Armchair Husband - Revisited

I was humbled yesterday - in a rather large way.  It got me thinking about the last post and how, at times, I get a little carried away without considering that things I write about are easier talked about than actually carried out.  So, let me tell you what happened to me yesterday - 

Anyone who knows me knows that I carry around a few extra pounds.   Most of the extra weight is right out in front of me and it gets in the way.   So, over the holidays I made a commitment to do something about it - throw some passes, as it were.  I dug out my wife's TaeBo video tapes and me and Billy Blanks went at it for a while.  If my workout yesterday were compared to just one pass play on a football field the pass didn't make it half way to the closest receiver - who was standing ten yards away and he was wide open.

I watched the Introduction to TaeBo video tape while I sat on the sofa and thought to myself, "I did rougher stuff than that in high school.  This will be cake!"   I rewound the tape and started over again, this time standing in the middle of the floor with my dukes up just like ol'  Billy and proceeded to remind me that high school was 20-some years ago.

How does this apply to being an armchair husband?  Like my last post, I got all fired up, made the commitment to change, and actually made a move to change.  Yet, once I made that move to change I suddenly realized that making this change is not going to be easy.    What's more, that was just one workout. Change doesn't happen as the result of one instance of motivation turned to action.   

Change comes with consistency over time.  With the TaeBo work out, I've done one in a row -  nothing has changed.  What's more - I really have no desire to do that again.  It's uncomfortable, it hurts, and it's generally unpleasant.  But if I don't nothing will change.  

How many of us men know what that's like?  How many of us are caught between settling for an undesirable situation and knowing that to change it is going to be uncomfortable, time consuming, and it will likely be emotionally draining.  Most times, settling for the undesirable is the choice we opt for because it's the path of least resistance.  

My friends, I really don't want you to settle.  I want your marriage to be as awesome as it can be.  I want you to be really happy with your wife and family.  The reality for most of us is that to move from where we are now to really happy is going to take some effort and we'll have endure some discomfort.  I believe it will be so much worth the effort and discomfort in the end!

I'm here to encourage you, to bounce ideas around with, and to listen to your frustrations.  What's more, if you are really struggling with something and need some help you can click on the button to the right and sign up for the 4BetterOr4Worse men's group on yahoo.  There are some very solid men there who can help you work through some stuff.  

A note to wives - I normally don't write to the ladies but I know a lot of you read here.  When you see your husband making an effort to change and make things better - please be encouraging - even if encouragement means not saying nothing.  Try to get behind your man and help him with the issue of consistency over time.  Don't do or say anything that will make him believe that settling for what he has now is the better option.  

Thanks for stopping by.  I'm off to do my Tae Bo Workout.

Arm-chair Husband?

If you've watched any football at all you've seen a quarterback through a pass a couple dozen times.  If you're a fan of one team or another you've seen it a couple hundred times.  As you sit intently watching your team march down field toward the end zone you see how the quarterback takes the snap and steps back in the pocket.  You see how he has to read the defense to know if the blitz is coming and how much time he has.  You see how he checks down his receivers from the wide receivers down to the tight ends just across the line.  Finally, he either makes a pass or decides to get a yard or two on his own.  You see this over and over in every game you watch.  

YOU KNOW HOW TO THROW A PASS!

Still, have you ever actually done it?

Maybe some of you have gotten out in the fall at the local park with your kids or a group of friends and tossed the pig skin around some.  But for many of us actually laying hands on a football, taking a snap, and trying to throw the ball to someone else a few feet away while maintaining some level of pride and dignity is something we've rarely (if ever) done.  

Those of us involved in marriages struggle with this at one time or another.  It's the task of getting off our dime and actually walking the talk.  Knowing what to do to make your marriage or a relationship with your kids better is one thing.  Actually taking the steps to make it happen is something completely different.  

Like the guys in the park who get out a toss the ball, I know guys who've gotten used to working on their marriages and are pretty good at it.  For me, at times, it's difficult to lace up the sneakers and get out there on the field.  I don't need to tell you that sitting in the barko-lounger and eating chips and chili dogs doesn't make for a healthy football fan anymore than being complacent makes for a healthy marriage.  

In the new year when you're thinking of all the things you'd like to have happen in the next twelve months - take some time to think about the really important relationships in your life.  Where do you want your marriage to go in 2009?  What do you want it to look like next  Christmas?  

The apostle John makes a very short statement in the Bible.  Short, concise, and laser sharp.  In John 13:17 he says; Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

My challenge to you this year is to give some thought to your important relationships - specifically your marriage.  Then actually DO something about them.  John says that you will be blessed if you do.  

From my experiences I can confirm that.  

Happy New Year from 4BetterOr4Worse!

Can You Hear Me Now?

One of the biggest issues I find in my travels with men (even in my own marriage) is communication.  The holidays are a time of year is when communication between husbands and wives can really get derailed.  The chaos of shopping, family commitments, gatherings, baby sitters, and holiday finances can put stress on any relationship.

A lot of that stress can be boiled down to communication - either lack of it or poor quality.  When the answer to "Can you hear me now?" appears to be a negative we tend to counter with "Okay - how about if I yell?!  Will that work better?  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"  (Just once I'd like to see a Verizon commercial where the guy asks "Can you hear me now?  Hello?   Hello?")  Sometimes couples can fall into a rut where they function more like room mates sharing the same living space instead of a union of two souls the way God intended us to be.  I've been guilty of that lately.  A recent "Can you hear me now?" session with my wife has given me clarity to my shortcomings.  

Here's a suggestion for improving the communication in your relationship.  Since the holidays are nearly by us, make this happen as soon as possible.  Make a date night with your wife - and make that time sacred in your planner or on your blackberry.  Make it as extravagant as you can or as simple as you have to.  An hour and $10 at Starbucks can be the perfect getaway and it gives you an hour to talk.  For a long time our date night was Thursday night.  We left the kids at home and got a bit to eat, shopped for groceries, and then had a coffee at Starbucks.  Fancy and romantic?  Not a bit.  But it did give us time to talk about issues with the kids and school, it let us vent to each other a little about work, and gave us time to just take a breath and keep connected.  

Now - two quick words of warning.  First, this is not intended to be a secret marriage improvement mission.  Don't do this on your own.  Share the vision with her - bring her in on the plan.  If she doesn't know what's going on your chances of success are much less.   Second, you might not see the intended benefits of "date night" right out of the box.  Like anything else, practice makes things better.  Time and consistency are the key to making this work.  

Merry Christmas to you and I sincerely hope that in the coming year you can say that your marriage is awesome.  

Finders Keepers

On Wednesday I was out killing time at the grocery store with my kids while we waited to pick up my wife.  We had pretty much picked off the list and were wandering around looking at different things when I looked down and saw some cash on the floor.  I considered diving on it like a linebacker trying to recover a fumble.  However, keeping my composure, I picked it up and looked around.  There was only one person standing anywhere close by - a  young kid no more that twenty years old.  I asked him if it was his and he answered no.  

Thirty five bucks.  That's gas money for almost a week - nearly a full tank of gas at $1.50-something a gallon.  Hmmmm.  What to do?  As I was shoving the money in my pocket my ten year old son looked at me and said "Dad, aren't you going to turn that in?"  I'm not sure if it was guilt or a bit of frustration at being caught by my son shoving someone else's money into my pocket.   "Lets find a store worker."  I said.  

In the nearby Ladies Department there were three employees having a water cooler chat of some kind.  I approached them, told them how I found the cash on the floor, and asked them what I should do with it.  They explained the store policy of putting my name and phone number on the wad of cash and that they would keep it for thirty days.  If the money was not claimed, after thirty days it was mine.  I thanked them for their assistance and we went on our way.  

Over in the produce section I stopped the cart and had a discussion with my two kids - one ten, the other fourteen.  My daughter acknowledged that we needed the money, but also, truthfully, stated that it simply was not our money.  My son maintained that we needed to turn it in.  While listening to both of them I was growing more and more angry over the hard time I was having over a lousy thirty five bucks.  We finally made the decision to turn the money in.  We checked out with our groceries and then made our way to the customer service desk as directed by the employees in the Ladies Department.  

We were there for no more than five minutes - all the while I had to resist the urge to put the cash back in my pocket and run out the door with it.  After all - finders keepers - right?  Still, it wasn't my money.  As she took my name and number and put the cash in an envelope I knew I'd  never see that money again.  

Did I do the right thing?  Maybe.  Did I teach my children a lesson against greed and in favor of responsibility?  Maybe.  In this case, responsibility didn't make my gas gauge move in a positive direction.  

The truth of the matter is that it wasn't MY money.  In reality, none of it is.  Even MY money isn't my money.  As a man - a leader of my family - I need to keep my eye on the ball.  Everything I have comes from God.  My house, my car, my kids, my groceries, the computer I use to write this blog - it all comes from God's provision.  What' s more, if everything I have comes from God, then everything I have should be used for God.  My house, car, kids, groceries, and my computer - I should be willing to put it all up for the work of God.  If a friend needs a place to stay he can use the house God gave me.  If someone needs a ride, I can give them a lift with the car God gave me.  If an elderly person needs some help, the kids God gave me can assist them.  Poor as I am, I have been blessed with a lot of food.  If I know someone needs it - I can make them a meal with the groceries God gave me.  You get the point.  

So, if the cash belongs to God, did I do the right thing?  Leave and comment and let me know what you think.  

Take Time to Think...

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and we're all scrambling around the house getting it ship-shape for the family to come for dinner tomorrow.  Before I dig in with both hands this morning I happen to be chatting on facebook with an old friend who is also unemployed and he told me that he just found another job.  He made the comment "Thanksgiving Indeed!"  I can tell he's really excited and I'm happy for him as well.  

I got to thinking that I should make some kind of post for the holiday, but nothing really jumps out at me to say.  I have always held that I want to write when I'm inspired to do so - not out of obligation or any timeline.   Still, as I consider the Thanksgiving holiday and all the memories I have of people and places something does float to the surface.  

Consider for a minute that God blesses us according to his master plan - not ours.  I got fired from a job at a software company despite my intense prayers that I would be able to continue to work there.  I've lost a girlfriend or two and groused about it for days despite my prayers to God to make THIS girl the one I spend the rest of my life with.  I've prayed hard for this, that, or the other thing to make my life complete or to help me accomplish something only to have the answer be "no" or "how about this instead".  

I can point out a lot of things that I would have liked to be thankful for if I had gotten them - but I didn't.  What's more, I could certainly be bitter and callous about not getting what I asked for.  When kids do that we call them spoiled or....worse.  I wonder if that's how God looks at me when he doesn't give me what I want, ask for, or in some cases, demand.  

Ironically, God has blessed me.  The job at the software company went away - true.  But it made me available for another job where I learned an incredible amount of knowledge about leading people.  I lost a couple of girlfriends - true.  But I'm blessed with a wife that is a wonderful woman in her own rite and teaches me many things.  So many things I've asked for from God and NOT gotten only to discover (sometimes years later) that God had something so much better in mind for me.  

So, this year, join me and Garth Brooks in being thankful for unanswered prayers - or prayers that weren't answered the way we expected or wanted them answered.  Thank God that he knows us better than we know ourselves.  

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Interview with MI State Senator Bill Hardiman - Introduction

Anyone who knows Bill Hardiman at all knows that he is less of a politician and more of an average Joe.  I first Met Mr Hardiman when he spoke at my church several years ago.  I knew nothing about him at the time and found him to be very genuine.  His wife, Clova, was also there when he spoke and he was not afraid to talk about the challenges that they faced in their married life.  Since that time I've met him in the grocery store a few times and also at the 4th of July celebration in the city where he was formerly mayor.  

Mr. Hardiman has a passion for marriages that is rooted in his own personal struggles and experiences much the same way my passion for married men has grown out of my struggles and experiences.  He and his wife founded an organization now called Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids,  he sits on the board of directors for the Dove Foundation, and he chairs the senate committee for Families and Human Services.  The accolades and credentials related to marriage and family nearly equal those of his political career.

It was a pleasure to sit with him over a coffee and talk about men and marriages.  I sat with him for about 40 minutes and talked with him about a number of topics.  An interview of 40 minutes transcribes into a lot of text on paper.  In an effort to make this as digestible as possible and easy to read, I've carved it up into three parts that are smaller and can easily be read in a short amount of time.   I'm posting all three at once, so you can come back anytime and read the entire interview at your own pace.  

I hope you enjoy this interview and I plan to do a few more of these in the coming months.

Thank you again for your support and feel free to tell me how you like this kind of content by leaving a comment.

Interview With Bill Hardiman - Part 1 (His Story)

Bert:    One of the reasons why I chose you for this interview is because you have a number of credentials and accolades that go along with family values and marriages.  You probably have just as many credentials in terms of marriage and family as you do in your political life.  That’s why I look to you to interview today – to get your thoughts on some things and publish that on my blog for other people to see as well.

 You and I, when we both got married, stood up in front of a church full of people and we said “for better or for worse”, “in sickness and in health”, and “for richer or for poorer”.  And at that time we were all about the “better”, the “richer”, and the “in health” but we didn’t give a whole lot of consideration for the “worse”, the “poorer”, or the “in sickness” part of it.  What I’d like to start out with is this – what has happened in your marriage that you wish someone would have prepared you for?

Mr. Hardiman:            Well, I think in my marriage I don’t know that I was very well prepared to be married when I got married.  And – this is my second marriage – my beautiful wife Clova and I just celebrated 35 years of marriage.

Bert:            Congratulations.

Mr. Hardiman:            Thank you.  We have a wonderful, wonderful relationship – something I never knew existed.  I’m in a place I never knew existed.  But it wasn’t easy getting here.  My parents separated when I was fourteen years old because of some things that were going on in the home.  Maybe they shouldn’t have been together in that atmosphere or situation as long as they were.   But they separated.

I hate divorce.  I do – I hate it.  I don’t hate the people that get divorced – I hate divorce because it breaks up something that should be sacred.  So, I didn’t have the kind of role model that I should have to show me how to be a husband and a father.  And when I got married the first time I just didn’t know what I was doing.  I just didn’t know – I’m not making an excuse – but that ended after three and a half years in divorce.   I had a son after that – out of wedlock.  And then Clova and I married. 

There are struggles that come with having a kid who’s not in the home.  I experienced that along with my lack of knowledge of how to be a good husband and father.  I thought that as long as I was making some money, bringing it home, and doing some things around the house, that was enough.  But, I wasn’t paying much attention to my wife and her particular needs.  And so our marriage was in trouble.  I think once that happens there are temptations outside the marriage.  It’s not that I fell into an adulterous situation – it wasn’t physical.  When you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need at home you develop emotional attachments, which many times, eventually end up in physical attachments.   So, not having gone to a physical level, I just realized that I was in a very difficult situation. On time Clova said,  “I just don’t have any more feelings for you.”   But I had been through one divorce and because of my faith background I didn’t believe in that and thought “I don’t want to do this again.”  I remember thinking about this and praying about it.   I used to go to the Big Lake sometimes – Grand Haven.  I remember sitting out there watching a sunset.  Coming back from that experience I remember sensing God’s presence – that He would be with me and would help me restore my marriage. 

Then I pursued my wife.  I pursued our relationship.  For a while I wasn’t receiving a whole lot of help from her because of what she had felt she had been through.  You see, both of us bring different experiences to the marriage.  Sometimes that getting to know each other experience – sometimes that giving up of our own individual wants and really loving the other person for who they are – we know that’s the purpose.  That’s hard to come to because our nature is selfish.  As I pursued her and I thought about the fact that I had heard in a message that your wife is like a garden and the kind of seed you plant indicates the kind of fruit you’ll reap.  I realized that I had not planted the best seed.  The thing about seed is that you plant it and it takes a while for the seed to come up and bear fruit.  It also multiplies.  So, sometimes things would happen that were negative and I wondered, “Why this negative reaction?”  Well, it had taken a while and it was multiplying.  So I decided to start planting good seed.  No matter what I was getting I would plant good seed.  I began to listen to her and ask her how she was feeling about things.  Sometimes when she would try to tell me that this happened and it was some years ago – “…this hurt me” or whatever, I would say, “Look, you have to get past this and look to the future.”  Instead, I changed my ways.  I said “Honey, tell me what you were feeling.” And I would think about it and talk to her about it.  Sometimes I had to say “Look, I hurt you.  I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me.”  That began a healing process. Again, I was planting good seed.   It took time. 

If someone starts this process and figures “Well, in a couple of days it should be okay.”  - or a few weeks, it probably won’t happen.  I was committed to what I felt that the Lord was telling me – to restore my marriage – my former place at my wife’s side.  He sustained me so that I could hang in there.  After a while the good fruit started to come up and multiply.  It is like casting your bread upon the water and after many days it will return.   I was casting my crumbs on the water but I started to see some loaves coming back after many days.  Again, it took a while but my wife and I have reached a place where I don’t think either one of us knew existed.  She grew up in a home where her parents were separated.  Her father was gone at a very early age.  So perhaps she didn’t have a role model of healthy married parents.  We both found something that is so real – so alive.  I remember my daughter, at one time in her life said that she didn’t want to get married.  We didn’t say anything but we knew why.  Now, later on, she saw how God had restored our marriage and she appreciated that.  Now she’s married and has a wonderful marriage.  

I think we have to work hard to turn this thing around.   I think mentoring - men mentoring men and women mentoring women  - is so very important.  It stops cycle of the breakdown of the family and turns it around into something positive so that kids can grow up seeing those kind of role models and they can have the same.  Right now it’s going in the opposite direction and we have to turn it around. 

So that’s what happened in my experience.   Out of that I have a desire to help others and to help build community.  That’s why, 11 years ago, we started what is Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids in an effort to strengthen marriages.  We’ve asked pastors to commit to certain values and principles – some of these being chastity outside of the marriage relationship and pre-marital preparation.  Again, I didn’t know how to have a good marriage but you can get a marriage license pretty easily.  You have to get trained to learn how to drive.  Hopefully, you get that training in the home, but a lot of folks aren’t doing that.  So, premarital preparation – but also post – after the wedding takes place so that there is someone you can rely on and talk with – some counseling you can have to help build a strong marriage.  We started that organization to provide some support to churches if they provide support to couples.   I want to see more and more people find the place where my wife Clova and I have found.

Interview With Bill Hardiman - Part 2 (Pornography)

Bert:    Let’s talk a little bit about pornography.   That seems to be a very damaging thing for men and marriages.  Pornography is a huge industry in the United States and abroad.  In the economics of supply and demand, I feel that the way we have the most effective impact on pornography is to try to work with men and eliminate the demand for it as opposed to regulate the supply of it.   Would you agree with that?

Mr. Hardiman:            Yes, I do.  There is freedom of speech, so these materials are available. Sometimes even boys get into it and can’t handle it.  Actually, men can’t handle it either but they think they can.  Some people say that “Well, this just helps me get ready to be with my wife”.  That’s a horrible thing to say - that you have to have that to get ready to do your husbandly duty – something that God calls you to do.  Pornography is insidious.  I think it starts out in ways that one might think are not that bad.   But it’s addictive.  

When I was mayor of Kentwood we closed down a few massage parlors that were selling more than massages.  I got a call one day in my office.  The gentleman asked why we closed down some massage parlors and not others.  I answered that it was because we didn’t have the information – the “goods” on them.  He said, “Well, it’s been a while – maybe a year.  But I’ve been through every woman in the place”.  As we continued to talk I said, “Well, if I can get you in touch with our chief of police we’d be happy to get that information in order to do what we can because it’s illegal.  As he talked he said “Well, six months ago…” and as we continued he said “A couple of weeks ago…” Pretty soon I knew that this guy was addicted and he was crying out for help because he couldn’t stop.  

Now, obviously that’s sexual activity.  Pornography is the same kind of thing.  It’s lust.  It’s the kind of thing that’s like fire.  It’s never put out.  Once you get into that even normal behaviors are involved – so someone is trying to get into something abnormal just because that fire is still burning and will burn everything in sight.  I think the best thing to do is not get involved.   The Bible speaks about not putting any vile thing before one’s eyes.  I try not to do that.  There are certain movies I won’t watch.  There are certain things on TV I will turn off because I don’t want that damaging my spirit and effecting my mind so that I can’t do what I need to do.  Lust is the kind of thing that one has to work at it, clear it out, and defeat it.  I’ve had to deal with that in my own life – not pornography specifically – but lust.  I think many men have.  I think it needs a partnership too.  That’s another place where accountability partners are good – where you can share your weaknesses with another man.  I’ve said that, in some situations where I have a weakness, you’re my brother and I trust you.  I know you care about me.  You have a right to ask me anytime how I’m doing in this area.  That brings about accountability. Most folks who really want to do pornography or some other sin don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want someone else being in their stuff as it were.  I think that putting a light on it is very important.  I think stemming the demand is very important.  Now, someone who is trapped there is going to need help.  Sometimes it takes counseling, certainly prayer, and accountability to break a very harmful habit like pornography.  But I think it’s necessary and we ought to be about working on that.

Interview With Bill Hardiman - Part 3 (The rest)

Bert:    You mentioned a number of interesting things – one of which is leading by example.  I agree that this is so very important.  I have a ten-year-old son.  I try to live my life because I know he’s watching me and what I’m doing.  To model that I think is very important.  You mentioned that things are going in the wrong direction and that we have to turn it around.  Talk to me about men raising boys to be men and how important that is to you and how it will help turn the marriage situation around.

Mr. Hardiman:            I think it’s absolutely critical.  I’ve been involved in a situation where I met with a young man for several years now – just mentoring and talking about issues of life.  I think, at some point in time, marriage will be one of those big issues.   Again, hopefully, a young man or boy will see his parents and learn so much of the positive ways to live in a marriage relationship.  But that doesn’t always happen.  We all make mistakes.  I’m not saying that it’s a perfect situation in every home.  It’s not perfect.  It’s imperfect.  But, especially those who follow biblical principles should be pursuing that healthy relationship all the time and acknowledging when we fall short because sometimes kids learn from our mistakes.  Kids are pretty bright.  Sometimes we think we can hide things from them or we just won’t mention it so they won’t get the “wrong impression”.  They do see when things go wrong.  They do pick up the wrong impression.  There are young men who grow up to be violent because they saw violence in the home.  That’s wrong.  We need to not only model the right behavior but also admit that “I was wrong in that situation.”  But I think that’s very critical.  Something else that I think is very critical – because so many are brought up outside of those healthy married family relationships – we need to be mentoring even others.  Perhaps through church and other organizations or just people seeing us live our daily lives.  People are watching us all the time and we don’t even know they’re watching us.  We need to be mindful of that. 

The last thing I want to see is people who are not very good at being positive role models go out and try to tell someone else what to do.   I see this all the time.   I’ve seen people who’ve been through several divorces “Here’s how you need to handle that…” Well, wait a minute. They think that because they’ve failed so many time that now they know the right way to go.  That may not be it.  I’m not saying that people don’t make mistakes – they do.  But as we grow and based on biblical principles – I think that is key – if we can help mentor those who perhaps are and those who are not in those very positive relationships we can turn this thing around.  Otherwise we’re in big trouble as a community, as a state, and as a country.

Bert:    You talk about mentoring.  Women, more than men, are prone to talk amongst themselves.  They view discussion as therapeutic.  Men, on the other hand, tend not to talk about issues that they have and challenges that they face.  They tend to more internally bear those things without discussion.  That’s always been a challenge to mentoring men.  How do you think we get by some of those challenges and have an effective impact with young married men?

Mr. Hardiman:            Well, I think by building real relationships.   As I said, I’ve been meeting with someone for well over twenty years.  There are different men I meet with.  There are accountability partners as well.  That helps me to stay on the right track.   These are people that I trust.  They’re not people that I’ve just met.  I may have someone want to sit down and talk about different situations and maybe I shouldn’t trust that individual because I don’t know them.  They’ve not proven to me that they’re worthy of my trust.  I’m talking about strong relationships that I know care about me and want to see me do well based in God’s word.  

One has to be careful.  I heard of some advice that was given by a pastor – I just couldn’t believe it!  To me it’s not really wisdom and common sense let alone biblically based.   So, I think one has to be careful.  But typically in church situations – many churches have small groups where you get to know a person first and you get to know and trust that person.   It takes some time.  It also takes a person who will provide Godly wisdom and Godly advice.  That’s the kind of relationship I’m talking about.   Obviously, in a home situation you have a father/son situation and that’s great.  But you know, father/daughter relationships exist as well.  We had a daughter in our home.   I used to have dates with her once a week.  We would go out and when she was younger we would do different things like bowling and what not.   When she was older we’d have dinner and talk about things.  There is a place in a daughter’s heart for a true father.  That’s important even when she grew older.  When my son-in-law came into the picture – before they were married – we started to have times when would meet and sit and talk.  That’s important as well.  We got to know each other and share some things that I knew were and supported him.  So, there are a variety of ways to build that relationship.  But I think certainly through the church, small groups, getting to know people – also programs set up where there are those who volunteer to be mentors.  There needs to be oversight so that the wrong kind of information isn’t transmitted because that can be very damaging to a marriage.

Bert:    You talked about television and some of the TV shows that you wouldn’t watch.  I happen to agree that there are some television shows, even in the early hours of the evening, that even Christian adults should not be watching let alone children.  Hollywood and the media have put forward this image of a man that is what I call the bumbling idiot.  The Ray Ramanos and a lot of the sitcoms about married couples where the men are made to look very foolish and unintelligent.  In your opinion, is that damaging to men and marriages in this society?

Mr. Hardiman:            Sure.  I think sometimes the pendulum swings way too far one way or the other.  I like some of the old TV shows and movies where the man was wise and the women didn’t know as much.  That was probably not accurate as well.  Now, more recently it has swung so that man was an idiot and always needed not only the woman to rescue him but sometimes even the kids to rescue him from being the idiot.  Certainly, I think that’s gone way too far.  But I think we need to base our image of family life on Biblical principles.  I think it’s something that’s much more stable.  In our home my wife is a wonderful partner and I’m a partner with her.   The Bible talks about being submissive to each other, to counsel each other, to talk to each other, as we move forward together.  Yes, there are certain decisions that have to be made at a point.  But to run off and be macho and make those without talking to one’s spouse on things that significantly effect the whole family – that’s not living together and instructing each other, and loving each other.  Many times we will say “Let’s pray about an issue”.  We’ll pray together and let the Lord speak to our hearts and get a sense so that we move together. I think it takes being together and spending time with Him as well.  Yes, I think we’re in trouble when we take our image of what family should be from TV or media.  I don’t trust them.  The writers are going to share what’s popular for the time – It’s a ridiculous standard to live by.  Look at it this way – what makes you think that Hollywood, with all of its family breakdown and divorce, is capable of producing a strong healthy standard for families?  What in the world would make someone think that?   I’m not picking on everyone who lives in Hollywood.  Paul Newman just passed away.  He loved his wife for years.  He was seen as one of the best looking guys but he stuck to that relationship.  So, I’m not putting down everyone in Hollywood.  But certainly they’re examples of the ridiculous and silliness.  We know that it’s not the standard we ought to have.  It ought to be based on something that is truth and has lasted throughout the years – and that’s the Word of God.

Bert:    You talked about pursuing your wife.  That runs parallel to something that is very important to me.  You and your wife did an article for Ladies Home Journal a while back.  In that article you said that you saw her anger as a method of protecting her vulnerable side.  Having recognized that, you decided to pursue her and try to break down those anger barriers by cherishing her. 

One of my things is that the role of a husband should be to provide for and to protect his wife and his family.  We live in a day when, going back to Hollywood role models, strong men are looked down upon and frowned upon.  As a society, we’ve traded that in for this metro-sexual male who is more sensitive and more tolerant of things.   The role models that I grew up with were John Wayne, Jack Palance, and the Marlboro Man.  Obviously, from what you told me it is important to you to pursue your wife and getting to know her – to protect that vulnerable side of her so that she can express that.  Talk to me more about that in terms of providing for and protecting your wife and how that has helped your marriage. 

Mr. Hardiman:            As I said, I don’t think we can count on Hollywood to provide the right role model for a family or for a man.  The strong male that sometimes Hollywood puts forth is also the kind that is like “I’m gonna do what I want to do” or he may smack a woman around.  On the other hand we have the one that is nothing but sensitivity – sensitivity is good – but it’s too much.  When I talk about pursuing my wife I’m mean pursuing her love and finding out more about her – about what she is.  I remember, even at a time when it seemed to be the most unlikely thing – finding out about my wife that there was this delicate side.  Delicate was the word.  I thought “delicate?  That doesn’t seem right”.  But she is.  There’s a delicate side of vulnerability.  There may be anger to protect but it is delicate.  But if she knows that I’m protecting her she can relax a bit.  And she protects me too.  So, we protect each other.  Quite frankly, there’s nothing like knowing that you’ve got someone with this kind of relationship.  Like the kids say – you got each other’s back.  That took taking time to listen to what she’s saying.  And that means really listening – not just sitting there – but actively listening.

I’m in politics.  As you know there are sometimes debates on issues that are important.  When my wife and I would have a debate my energy was on winning the discussion.  She said something to me one time that really hit me like a two-by-four.  She said, “You’ll do something if you believe it’s right or if you can prove that it’s right.  Or maybe you won’t do something if you can prove that it’s wrong.   I’ll refrain from doing something if I know that it hurts you.”  When she said that it was plain to me that this was a higher level of love that she was expressing.  There are many insights that she is able to give so it’s a blessing to be able to listen to her more and not just thinking I’m right because I might be able to win an argument.  It’s actually finding out those things that she wants and desires – even the simple things, like “what do you like to do?” 

There is a book out called the 5 Love Languages.  Excellent book.  The concept is that we all have a love tank that needs to be filled up every day.  If a person wants to express love to his wife, what that person typically will do is to express that love in the way that they think that person wants based on their own needs.   In this book, it speaks of 5 languages of love – physical touch, quality time, giving of gifts, acts of service, and encouraging words.  For me, physical touch and encouraging words are at the top of my list and that’s what really feeds me.  You get a little from all of those but some are much stronger.   So, I’ll want to give my wife encouraging words or physical touch.   But for her, it’s acts of service and quality time.  This is all talking about pursuing or getting to know your mate.   Here’s an example.  I might come home after a days work and she’s in the kitchen fixing something.   I will walk up, wanting to interrupt her for a nice hug or something like that.  I notice that she’ll give me a little hug but her arms are still moving – she’s still concentrating on what she’s making because she’s about doing an act of service.  I’m thinking,  “Well, wait a minute.  I feel a little rejected!”  When we found out that we had those different top priority needs as far as love languages – now she’ll give me those encouraging words.   She’ll send notes with me to work.  If I’m going on a trip I’ll open up my briefcase – I love those!  I save them because they mean so much to me.   I will do something very simple for her that means so much.  I can get her coffee in the morning.  It’s an act of service.  So what really does it for her?  That’s pursuing your wife to find out what really makes her tick – what can you do that will be a blessing to her and not just give her what you want.    That’s part of that pursuit – really looking at your wife.   

There was a time when Clova wouldn’t talk so much about things.   She felt like I wouldn’t listen or that I would argue it away.  Now I stop.  Even if I don’t necessarily agree, I’ll stop, I’ll listen, I’ll say, “Let me think about that.” Because I’m receiving the message from her, she feels more secure.   That has opened up almost a whole new world.  I hear her laugh sometimes when, in the past, it was rare that she laughed.  Now I hear her laugh coming down the hallway.  It just does my heart good.  I hear her joking.  She was a very serious person when we first got married – she just couldn’t joke.  She’s so witty – things have opened up and I think she’s a more fulfilled person because of it.   Certainly I am.  Now she’s the best friend I have on this earth.  She’s my soul mate.  She’s my playmate.  She has my back and I’ve got hers.  Together, we’re pursuing a closer relationship with God and with each other.  We’re in a place that, when we first got married, I never knew existed.   So, when I say pursuing her it’s not a demanding way and it’s not a short-term thing.  It’s a lifetime of getting to know her better.  I call it mining for riches.  There’s a depth of riches within her that I continue to mine.  I think I’ll be doing that until I leave this earth.  

Basic Training - Part Four: Victory!

Welcome to the fourth and final post dealing with the basics of Christianity and how God created us as human beings.  This information is the basis of the Christian faith and the foundation that a Christian marriage is based on.  These are concepts that are taken directly from the Bible.  The material and diagrams are produced by the Association of Exchanged Life Ministries (www.aelm.org).

There are diagrams to the right of the post that go along with the information.  If they seem small on your monitor feel free to right click on them and download. them to your computer.  This is NOT copyrighted material.  Each post will remain here for a week with the respective diagrams.  At the beginning of a new week, a new post will appear with the new diagrams.  The previous post will of course be beneath the new post, but the diagrams for the previous week will be gone.

Again, because this is a blog specifically focused on men - men will be specifically referred to.  Yet the information here applies equally to both men and women.

Part Four – Victorious Living.

I just want to take a moment and thank my wife, Jann for helping me put together and condense the exchanged life material into these four small posts.  She’s been a great help to me.

In the first post we talked about how God created us in three parts – body, soul, and spirit.  We looked at what happens when we’re dead to sin and, because He loved us so much, he offered us the gift of grace, which is the exchange of our dead, sinful spirit for his Holy Spirit.  In the second post we talked about how grace makes it so that we no longer have to be concerned with living our lives perfectly in order to achieve salvation.  We are free to choose NOT to sin because we are no longer slaves to sin.  The third post talks about our new identity in Jesus Christ and how it is Him who lives in and through us.   Yet, we still have to make the choice to follow him or to follow our own way. 

This week I want to close out this series by celebrating this victory over sin.  I’m going to do this by walking through some Bible verses that show how great this victory is.  Again, our victory is complete through Jesus Christ who died on the cross.  He took us with him spiritually on the cross, to hell, and back again through resurrection and has us spiritually seated with him in heaven.  It’s over.  It’s done.  You’re salvation is complete and there’s nothing you need to do but have a ball with it!

Let’s look at some things:

In Romans 8:36-39 the apostle Paul spells things out pretty clearly:

As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

How great is it to know that nothing can separate us from the God who loves us?!

In Romans again, Paul explains our freedom from slavery to sin:

Romans 6:16-18

Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

When you live under grace the Holy Spirit inside you directly effects the three parts of your soul – you mind, will, and emotions. 

In Romans 15:18 Paul talks about how realizing this victory changes the way you think (your mind). 

I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the Gentiles to obey God by what I have said and done.

It also changes what you want to do (your will).

Romans 13:14

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Remember -  you are free from sin and have the ability to choose.

Victory under the grace system also brings peace (emotions).

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Ephesians 3:20, 21 shows us the effect we can have on our corner of the world. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

Phil 4:19 assures us that God is all we need for anything in our lives.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

In the following verses the Bible confirms that God lives inside us and we have His power through the Holy Spirit.

I Corinthians 2:16

For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?"  But we have the mind of Christ.

Phil 4:13

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

This is the fabulous message of salvation that empowers us to be not only Christian men, but also husbands and fathers living under God’s grace.  Under the grace system we have the opportunity to do wonderful things in the relationships with our spouses and families.  The content of these four posts is the foundation of any information you read here. 

With out God’s gift of salvation through grace anything you would read here would be simply my opinion based on my efforts to be as good as I can be according to the old law of right and wrong.  Because of the Grace of God, I’m able to be used by him, for Him to speak to you through me, and I receive a blessing for it. 

This is not the gospel according to some guy.  This is God speaking to you through me.  If it ever becomes anything else it’s time to shut down this blog (go back and look at Romans 15:18).

Thanks for your time.

Basic Training - Part Three: Believer's Identity

Welcome to the third post dealing with the basics of Christianity and how God created us as human beings.  This information is the basis of the Christian faith and the foundation that a Christian marriage is based on.  These are concepts that are taken directly from the Bible.  The material and diagrams are produced by the Association of Exchanged Life Ministries (www.aelm.org).

There are diagrams to the right of the post that go along with the information.  If they seem small on your monitor feel free to right click on them and download. them to your computer.  This is NOT copyrighted material.  Each post will remain here for a week with the respective diagrams.  At the beginning of a new week, a new post will appear with the new diagrams.  The previous post will of course be beneath the new post, but the diagrams for the previous week will be gone.

Again, because this is a blog specifically focused on men - men will be specifically referred to.  Yet the information here applies equally to both men and women.

Part Three - Believer's Identity

First, we need to establish and recognize that we have a different identity as a Christian living under Grace.  Your new identity is in Jesus Christ.

Romans 6:3-5 says this:

"or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ jesus were baptized into his death?  We were there fore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.  If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection."

Figure 1 shows how our old sinful dead spirit was crucified with him, spiritually we went to hell with him, and spiritually we are raised up and sit in heaven with him now.

Here are some facts about a believer's identity in Jesus Christ (Taken from Romans 5:1-11):

• We have peace in our new identity.
• We are completely acceptable to God 
• We are dead to sin and alive to God.  We can choose NOT to sin.
• We died to our old "family tree" an Adam (sinful man).  We are now alive in Christ's family tree.
• Jesus Christ is all you need for any situation. (2 Peter 1:3) You can rest and have peace in this.  

A review of Figure 2 reminds us that there is a constant struggle between our inherently human sinful desires (dark circle with the F) and the Spirit.  This struggle exists because God gave us a choice to follow him or to handle things on our own.  We have to choose to listen to the Spirit and follow God.  

Check this out:

Romans 6: 12-14

"Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.  Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life, and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.  For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."

We must constantly be aware of this struggle and consciously choose not to sin.  We have the ability to do this because we have the Spirit inside us and we live by Grace - not by law.  

Living by the Spirit means that we give God access to our lives to let him work in and through us.  Giving access means having a relationship with God.  In every day life this means pursuing a relationship with him much like you pursue a relationship with your spouse.  It means have a conscious dependence on God for everything in your life.  It means communicating with God through prayer and Bible reading.  Figure 3 shows the Selfer's Prayer.  This puts it all in perspective and gives you a good idea of where Spirit life under Grace starts.  

While sin keeps us distant from God through guilt and fear, Grace creates intimacy with God.  This intimacy is what he really wants from us more than anything.  

I am personally convinced that this submission, this dying to self, this crucifying of pride (see Philippians 2:1-8) is crucial to our joy.  We think of denying self as somber, grim-faced business when it is in truth a prelude to dancing.  if you want power, learn to e assertive.  If you want joy, learn to be submissive.  

The reason our death (to self) increased the joy level all around is that it also increases the love level all around.  Only when we die to self  can we fully love one another.  Self is a devilish creature, demanding all our energy. wanting our constant attention, reaching even into our pocketbooks for favors.  how can we be attuned to another's spirit when self is making so much noise?  How can we ever hope to love another when self screams for our constant care?  When self is alive and well, if offers us an all-or-nothing proposition.  We either pacify self, or we crucify it.

- Judson Edwards

Basic Training - Part Two: Law and Grace

Welcome to the second post dealing with the basics of Christianity and how God created us as human beings.  This information is the basis of the Christian faith and the foundation that a Christian marriage is based on.  These are concepts that are taken directly from the Bible.  The material and diagrams are produced by the Association of Exchanged Life Ministries (www.aelm.org).

There are diagrams to the right of the post that go along with the information.  If they seem small on your monitor feel free to right click on them and download them to your computer.  This is NOT copyrighted material.  Each post will remain here for a week with the respective diagrams.  At the beginning of a new week, a new post will appear with new diagrams.  The previous post will of course be beneath the new post, but the diagrams for the previous post will be gone.  

Again, because this is a blog specifically focused on men - men will be specifically referred to.  Yet the information here applies equally to both men and women.  

Part Two - Grace and Law.

Okay.  So now you're sitting in your big comfy chair.  It's Sunday afternoon.  You're watching the big game on the big screen with a cold drink, a ham sandwich, and your gift of Grace.

Now what?  I don't have to worry about sinning anymore?  What does that mean?  I don't have to be ashamed of having too many beers on Saturday at the game?  I can vent my road rage and not worry about it?  Am I free to pursue my golf game regardless of how much time it takes and how much my wife complains about it?  Can I do anything I want?

Technically, yes.  You have salvation in Jesus Christ and you have the Holy Spirit inside you.  You can't lose your salvation.  Still, God didn't choose to have his only son sacrifice himself on the cross so you can get drunk, curse other motorists, and neglect your family.  

Let's look at some basics.

LAW is defined as the system of performance (or behavior) which God set up to bless those who fulfill its requirements and to curse those who do not.  It's based on the 10 commandments. 

Dueteronomy 28:1 says If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow al his command I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth.

This is an achievement based system.  All non-Christians operate under this set of standards (Actually, some Christians still operate under this set of standards when, in reality, they don't have to).  This is the system of thou shalts and thou shalt nots.  If you can do everything right, you gain acceptance - maybe even eternal life.  

Here's the problem - you can't.  There's no way you can reach perfection on your own.  To grab a phrase from my childhood - you're dead meat.  As a result we tend to get on this treadmill of the law shown in Figure 1.  We try, fail, confess our sins, receive forgiveness, and try again.  This will make you crazy!  You see, the system based on the law makes you religious, but it keeps the Holy Spirit inside you pressed down and makes you ineffective as a Christian.  

This is how the Jews in the New Testament were messed up.  Everything was done in order to show others how closely they followed the law.  They were deeply religious people but they had no relationship with Jesus Christ.  In fact, they murdered him.  They were self-righteous - that is trying to be righteous by their own power.  

It was this deeply chilling and self-righteous religion that caused God to send his Son to die for us.  Let's apply that to you and me.  If we try to gain acceptance based on our performance measured against the law of right and wrong a number of character traits are going to float to the top.   

• We won't be able to handle rejection or criticism
• We won't be free to fail and to learn from our mistakes.
• We'll be defensive and poor listeners.
• We'll be prideful - happy when someone else fails because it lifts up our standing.
• At the same time we'll have low self-esteem because we know the reality of our failures.
• We'll never be at peace with  ourselves.
• We'll constantly find fault with others and be very judgmental.
• We'll be very afraid of God.  Our relationship with him will be out of fear of punishment for the wrong we've done. God will be distant and cold because we avoid him out of fear. 

This is so NOT what God wants for us.  God loves us and wants a close personal relationship with each of us.  To accomplish that, he did something radical and new.  

Consider this:

Hebrews 7:18, 19  The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God.

Hebrews 8:13  By calling this covenant "new" He has made the first one obsolete., and what is obsolete and aging will soon disappear.  

Galatians 3:21  Is the law therefore opposed to the promises of God?  Absolutely not!  For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law.

When you read that last verse from Galatians you see that simply knowing the difference between right and wrong and banging your head on the wall to do good things doesn't make you alive in the Spirit (Review the diagram in Figure 2).  

GRACE is defined as the system of faith (trust, dependence) which God set up to Bless those who are in Christ only because they are in Christ.  

Grace is given as a gift - just because you believe - nothing more.  It's not based on your performance against the law of right and wrong.  It's receiving - not achieving.  Any Christian who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior (born again) can receive this gift.  

I know you're thinking "Whoa man!  There's got to be more to it than that."   Well, yes, there is.  Jesus Christ came to earth, was put to death by the Jews, and was brought back to life again by God.  When this happened, Jesus Christ made everything you do right for God.  He justified you in the eyes of God.  As a Christian are you going to live from this point forward never sinning again?  No.  It's impossible for you to live a sin-less life.  But through the lens of Grace through Jesus Christ, you are perfect to God.  

Look at this:

Matthew 5:17  Do you think that I have come to abolish the law or the Prophets:  I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.  

II Corinthians 5:21  God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.  

God had Jesus Christ, his son, die for us so that we could be perfect for God.  This is so amazing that someone wrote a song about it!  

This is the basics of God's Grace through Jesus Christ.  This is what it means to be saved.  The logical next step for this is how do live this in an every day kind of way.   How do I identify myself with Grace?  I hate to leave you hanging, but that is what's on tap for next week.  

Stay tuned!

Basic Training - Part One: Three Part Man

Welcome to the first of 4 posts dealing with the basics of Christianity and how God created us as human beings.  This information is the basis of the Christian faith and the foundation that a Christian marriage is based on.  These are concepts that are taken directly from the Bible.  The material and diagrams are produced by the Association of Exchanged Life Ministries (www.aelm.org).

There are diagrams to the right of the post that go along with the information.  If they seem small on your monitor feel free to right click on them and download them to your computer.  This is NOT copyrighted material.  Each post will remain here for a week with the respective diagrams.  At the beginning of a new week, a new post will appear with new diagrams.  The previous post will of course be beneath the new post, but the diagrams for the previous post will be gone.  

Again, because this is a blog specifically focused on men - men will be specifically referred to.  Yet the information here applies equally to both men and women.  

Part One - The Three Part Man.

God created human beings.  A man is essentially a spirit, who has a soul, and lives in a body.  Figure 1 shows the diagram of a 3-part man.  The Bible specifies this in I Thessalonians 5:23.  

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ"

The body is the earthly dwelling - an "earth-suit" if you will.  It's how we get around and how we express ourselves.  It's our 5 senses and how we carry out our actions.  It's the physical area through which we relate to our environment.

The soul is not the body.   It handles, sorts out, and reacts to all events and circumstances, as well as memories of the past.  The soul houses our mind (our thinker), our emotions (our feeler), and our will (our chooser).  The soul is our personality. It's what makes us different from each other (an individual).

The spirit is what makes man (humans) different from the rest of creation.  The spirit determines our identity.  It's a component of human life where worship, fellowship, and where the Holy Spirit dwells in us.  

Before a person becomes a Christian his spirit is dead and he is separated from God by sin. Figure 2 shows what this looks like.  

Isaiah 29:2 states - "But your iniquities have separated you from God; your sins have hidden his face from you so that He will not hear."

Ephesians 2:1-3 - "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of the world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts.  Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath."

In the diagram, the "F*" represents flesh.   Flesh is a term that refers to doing things my way, separate from God.  Sometimes referred to as "self", flesh is centered over the link between our soul and our body because the wrong we do is the result of our choices (our will/thinker) carried out by our body.  The upper right corner the figure 2 shows how we are separated from God by our sin.  

Here's the cool part.   God knows that there is no way we are ever good enough to meet his measurement for eternal life.  Since He loves us so much He sent an intercessor to take care of things for us - His son, Jesus Christ.  He died on the cross and took the punishment for our sins so we don't have to.  He was raised from the dead by God and was taken up into heaven to sit with God.  His death and resurrection made possible the gift of Grace and forgiveness for anyone willing to accept it.  

Here's an important thing to know.   When I became a Christian I died in spirit with Jesus Christ on the cross.  My spirit was buried with Him.  When He was resurrected from the dead I was also resurrected and I now sit with God along with him.  Figure 4 shows this progression and the following verses from the Bible support it.  

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God.

Romans 6:4, 5 "We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may life a new life.  If we have been united with Him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection."

Ephesians 2:4-6  "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by Grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus.

Grace is a gift.  You can't earn it.  No amount of doing good things will get you into heaven.  You can't buy it.  Giving money to charitable causes and helping those in need won't get you there.  You have to believe - and you have to receive the gift.  It's that simple.  What's more - when you accept the gift of Grace you exchange your sinful and dead spirit for the life of the Holy  Spirit.  I know I have the Holy Spirit in me.  He lives His life through me.  Jesus Christ is alive in me and I am no longer dead in my spirit.  

Romans 5:9-11 spells this out pretty clearly.  

"Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!  For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!  Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in  God through our Lord jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

Ephesians 1:7 also confirms this.  "In him we have redemption through his blood, for forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God's grace."

This is awesome stuff!  There is no way, in and of ourselves, that we can ever be good enough to get ourselves into eternal life with God in heaven.  God knew this - and sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and pay the price for all of our sins - past, present, and future.  Jesus Christ paid the bill for us.  All we have to do is accept the give of salvation.   And when we do, the Holy Spirit comes inside us and makes a home, giving us strength and hope to live for God.  Once you accept that gift of grace you're automatically good enough.  You can rest in it, knowing that it's all taken care of.  

As a husband (or as a man planning to marry) this is the foundation for life together with your spouse.  This is what makes you so grateful for for richer and it's what carries you through for poorer.  It's what helps you manage in sickness and how you enjoy and in health.  This - the gift of grace through the Holy Spirit inside yourself - is what makes for better so cool and manages for worse so you don't have to do it all on your own.

Thanks for checking in.