Bert: One of the reasons why I chose you for this interview is because you have a number of credentials and accolades that go along with family values and marriages. You probably have just as many credentials in terms of marriage and family as you do in your political life. That’s why I look to you to interview today – to get your thoughts on some things and publish that on my blog for other people to see as well.
You and I, when we both got married, stood up in front of a church full of people and we said “for better or for worse”, “in sickness and in health”, and “for richer or for poorer”. And at that time we were all about the “better”, the “richer”, and the “in health” but we didn’t give a whole lot of consideration for the “worse”, the “poorer”, or the “in sickness” part of it. What I’d like to start out with is this – what has happened in your marriage that you wish someone would have prepared you for?
Mr. Hardiman: Well, I think in my marriage I don’t know that I was very well prepared to be married when I got married. And – this is my second marriage – my beautiful wife Clova and I just celebrated 35 years of marriage.
Bert: Congratulations.
Mr. Hardiman: Thank you. We have a wonderful, wonderful relationship – something I never knew existed. I’m in a place I never knew existed. But it wasn’t easy getting here. My parents separated when I was fourteen years old because of some things that were going on in the home. Maybe they shouldn’t have been together in that atmosphere or situation as long as they were. But they separated.
I hate divorce. I do – I hate it. I don’t hate the people that get divorced – I hate divorce because it breaks up something that should be sacred. So, I didn’t have the kind of role model that I should have to show me how to be a husband and a father. And when I got married the first time I just didn’t know what I was doing. I just didn’t know – I’m not making an excuse – but that ended after three and a half years in divorce. I had a son after that – out of wedlock. And then Clova and I married.
There are struggles that come with having a kid who’s not in the home. I experienced that along with my lack of knowledge of how to be a good husband and father. I thought that as long as I was making some money, bringing it home, and doing some things around the house, that was enough. But, I wasn’t paying much attention to my wife and her particular needs. And so our marriage was in trouble. I think once that happens there are temptations outside the marriage. It’s not that I fell into an adulterous situation – it wasn’t physical. When you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need at home you develop emotional attachments, which many times, eventually end up in physical attachments. So, not having gone to a physical level, I just realized that I was in a very difficult situation. On time Clova said, “I just don’t have any more feelings for you.” But I had been through one divorce and because of my faith background I didn’t believe in that and thought “I don’t want to do this again.” I remember thinking about this and praying about it. I used to go to the Big Lake sometimes – Grand Haven. I remember sitting out there watching a sunset. Coming back from that experience I remember sensing God’s presence – that He would be with me and would help me restore my marriage.
Then I pursued my wife. I pursued our relationship. For a while I wasn’t receiving a whole lot of help from her because of what she had felt she had been through. You see, both of us bring different experiences to the marriage. Sometimes that getting to know each other experience – sometimes that giving up of our own individual wants and really loving the other person for who they are – we know that’s the purpose. That’s hard to come to because our nature is selfish. As I pursued her and I thought about the fact that I had heard in a message that your wife is like a garden and the kind of seed you plant indicates the kind of fruit you’ll reap. I realized that I had not planted the best seed. The thing about seed is that you plant it and it takes a while for the seed to come up and bear fruit. It also multiplies. So, sometimes things would happen that were negative and I wondered, “Why this negative reaction?” Well, it had taken a while and it was multiplying. So I decided to start planting good seed. No matter what I was getting I would plant good seed. I began to listen to her and ask her how she was feeling about things. Sometimes when she would try to tell me that this happened and it was some years ago – “…this hurt me” or whatever, I would say, “Look, you have to get past this and look to the future.” Instead, I changed my ways. I said “Honey, tell me what you were feeling.” And I would think about it and talk to her about it. Sometimes I had to say “Look, I hurt you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” That began a healing process. Again, I was planting good seed. It took time.
If someone starts this process and figures “Well, in a couple of days it should be okay.” - or a few weeks, it probably won’t happen. I was committed to what I felt that the Lord was telling me – to restore my marriage – my former place at my wife’s side. He sustained me so that I could hang in there. After a while the good fruit started to come up and multiply. It is like casting your bread upon the water and after many days it will return. I was casting my crumbs on the water but I started to see some loaves coming back after many days. Again, it took a while but my wife and I have reached a place where I don’t think either one of us knew existed. She grew up in a home where her parents were separated. Her father was gone at a very early age. So perhaps she didn’t have a role model of healthy married parents. We both found something that is so real – so alive. I remember my daughter, at one time in her life said that she didn’t want to get married. We didn’t say anything but we knew why. Now, later on, she saw how God had restored our marriage and she appreciated that. Now she’s married and has a wonderful marriage.
I think we have to work hard to turn this thing around. I think mentoring - men mentoring men and women mentoring women - is so very important. It stops cycle of the breakdown of the family and turns it around into something positive so that kids can grow up seeing those kind of role models and they can have the same. Right now it’s going in the opposite direction and we have to turn it around.
So that’s what happened in my experience. Out of that I have a desire to help others and to help build community. That’s why, 11 years ago, we started what is Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids in an effort to strengthen marriages. We’ve asked pastors to commit to certain values and principles – some of these being chastity outside of the marriage relationship and pre-marital preparation. Again, I didn’t know how to have a good marriage but you can get a marriage license pretty easily. You have to get trained to learn how to drive. Hopefully, you get that training in the home, but a lot of folks aren’t doing that. So, premarital preparation – but also post – after the wedding takes place so that there is someone you can rely on and talk with – some counseling you can have to help build a strong marriage. We started that organization to provide some support to churches if they provide support to couples. I want to see more and more people find the place where my wife Clova and I have found.
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