Heros

On November 17, 2000, my hero was taken down by a tumor that spanned both hemispheres of his brain. He was seven years older than me. There was nothing he couldn't do. I'm not sure anyone ever asked him to leap a tall building but I'm sure he could figure out how to get it done. He was the problem solver, the answer man, the go-to guy. He was my hero. He was my big brother.

George understood, more than most people, that a man is measured by his character. He knew that people watched him, looked at him, looked to him - looked up to him. He was aware. As such, my brother conducted himself to the highest degree of integrity possible. There's the old cliche - Nobody's Perfect. And he wasn't. But I don't know many people who had more integrity and strength of character than he did.

He wasn't the only hero I have. There's a select few others that I have really looked up to over the years. Some have passed on. Some are still around. But all had/have that understanding that people do watch and pay attention. They know that character and integrity counts. They get it.

Whose hero are you?

Committment, Responsibility, and Encouragement.

Tonight I'm watching one of my favorite TV shows - Ax Men. I live the rough and rugged, macho life vicariously through the loggers on this show. On tonight's episode, the son of one of the logging bosses is in charge of a smaller job that is being used to test his muster with the old man and the others on the crew. Things are not going well. He's frustrated with the problems at every turn. He's under pressure to succeed. And he really doesn't have a way out. Tonight, he threw down his chain saw and walked away. "I don't want to log anymore. Not if it's going to be like this."

I feel for this kid. I've been in his situation before. I know those stresses. I've felt that pressure. I remember wish for and looking for a way out. I'm most certainly familiar with "I don't want to do this anymore. Not if it's going to be like this." I know what that's like. If you are in the 30+ age group you probably know this as well as I do. If you're in a younger age group you have either not had the experience before or you might be in the middle of it. It's a horrible, hurtful, gut wrenching situation. If it's not - and walking away isn't difficult - then you committment isn't where it should be.

When you're committed to someone you have responsibilty. You own the relationship (not the person in the relationship). The responsibility is what keeps you from walking away. It's what keeps you engaged in order to move the relationship to a better place. Having responsibility isn't always a downer. If it were always an positive this blog wouldn't be here. I'm here to talk about what happens when everything goes down the crapper.

Two things:

First, You're there and this is how life is sometimes. Chalk it up to sometimes life just sucks. But you're there and you can't change that. Further, I believe that walking away from it will simply make it worse. I'm and IT guy. I work with fatastically complicated hardware and software. And when it all falls apart I pick up the phone and call technical support. I have a contact list full of people to call for different situations. Like my career, I also have a number of people that I can call on to help support my relationships. I have a career mentor to help support my career. I have a marriage mentor to help me work through problems that I have in my marriage. And I have support for my parenting. I have people to call - and I've called them. Who is your technical support? If you don't have a support network I suggest you start to give that some thought. If you haven't hit a rough spot in your marriage - you will. And you're going to need some help to struggle though it and honor your responsibility to your spouse and your committment to your marriage.

Next I want to address those of us who've been through the relationshp battles. If you fit into that group, you know what you've learned in the school of hard knocks. I challenge you to look around you. Look for the signs of others that are in the middle of the battles. Be a support person for someone else. I think that relationships and circumstances are difficult enough without having to go it alone. Be open, willing, and watchful for an opportunity to be someone's support network.

It truly does take a village.

Getting it Right

A couple of weeks ago I ran into an old friend at my favorite doughnut shop. I use the term old friend in a couple of different ways. I've known Arnold all my life - 42 years. Arnold was there when I was baptized as an infant. 42 years later, Arnold was there in the doughnut shop. Arnold is old.

To use the term "remarkable" to describe Arnold is a large scale understatement. He was married to Marian - for how many years, I don't know. They had a family together and lived on the Southwest side of Grand Rapids. Their marriage was amazing because Marian suffered from one physical and psychological ailment after another. Marian was sweet, incredibly funny, and knew how to play the hymnbook on the piano, cover to cover, from memory. Tell her what you wanted to hear - and she'd just start playing it. Yet, she was plagued by depression, severe panic attacks, and as she aged she became more and more unstable. It was common for the pastor to ask for prayers for Marian as she was admitted to the psych hospital - again. In addition to her mental instabilities she had all kinds of reproductive and abdominal issues. She was simply a messed up woman who grinned a lot, told great jokes, and played a good piano.

What I admire most about Arnold is that he was always there. He ushered her to and from the psych hospital, the regular hospital, church, and home. He did the grocery shopping, the laundry, cleaned the house, and cooked. And when he greeted me he always had a big smile on his face and shook my hand firmly with his massive hand.

I get tired, cranky, and worn out on a regular basis. I have 2 kids and a wife. I wonder how many times Arnold (with his 3 boys and high maintenance wife) dumped himself in his chair, in the dark, and cried. I wonder how often Arnold looked up toward heaven, shook his fist at God, and said "THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!" Still, Arnold did what he had to do - day in - day out. He stood by Marian til the end. She died about 10 years ago when cancer took her to be with the Lord.

You might say that Arnold got a raw deal. One could argue that his marriage was messed up, a shambles, a disaster. I KNOW beyond a doubt that Arnold loved Marian as much as a man can love a woman.

I think he understood for better or for worse and got it right. Arnold is a real man.

Another One Down

Yesterday I found out that another marriage went down in flames. It's someone I've known for a long time. Word has it that the relationship has been stressed out for a long time. He went away on a business trip and while he was gone she sent him an e-mail saying that she'd be cleared out of the house by the time he got back - and she was.

Statistics show that roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. I haven't done the math on the friends and relationships that are around me, but it feels like it's more that half. In my circle, it seems that 2-3 marriages are failing every year. Frankly, I don't have enough friends for this to go on any longer. Within a year or so I'll be the only one still married! That's a sad fact.

As men, it's easy to be apathetic. Waiting for things to blow over or get better is not difficult. What is difficult is taking action. Confronting weak areas in our marriage is not pleasant, often exposes our own ugly spots, and the rewards for confrontation are rarely immediate. You have to have some stones to address relationship issues. If you're reading this and you're getting that queasy feeling in your stomach because you know things need to be addressed but you'd rather pull your fingernails out with a vise grips - I have a couple of things for you to think about.

I'll always start with accountability. It's not fun. It may even hurt. But, like the heading of this blog, you said for better or for worse in front of God and everybody. At that point it stopped being all about you and started being all about "us". You made a comittement and you're expected to keep it.

If you're an athlete you're very aware of the old cliche "no pain, no gain". Getting into the physical condition you want to be in requires some level of discomfort. The same is true for relationships. In addition, like losing weight, you have to get to that point where you look in the mirror and say "enough!". At that point you're ready to start working on things. You have to go through the bad before you can get to the good. I know that these things read like hollow cliche's. And maybe they are. But there's a fair amount of truth in them.

When you've psyched yourself up or you're reached the point where you're no longer willing to accept the condition of your relationship and you want to make things better, please understand that there is strength in numbers. Meet with your pastor, have a coffee with a seasoned marriage veteran, get the support of your best friend. Get some people in your corner. Don't go it a lone!

If you feel like you need some coaching, drop a comment here. There are some solid guys that read this blog and can give you some great advice and resources. We're here to help.

Don't be the next marriage to go down.

Quality Time

One of the big things that I hit on in my writing about married men is that husbands and fathers need to be present and available to their wives and families. When my editor read a brief reference to this in one of my pieces she called me out. She stated that there is more to presence than just being around. Along with presences comes engagement - in other words, sitting on the couch watching baseball on sunday afternoon and consuming a 6-pack does not consistute being present.

My schedule is chaotic at best. Sunday evening we start prepping the family for the coming week. Every night of the week we have some sort of family or individual activity that requires a time committment and being away from home. As a family, it's not until Friday that we have a chance to collectively breath and spend some time together. Then, Saturday is busy again and we get another break on Sunday. This is how our lives are structured during the school year. Summers are a lot more relaxed and we have more opporunities to spend time together.

So let me ask you this - When do you get to spend quality time with your wife and/or family? How do you spend that time together? And how do you manage when life gets busy and you don't have the time to spend with your spouse the way you'd like to?

If you have time, leave a comment. Thanks for sharing.

The Lonely Ranger

Most psych people will tell you that a man's self esteem is mainly tied to his job. When we as men have a great job, good pay, and the respect of our peers, life is good. But what about those times when we macho men and our jobs aren't so well? What happens when the job leaves us? Where do we get our sense of self then? Our strength of character leaves us. We become vulnerable and unsure. For most men, vulnerability and uncertainty equate to inadequacy and feelings of weakness. I know it does for me.

I live in Michigan where the economy is terrible and jobs are lost by the dozens. Men are out of work and scrambling to do anything they can to produce income. If you're in a crappy job or a situation where you have no work and are struggling to find a job, I 'd like you to consider something. Consider that your worth as a man may be seen elsewhere. Instead of looking at your paycheck to measure your weight as a man, look to a community of men.

No man is an island and I don't believe we were created to be lone wolves. In today's popular culture Hollywood and the advertising people would like us to believe that real men don't cry and are rock solid in the face of crisis. The lifestyles of both men and women in today's culture approach insane levels of required energy and committment of time - and that is when things are going well. When the proverbial monkey wrench is thrown into the mix it can send any person, man or woman - husband or wife - mom or dad - into fits.

I would like you to consider that in order for us as men to be effective leaders of our families (in good times or in bad times) we need to draw on the collective strength of each other. I can tell you from my experiences that I could not have made it to where I am today without key men in my life that have surrounded me with love and encouragement and helped me through the difficult times. If I were on my own Iwouldn't be here writing this post.

Are you alone, overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, pissed off, or defeated? If you said yes to any one of these I encourage you to find another man, or a group of men, and share what you're going through. Just be careful who you choose to share with. A bar tender, bowling league guy, or your wife's best friend are probably not wise choices. Choose someone who will encourage you to walk a good path. This isn't always easy to do. If you can't find anyone, share here. There are men here that will encourage you through this blog.

Regardless of who or where you share your struggles in life, don't make the decision to go it alone. By making that choice you set yourself up for failure. Plug in to a community of men and draw on the strength of the collective. Restore your sense of self worth by accepting the encouragement of another male. Then face the world ready to do battle knowing you're part of the army and not the Lone Ranger.