knew that everything Job had came from God's provision.

Luke 12:21-34

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 

Here, Jesus tells all who follow him - "Look.  I'll take care of you.  Don't depend on your own provision - depend on mine."

I Kings 17: 2-4

Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: 3 "Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. 4 You will drink from the brook, and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there."

God provided Elijah with food and water even when He scorched the rest of the surrounding land.  

John 6: 10-13

10Jesus said, "Have the people sit down." There was plenty of grass in that place, and the men sat down, about five thousand of them. 11Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

 12When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." 13So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.

Jesus provided food for all these people who had nothing.  What's more, he did it in a way that was obvious to his followers so they could see how His love provides.  

Guys, I've learned a hard lesson from being unemployed.  For a long time I've been leaning on my own abilities to provide for myself and my family. You can argue that the reason why I lost my job was because my focus was in the wrong direction - I'm not sure I know that for certain.  Yet, I can tell you that I have been humbled before God.  Even now, I wait on God daily for His provision for my family.  As I write this I know that I have enough to get my family through the day.  But tomorrow is still in question.

Am I content?  Contentment is difficult when you can only see the next step in front of you.  Am I where I want to be at this point when I'm in my 40's?  Not even close!  But I think the real question is am I where God wants me to be?   That is the quest that I am on.  

I encourage you to re-evaluate your attitude toward who provides you with your stuff.  In addition, if you have a lot of stuff - stuff God has provided you with - how are you using it?  If you really believe that it all belongs to God (the house, the car, the boat, the 4-wheeler) are you using it for own enjoyment or could you be using the stuff to help other people see  God in your life?

Thanks for stopping by.

Serve your way to Significance

By now you know that I'm a big proponent of male leadership in marriage and home.  When I talk to people about husbands and wives and the roles they play in a marriage I get all kinds of responses.  When I talk about the roles of husbands and wives in the context of the Bible things get even more interesting, especially when I'm talking to women.  If you've read any of my stuff you know that I hold I Peter 3:1-7 as the model for Christian marriages.  Why Peter decided to talk about the woman's role first I have no idea.  People get so upset of the first two or three verses that they never get to verse 7.  

I Peter 3:1-7

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

 7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These verses are not about stuffing women into insignificance while promoting men above them.  In fact, in verse 7 Peter says just the opposite.  In terms of salvation and eternal life, women are equals. 

Male leadership in the marriage is NOT:

• Oppressive - "I will decide for my wife!"
• Dictatorial - "You will do as I say!"
• Egotistical - "I know what's best!"

Luke adds another twist to things when he recounts the experience of the last supper before the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

 24Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. 27For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.

If we overlay the statements of Jesus according to Luke over top of what Peter says in I Peter 3:7 we get a clear picture of how men achieve significance in our marriages.  Significance (i.e. effective leadership) is achieved through an attitude - service.  

Male leadership, as God intended it, IS: supportive, considerate, loving, collaborative, wise, respectful, humble, transparent, teaching by example, and dependent on the Holy Spirit.  Honestly, what wife wouldn't want this in a husband?

Here are two examples:

First, check out a book called the 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.  If you don't have it, buy a copy.  In the book Dr Chapman refers to 5 basic behaviors that husbands and wives both relate to.  Everyone can relate to words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  Dr. Chapman challenges husbands and wives to learn not only what your love language is - but more importantly, the love language of your spouse.  Then, speak to her in that language.   

The second example goes back to a chat I had with Michigan State Senator, Bill Hardiman.  Mr Hardiman talked to me about sowing seeds.  He recounted to me a time in his marriage when his wife was angry with him all the time and they were miserable together.  Faced with divorcing a second time, he decided to make some changes.  He called it "sowing good seeds".  He encouraged me by saying that all seed takes time to grow - even the bad seeds.  If you've been sowing bad seed it's still going to grow and you have to deal with the responsibility of what you've sown.  Yet, he was very specific in saying that the same is true of sowing good seed.  It takes time to grow.  You don't plant a kernel of corn today and get a full ear tomorrow.  Still, the more you sow the better off you'll be in the future.   Mr Hardiman's consistent effort to sow good seed over time proved to be the thing that turned his marriage around.  Over time, the bad stuff ran it's course and died out.   In it's place, the good seeds grew and the good things in his relationship with his wife grew.

Both Dr. Chapman and Senator Hardiman show us how an attitude of service can help us answer God's call to leadership and significance in our marriages and in our homes.  

In I John 13:17, the Apostle John says, "Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."  

Thanks for stopping by.

Sex and Fruit

I've been talking to people recently about sexual relationships, pornography, and how they relate to everyday marriage relationships.  This led me to re-read a very good book by Lewis Smedes called Sex for Christians.  I've also had one eye on the 3-part man concept, where the Holy Spirit lives through a Christian person.  I know from Smedes and from my Bible that sexual intimacy is this awesome thing God gave us that (when he created us in his own image) that is both physical and spiritual - logical and irrational - predictable yet mysterious.  the truth is that, when it's gotten right, sexual intimacy is a thing that the human vocabulary, in any language, cannot accurately and exactly describe.  

I believe that when a husband and wife are living fully in the spirit, the pleasure and ecstasy  of sexual union is limitless.  As indescribably awesome as that is, the sad reality is that this potential is left unrealized in the majority of marriages.  Further and tragically, some spouses use the miracle of married intimacy as a weapon.  What's more, I believe that a couple's sex life is a pretty accurate measure of the rest of the marriage.  As things go in the bedroom, so things go in day in -day out life.  

As I said before, I've had a lot of thoughts on sex and intimacy running through my head in the last week or so.  Finally, there is some clarity coming to all the chaos.  I've come up with an experiment, and i'd like to invite you (challenge you) to try it with me.  This will require some effort on your part; but you're a real man, so I'm sure you'll have no problem with it.  

First, you'll need to locate your Bible.  Look up Proverbs 5:18,19 and Galatians 5:22 and read them over well.  I'm not going to quote them here because I want you to go out and find them.  The next step is to set aside some time alone with your wife and talk to her about this experiment.  Remember, these things work best when you involve your spouse.  Secret spouse improvement missions usually end badly and I discourage them.  

The idea is to take the encouragement of Solomon, the Bible's most celebrated lover, and overlay the Fruit (not fruits) of the Spirit over it.  How cool would it be if you and your spouse could enjoy each other the way he encourages in the Proverb and add to it joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control?

The last part of the challenge is to work this out with your wife.  Take an hour at Starbucks or turn off the TV after the kids go to bed.  Discuss the concept with her and, together, decide what this looks like in your bedroom.  Every married couple is different.  You and your spouse have a completely different dynamic in your intimacy that I and my wife do.  Don't be afraid to talk about how the elements of Galatians 5:22 will work under the sheets.

A final note.  Guys - tattoo these three Bible verses somewhere where they'll be in the front of your mind all the time.  Tape them on the steering wheel of your car, the bathroom mirror, put them on the screen-saver of your laptop, make a new ring-tone - anything that will keep you focused on them.  I'm gonna take a cue from my 14 year old daughter who writes everything on her hand.

Let's see what happens when we look to a couple of Biblical all-stars to craft (<---that's a verb ) a better life with our spouses.

Thanks for stopping by.

Lessons From the Farm

Most of my family has been involved in farming to one extent or the other.  The time I spent on my uncle's farm along with countless stories from my family about their life experiences, taught me a lot about the rewards and satisfaction of hard work and more than one life lesson.  

If you've never been to a horse pulling competition I would encourage you to find time to get down to the county fair to see it.  It's an amazing display of beauty and raw power as these magnificent animals compete.  Two horses are hitched together and the driver leads them out to the stone boat that can weigh anywhere from 7000 to 10,000 pounds.  The driver takes his seat on the boat and the hands drop the hitch pin into the clevis on the boat.  As soon as the horses hear that pin drop they squat down and start pulling.  It's incredible!  

A wise old horseman once told me some facts from down on the farm that give a very simple illustration of what life could be like for couple if they would only invest some effort into their relationships.   A single draft horse can pull as much as two or three thousand pounds all by itself.  Put another horse with it and two can pull double the weight - maybe a bit more.  But if those two horses are hitched together regularly, get to know one another, and are trained by the horseman, the two - working with what they've learned about each other - can pull upwards of ten thousand pounds.

As I think about it, I'm more than a little frustrated about how little effort American culture is willing to expend on being married and how quick people are to quit the team.  It's true - a single parent can raise a family.  It's also true that a two parent family works better (pulls more weight).  But think of the possibilities of a man and wife who work together, leveraging their strengths and compensating for each other's weaknesses and what an impact they can make on their world!   That's awesome stuff!  

All to often though, we seem to be hitched together - one horse going in one direction and the other in another direction.  As husband and wife we're not even facing the same direction, let alone pulling anything together.  In some cases they're hitched but only one horse is pulling and the team just goes around in circles.  All this wasted potential frustrates me to no end when I hear of yet another couple filing for divorce.  

I want more than anything to see the couples closest to me side-by-side in the hitch, taking lessons from the master horseman, and getting as much distance out of every pull in life that they can.  

If you're married, make time this summer to take your spouse to the fair on horse pulling night.  Buy her some cotton candy and take a lesson from the farm.   You won't regret it.

Armchair Husband - Final Thoughts - I Promise

As soon as I finished the last post I realized that I left out a very important piece to this jigsaw puzzle.  The piece I missed is the fact that, in and of ourselves, we will fail at anything we attempt to do.  

Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

This piece of the Bible from the Apostle Paul is simple yet heavy with truth.  Equally heavy with truth is the fact that without him who gives you strength, you're a loser every time.  

When it comes to the practice (and I do mean practice) of taking your marriage from a point where it's simply okay to the point where either you or your wife can brag about your spouse to your friends,  you simply cannot do it without God in your life.  If you try - you will fail. 

Okay - now that I've completely disillusioned you, let me give you the good news.  I've posted a graphic at the top right of the blog page that shows how God created humans in his own image and in three parts - spirit, soul, and body.  If you're reading this in an RSS feed click over to www.4BetterOr4Worse.blogspot.com to see the graphic.  To review quickly, when we became a Christian we exchanged our blackened, dead spirit for the Spirit of God.  This is a gift from God simply called grace and it means that the full strength of God (see Phil 4:13 above) resides in us.  

You know this, right?  So what?   Remember when I said that improvement in your relationship comes with consistency over time?  It's this consistent practice where most men get derailed.  It's like a new years resolution to lose that extra 20 pounds that never makes it past the first of February.  This is what happens if you don't tap in to the Spirit.  That thing that you and your spouse agreed to change for the better or your relationship becomes mundane, time consuming, the benefits aren't coming as quickly as our immediate gratification culture would like, and you just don't wanna anymore.  

Bill and Annabel Gillham run a ministry called Lifetime Guarantee (www.lifetime.org).  The two have written books and have become an integral part of the Association of Exchanged Life Ministries.  In Bill's book Lifetime Guarantee, Bill uses the analogy of mowing the lawn.  He doesn't want to mow the lawn.  He'd much rather be doing something else.  What he describes is the recognition of the Holy Spirit in his life and how he allows the Spirit to take over and strengthen him (see Phil 4:13 above) to stay on track.  He says that God mows the lawn and Bill becomes the method God uses to get it done.  

Let's go back to my Tae Bo workouts with Billy Blanks.  I've got some weight to lose.  I know that if I consistently stick with the program the chances are good that not only will I lose the weight but I'll also get some secondary benefits from it - like being more physically pleasing to the eye of my wife.   

If I go it alone and do this my own way - I'm all done with Tae Bo and I'm going to the bar for a beer and a football game.  I really don't want to work out because it's uncomfortable, time consuming, I'm not going to be skinny tomorrow, and I'm just not interested in doing that anymore.   

However, if I get out of the way and let the Holy Spirit strengthen me (see Phil 4:13 above), the Spirit will empower me to get down in the basement, the Spirit will lead me through the workout today and every day.  If I keep my sights set on putting myself aside and letting the Spirit live and work through me I'll have the strength (see Phil 4:13 above) to be consistent over time, get in better shape, lose the extra pounds, and see my wife give me the come hither look more often.

Guys - this is the path to success.  Whether it's your marriage, your master's degree, or cleaning the garage - you certainly can do anything through him who gives you strength.  The key to seeing the success is consistency over time.  This consistency over time comes from the everyday practice of getting out of the way and letting the Spirit of God live through your life.  

If you have any questions or you're uncertain how this works in your life, leave a comment.  Let's talk about it.