We've Moved!

Thank you for checking us out!

We are proud to announce the new 4BetterOr4Worse Community on the web!

Over the last 18 months, what started as a fit over people getting divorced has grown into a ministry that mentors, supports, and encourages married Christian men.  In our effort to provide that support and encouragement, we created www.4BetterOr4Worse.org - providing information and resources to both the mentors and those being mentored.  

Thank you for your past support and I invite you to move on over and become part of our new web community.  We'll see you there!

A Week From Now...

A week from now, on May 1st, our new web community will be up and running. This blog will be part of that new community and will continue there, just as it has been here. There may not be much here on Blogger between now and then. On May 1st I will make a final post here, giving you a link and directing you to the new web site.

4BetterOr4Worse has grown from one man's editorial blog to a ministry. This could not have been done without your support and encouragement. I'd like to take this time to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that support and invite you to the new web site to continue there. Your support and participation will mean the success of whatever we do there.

Thank you - and I'll see you on May 1st!

Bert

Standing Before Your Enemies

As you get up in the morning, shower and shave, and get ready for your day, what enemies are you going to face today? Are your enemies on the outside - a boss that you don't see eye-to-eye with, another call from the mortgage company warning you of impending foreclosure, the colonoscopy you really don't want to drop trou for? Or are your enemies on the inside - a habit you can't shake, really not feeling good about yourself, some difficult choices you need to make?

Enemies are something common to the Old Testament in the bible. God's people fought enemies all the time. They won some and got their butts handed to them in others.

I'm sitting here, searching through BibleGateway.com, looking for Biblical support to confront someone on something that just isn't right in his life. As it usually happens, I've found an awesome piece of God's word that I'd like to share with you about how to defeat your enemies.

Let me set the stage for this story for you a bit. God had just defeated the city of Jericho through Joshua. In Joshua 6 God says to Joshua,

"See, I have given Jericho into your hand, with its king and the valiant warriors..."

God also warned Joshua the the men of Israel were not to take any of the plunder for themselves. All the silver, gold, iron, and bronze would be taken and claimed for God. Nothing was to be taken for personal treasure hunting. Everything that was not taken in to God's claim was to be destroyed.

In Chapter 7, they went to battle against another city, Ai. This city was thought to be an easy victory. In fact, the men sent to gather intelligence information reported that they wouldn't need very many soldiers at all. So, Joshua went up against the city of Ai with 3,000 men. They promptly got their butts kicked! Joshua went back to the arc in the temple and had a very frank and personal conversation with God. He was so upset that he tore his clothes off and went face down on the ground! When was the last time you had that kind of intense exchange with God?

This is what God said to Joshua:

Joshua 7:10-13

¹⁰So the LORD said to Joshua, "Rise up! Why is it that you have fallen on your face?

¹¹"Israel has sinned, and they have also transgressed My covenant which I commanded them. And they have even taken some of the things under the ban and have both stolen and deceived. Moreover, they have also put them among their own things.

¹²"Therefore the sons of Israel cannot stand before their enemies; they turn their backs before their enemies, for they have become accursed. I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy the things under the ban from your midst.

¹³"Rise up! Consecrate the people and say, 'Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow, for thus the LORD, the God of Israel, has said, "There are things under the ban in your midst, O Israel. You cannot stand before your enemies until you have removed the things under the ban from your midst."

There are three things here that I want to share with you. First, God says "Get up"! It's simple really. Get up - stand tall. You're a child of God and you can rest in the knowledge that he'll take care of you.

The second thing God says is in verses 11 and 12 where he says "Look people, you're not living right. And as long as you don't live right I'm not going to be with you!" God was with them at Jericho and gave them the city. Yet, they disobeyed and kept plunder for themselves. When they went to Ai God was not with them and they got a good old fashioned whoopin'.

The last thing God says to Joshua is in verse 13. He says "You can fix this." The word consecrate means to purify - to make the dirty things clean. God told Joshua that if the people of Israel would purify themselves He would be with them again.

What this meant for Joshua and the people of Israel was survival. Being in the desert without God would mean the death and extinction of God's people. God was offering them an all-or-nothing proposition. If you're with me, I'll give you wonderful things. If you're not with me, you die. There was no settlement in the middle.

So, for us as men, when we get out of bed in the morning and face our enemies, we need to make sure that we go with God. It's very simple. Start each day with God and He will take your through your day with His protection and grace. Start each day on your own, using your own strength and your own resources, and your enemies are going to beat you up.

It says so in the Bible.

John 13:17 "If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them.

The Gift and the Celebration

The entire confidence of Christianity hangs on Easter Sunday morning when Jesus Christ came up from the pit of hell and returned to a live physical form.  The resurrection broke the stranglehold that sin and death had on a law-based Jewish culture and cemented eternal life for everyone (not just for the Jews).  It completed the gift of God's grace to a sinful human race. 

I've witnessed a few incredible things in my 40-some years on this planet.  I've seen 2 space shuttles blow up and watched in disbelief.  I've also watched the surreal footage of the World Trade Center collapse on September 11.  I sat at my brother's dining room table and helped plan his funeral with him - never believing he could really ever die.

To me, it would seem unbelievable that Jesus was dead in the first place.  I'm not surprised that the group had issues with the fact that he might be alive.  I imagine there was a lot of confusion about whether Jesus was "still" alive or alive "again".  They didn't know the whole story.  In fact, they were the story.  

That's kind of where I want to focus this post.  When Jesus came to be with them all for the first time after the resurrection He asked them a question.  

Luke 24:38, 39

³⁸He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? ³⁹Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have."

It's hard to determine the level of emotion Jesus was feeling when he asked the question.  Did he ask this with a loving smile on his face?  Was he frustrated at their doubts and confusion?  I wasn't there.  I don't know.  But I do know that he showed up to prove the resurrection to those who chose to meet together.  

We have the benefit of reading the story from beginning to end.  We can point to them and say "yeah - why didn't they believe?" because we know the end of the story.  Because they were the story, they didn't have the same point of reference.  Still, they were expected to believe.  

As married men, we all have our relationship struggles.  We struggle in our relationship with God.  We struggle in our relationship with our wives.  We struggle in our relationships with our kids.  Life is like that.  Nothing new here.  But when it comes to dealing with our struggles, how much belief to we have that God is here to take care of everything?  Or put another way - how little belief causes us to try to handle our struggles out of our own resources and energy?  We are our own stories.  Sometimes it's difficult to put our complete faith in God when we can't see the ending to the story.  

Unlike the disciples and the people gathered in the room in Luke 24, we have the benefit of knowing how that story ends.  True, each of us in our marriages are our own story and we might be afraid, frustrated, or angry about the current chapter we're in.  Yet, because we know the ending to that story, we can be confident in the ending to our own stories - if we believe.

Faith - believing - is a difficult thing on the nuts and bolts level.  I believe there is a God.  I believe that Jesus Christ died to save me from myself and from hell.   That's the easy part.  The hard part is to believe that God will take care of me through the current crisis chapter I'm in.  It's to believe that if I give up my relationship with my wife to God that he will make it better than it could be if I try to take care of it on my own.  It's difficult to trust that God will heal the hurts and uncertainty done to a relationship through addiction, adultery, dysfunction, terminal illness, unplanned pregnancy, car accidents, law suits, financial distress, job loss - and the list goes on.  It's difficult to trust because, in those situations, we are the story being written and we aren't sure how it will end.  

I saw the movie Bedtime Stories with my family last night.  In the movie the Adam Sandler character tells his niece and nephew that there are no happy endings in real life.  At the end of the movie, the kids and the narrator (the late father) teach him about happy endings in real life.  

In Luke 24: 34-39, Brother Luke, Jesus Christ, and our not-so-late Father God - teach us about happy endings in our real lives.  If you believe - really trust on a day-by-day, hour-by-hour level of trust - you're guaranteed a happy ending to your story.  

It's Easter weekend.   There's a lot of reason for celebration.  Yet, there's still a lot of pain and hurt out there in relationships.  If this Easter weekend isn't a weekend of celebration for you, leave a comment so we can pray for you.  And if you need to reach out for some  help, we can do that too.  

Thanks for stopping by.

The Gift and the Cost of the Gift

If you're starting to notice a theme in the stuff you read here you're probably right. The keystone of this ministry is salvation through Jesus Christ and the gift of Grace. Well, actually, that's part 1. Part 2 is how the gift of grace affects your relationships with the people around you. Those two things, taken together, are the two sole ingredients in making your marriage a better place. With Easter upon us, I'm making an attempt to show you how these things fit together in a very real and personal way. I believe that it's easy to lose the reality and the impact of Easter in all the noise of impending springtime, NCAA Basketball, a nice Easter ham, and a long nap.

So that you and I wouldn't have to - Jesus was laid out on a wooden cross. Iron spikes, 4 to 6 inches long, were hammered through his wrists into the wooden beams. Then his feet were positioned, one on top of the other, and a spike hammered through the tops of both feet into the beam. The cross was then set vertical in a hole and large wooden shim pressed into the hole on either side to hold it in place. If the scourging that the Roman soldiers gave him was the beginning of the end, this was the end of the end. I don't know about you - but I cannot wrap my brain around the amount of excruciating pain that was dealt out when Jesus was hung on the cross. It should have been me - It should have been you. He did that so that you and I wouldn't have to.

There were two others. Jesus' cross was set in between two other crosses where two other criminals were also being executed. Two guys, both convicted criminals. One of them got it, the other one didn't. As the soldiers and the Jewish leaders were lobbing insults at Jesus from the ground one of the other men being executed bated him with a sarcasm.

Luke 23:39 "One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

I think this was the guy who had issues of personal responsibility. "I was framed, man! I didn't do this!" You know the type - the reason why he's here is because someone else screwed up. It's not his fault and it's so unfair that he's being held responsible for it.

The other man was different, maybe more quiet and remorseful. He understood his part in the events that were playing out. He knew where his responsibilities lay. He got it - that he deserved to be hanging there for the wrong things he did.

Luke 23:40, 41 "But the other criminal rebuked him . 'Don't you fear God,' he said, 'since you are under the same sentence? we are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong."

This guy had humility and maturity. I am punished justly, for I am getting what my deeds deserve. He got it! And for his humility and responsibility he was rewarded.

Luke 23:43 "Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

So many times I see husbands full of pride and ego, like the first criminal. There is no humility in the way they relate to their wives. The attitude is that if anything is wrong in the relationship someone else better take care of it. Don't frame me for being the bad guy. I didn't do anything to get us in this place! The only thing being executed here is the marriage.

It takes the crucifixion of one's self in order for a man to gain the attitude of the other criminal. Hey, I know I screwed this up. I have a part in the dysfunction of this relationship. I own this but I don't want it to stay this way.

I want to leave you with this. It's a quote from the material that is used in the Exchanged Life Conference at the Life Center in Grand Rapids, MI.

Jesus Christ gave his life for us,

so that he could give his life to us,

in order to live his life through us

Think about how the gift of grace and what Jesus Christ did on the cross can affect you - and in turn, effect your relationship with your wife.

Thanks for stopping by.

The Gift and the Gift Card.

This ministry is based on something very simple yet almost too incredible to believe. The fact that Jesus Christ came from heaven - His sole purpose was to hang out with humans long enough for us to get to know him and then die a vicious death to pay for all the wrong things we did, do, and will do - ever. That was it - the entire mission. He came. He taught. He paid, because he loves us. And then He was taken back up to heaven.

In Mark's account of his time with Jesus he recounts the abuse that Jesus endured for me. In chapter 14 Mark tells how Jesus was before the Jewish ruling counsel and how they physically beat him with their fists, slapped his face, and spit on him. But this abuse just scratches the surface. Later, in chapter 15, Mark tells about how the roman soldiers scourged him. If you've ever seen the movie The Passion of the Christ, you now are aware of what a scourging is. Even as I write this I get queasy over the memory of that scene. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, a scourge is a handle with many leather cords attached to it. Today it's most commonly referred to as a cat o' nine tails. Often, metal objects were attached to the ends of the tails so that when it hit the skin it would tear it open. Even after the scourging, Mark tells us that the roman court pressed the crown on thorns into his head, spit on him some more, and beat him in the head with a stick.

My friend, you and I were separated from God by the sin in our lives. God saw this and he didn't like it. He wanted a way to have a relationship with us again. The only way He could do that was to have Jesus Christ endure this punishment and eventually die and go to hell - all so that you and I could have a relationship with God again. You and I should have been the one spit on, beaten up, and scourged - our skin ripped apart in searing pain. You and I are the ones who rightly deserve to die and go to hell for the sin in our lives. But God doesn't want us to go to hell. He doesn't want us to die. He loves us and wants a relationship with us. He wants us to be with Him.

Jesus Christ took our place in the beatings, the abuse, the death, and our place in hell so that we could go on living in community with God. He loved us that much. He gave us this gift - the gift of forgiving the wrong things we do and a seat with him in heaven forever. We don't have to pay for it - the price has already been paid. We can't earn it like a paycheck. It comes with no strings attached - it's free!

For Christan married men, this gift comes with a gift card attached. The card says just one thing on it:

Ephesians 5:25
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."

*If you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as the one who saves you from the wrongs you do in your life you're still separated from God. If you want to change this, send an e-mail to Info@4BetterOr4Worse.org and someone will contact you and help you make this happen in your life. We can't do it without him, and what's more is that we were never meant to.

Encouragement 101

In the last week I've really been made aware of the value of encouragement and of the large number of people who desperately need it. There are two people in my personal life who are in crisis and I answered a call for help from one of my facebook friends who posted a "lament" about bad things happening to a friend of hers. I have a good friend who is far from home and his support group, and is drowning in the struggle to find and keep a job and establish himself in a new community. The past 24 hours have found me trying to figure out how to encourage him - man to man.

My answer to most of these types of questions is to get back to basics. So, this morning I cracked open the Good Book and started thumbing my way through the New Testament. I wonder how many men are like me - plenty familiar with the front half of the New Testament but not so much with the back half. There's some great stuff back there! The Apostle Paul does a lot of encouraging through letters to pastors in the middle part of the New Testament. His letters to the Philippians, Titus, Timothy, and the Hebrews are all about encouragement and motivation. In my back to basics philosophy, you can not only receive encouragement from these books of the Bible but you can also take a lesson in the how to's of encouragement as well. If there's someone in your life that has really hit a rough stretch of road in life and needs some propping up, this is where you figure out how to do it. Most of these books are not a long read - some of them can be read in just a few minutes.

I am by no means an expert in encouragement. Yet, I think there's a right way and a wrong way to encourage someone. In my efforts to encourage my friend I'm taking some cues from the way Paul writes his letters and I've found a few things that might help you if you're in the same boat.

1. The template.
   I've been accused of being very analytical and left brained, rigidly conforming to templates for my actions and reactions to things in life. While that may be a valid criticism of my habits, I think there is some value in it. Paul's letters of encouragement all have similar elements. There's a greeting before he gets down to business. Paul uses the greeting to express his heartfelt love and concern for the people he's writing to. Then he gets down to business. He addresses issues with heartfelt sincerety and sound principles. Paul is a master at delivering love with accountability - truth with grace. In the end, he turns personal again, leaving the reader with a very heartfelt goodbye.
   
   
2. Grace and Peace
   Frequently, in his letters, Paul starts out the letter by using the phrase "Grace and Peace be with you". I think it's important that those two elements become the goal of our encouragement. Grace and peace come from God - no where else. But we who are doing the encouragement are the hands and feet of God. We men, as brother's in Christ, are the method by which God delivers his grace and peace. I think it's really important that we keep this in the forefront of our minds when we set out to encourage and motivate another person.
   
   
3. Prayer.
   Paul prayed a lot! Often, when we are in a position to encourage someone it happens over a peroid of time and not for just one point in time (i.e. death of a family member, loss of job, divorce, etc). Pray for the person you're encouraging consistantly. Yes, it's possible that this means doing something you're not used to.
   
   
4. Truth and Grace.
   As I said before - Paul was a master at delivering accountability with a purpose. One of the venue pastors from my church said to me once "Grace always follows truth.". Accountabilty is important. At times, the reason why someone may need encouragement is because of consequences from poor choices they have made. When this is the case, as brothers in Christ, we need to shine the light on that and see it for what it is. However, grace needs to follow that truth. It has to be communicated in love and support - never with condemnation and condecention. Paul sometimes throws in references to his own failures in order to support his point of grace and to remind his reader that they're in the same boat. In other cases people are in bad spots through no fault of their own. A little different approach might be in order here. Remind them that God loves them and is in control of everything. This can be really difficult sometimes. I'm struggling with this myself. Sometimes it seems that the words "Jesus loves you" and $2 will buy you a coffee at Starbucks. My advice, for lack of anything better, is to acknowledge those feelings but continue to validate the truth. "I know that might be hard to believe right now, but it's true - God cares for you."
   
   
5. Teach - Don't Preach
   Paul always manages to maintain an attitude of sincerity. Many times, as he writes, he explains how his teaching is in their best interest. He communicate that the motivation for his teaching is because he cares for them so much and wants the very best for them. This is another critical element anytime you set out to encourage someone.
   
   
6. Humor.
   I often wonder why the writers of the contents of the Bible never included anything funny? I have been blessed by some very funny people in my life and I have recognized the asset that humor can be when encouraging someone. There are physical and emotional benefits to laughter and I think this can be an important part of encouragement - even if it's just to get someone's mind off their troubles for a few minutes. Just be careful to keep the humor appropriate. Racy or inappropriate jokes (not to be confused with bad jokes or groaners) can lead you down a path you're tying to avoid in the first place.
   
   
7. The wrap up.
   I think it's important when you end your time with someone that you do two things - pray together and let them know you love them.
   

I've written this for two reasons - First, I hope you find some value in what's written in this post. Second, one learns by doing. To that end I'm teaching myself by writing this to you. If you have anything to add, or if you think something needs to be corrected, please grab the comment box and give me your thoughts.

Thanks for tuning in.

Here We Go Again!

A friend of mine referred me to an article this afternoon that got my hackles up. It just goes to prove my point about the gong I've been bangin' about leadership in marriage and men taking seriously the God-given task of raising children - especially boys. The article is actually an excerpt from a blog and is published in the Christian Science Monitor.

The article is called The Coming Evangelical Collapse and was written by a guy named Michael Spencer. He maintains that within the next decade Evangelical Christianity will wither away and be relegated to a fringe group within a country that is secular and agnostic. While I'm not sure I agree with him on the doomsday scenario he paints for the future of American Christianity, Spencer seems to be observing a trend that I've been concerned about for a long time - the diluting of faith by a popular culture bent on tolerance.

Okay - I can dismiss this guy as a kook for saying that Christianity will all but go away before I retire to my condo and plaid golf pants. But here's where he pushed my button. When Spencer explains why he feels this is going to happen he has a laundry list of points. Number two on the list is where I start to feel my blood pressure going up:

We Evangelicals have failed to pass on to our young people an orthodox form of faith that can take root and survive the secular onslaught. Ironically, the billions of dollars we've spent on youth ministers, Christian music, publishing, and media has produced a culture of young Christians who know next to nothing about their own faith except how they feel about it. Our young people have deep beliefs about the culture war, but do not know why they should obey scripture, the essentials of theology, or the experience of spiritual discipline and community. Coming generations of Christians are going to be monumentally ignorant and unprepared for culture-wide pressures.

The thing that gets me all worked up about this point is that I believe he's right. I'm not sure our efforts have been abject failures. Still, I do believe there are many Christian fathers in our communities who would rather leave the job of training sons and daughters in the deepest values of our faith to the youth group leaders and Sunday school teachers. Unless we men step up to our positions as leaders in our homes and grapple with the tough moral issues that face our children today they WILL cave in to the pressures of the age of social tolerance. I understand this because I see this in the life of my teenage daughter who is a standout in her peer group because she's the only one among them who believes that a bisexual lifestyle is morally wrong. Has she merely chosen the wrong group of friends? I have a hard time thinking she has chosen poorly when most of them profess to be Christians! I'm thankful that my daughter and I have had the awkward and difficult discussions about these things so that she is ready to stand on her faith and her value system in the face of a culture diluted by tolerance.

Steve Farrar is the president of Strategic Living, based in Dallas Texas and the author of a great book called Point Man. He gives us men a great warning:

The enemy is no fool. He has a strategically designed game plan, a diabolical method he employs time and time again. When he wants to destroy a family, he focuses on the man. For if he can neutralize the man…he has neutralized the family. And the damage that takes place when a man’s family leadership is neutralized is beyond calculation.

The tolerance of today's popular culture isn't simply the evolutionary ebb and flow of society. This is a premeditated and tactical maneuver by the dark side. I believe it's time to call a spade a shovel and deal with it like the real men God intended us to be!

Our responsibility as fathers is to teach our children about what happened at the cross and the deep and meaningful love God has for us. We need to teach them awareness and recognition of spirits and the litmus test the Apostle John gives us for them in I John 4. Our children need to not only know the difference between right and wrong but need to be instilled with the courage of conviction to defend themselves among those who would make them look like fools for an outdated moral code.

My Bible is the Men's Study Bible by Zondervan. At the beginning of each book in my Bible is a small paragraph that sets the stage for the reading of that particular book. I noticed this week that just about every post-resurrection book in the New Testament is written to address false teachings. You have to wonder that if false teaching was such a problem in the generations of Christians immediately following the time Jesus Christ spent on earth, why would false teaching NOT be a problem in the 21st Century?

Gentleman, we need to wake up here. We have a job to do. If you're reading this post and you recognize the need to make some changes in your parenting but you're really not sure how to get from here to there, please let me know. There are resources and mentors available to help you along your journey.

This counts, guys. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Ego? Or Fear?

I had coffee a few weeks ago with my friend Ed.  He and I go all the way back to high school in 1981.  Great guy - Ed, but I never thought he'd end up a family ministries pastor at a church.  I'm very happy to have reconnected with him and we have some great discussions about our respective ministries.  One suggestion that Ed had for this blog is to pose some open ended questions.  You know - something to stimulate some comments and discussion.  Well Ed, this one's for you!

Lately, in my travels, I've noticed that the attitudes of men toward making changes in their marriages can be categorized three ways.  There are those who are willing to humble themselves and allow themselves to be stretched and challenged.  There are those who simply don't care.  The third category is those who seem to believe that none of this is their problem and if something needs to change, she better get to it.  It's this last category that has me scratching my head these last couple of weeks.

I think it's very possible that the arrogance and ego that these guys are displaying is actually a strong front for a lot of fear.  I believe that some men are afraid to be vulnerable, humble, and to have any chinks in their armor exposed.  I'm not sure where this fear comes from - it could be cultural.  After all, we live in a culture that demands independence and a resolute stance from our men.  We have to be all together - polished.  People are disappointed in us if we show signs of struggling with anything.  Maybe it's ethnic.  Here in the Dutch dominated West Michigan culture, there exists a certain arrogance among the men.  They're proud and they know what's what - even if they're full of crap.  It could be something else too.  But these are the things that come to mind.  

Whatever the case - ego or fear - culture, ethnicity, or whatever - it is clear to me that their relationships are less than ideal.  I've seen three cases in the last month where this attitude has driven marriages to the brink of failure.  What makes me curious is how this attitude makes a man blind to the crumbling of his marriage.  But, in time, when the man is sitting in his crappy one-bedroom apartment, the blinders come off and he suddenly wonders where his life went.  

So, here's the question for my good friend Ed - and for the rest of you:  If I'm right, and it's fear masquerading as arrogance, how can we help these guys over their fears and into a place where they can safely address the things that can bring joy and peace back to their marriages?  Whether it's Ed and his family ministry at his church, me in this ministry to Christian men, or Joe Smith who's wife tells him over morning coffee that the couple next door isn't doing very well and Bob refuses to go to counseling - how do we connect with these guys who have this tough outer wall of arrogance protecting their fears?  

If we could figure this out - what an impact we could have!

Let me know your thoughts.   I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for stopping by.

Improved 4BetterOr4Worse

We here at 4BetterOr4Worse are planning a spring launch of a great new web site - The 4BetterOr4Worse Community!  We're really excited about this because it will further this ministry by providing men with a place to come for on-line fellowship, a place to share prayer concerns and praise for God's goodness, and resources for a wide array of marital struggles.  In addition, there will also be a place for wives to share their insights and lend their support as well.  The blog will move there as too, so we'll still be able to share comments.  

Our goal has always been to support and encourage Christian men in marriages.  This new web community will make our support of your marriage more effective.  Our resource room, The Library, will have in residence, agencies and organizations to assist you.  I understand that marriage struggles are deeply personal and difficult to work on.  To that end we have established contacts with these organizations so that we can move you into support and resolution with grace and friendship instead of leaving you on your own with a list of 800 numbers and web addresses.

I appreciate your support and readership of this blog and I hope you'll continue to support this ministry on the new web site when it's launched later this spring.  Stay tuned for more updates.

Marriage Leadership - CEO or Farmhand?

I've been cautioned about talking to people about male leadership in marriage. My wife and I are creating a web site to build on the momentum of this blog. In putting together the verbiage in the "about us" section I used the phrase "...help men be effective leaders in their marriages...".  I suppose this can be seen as controversial.  Maybe it "raises hackles", especially for some women.  

I feel very strongly that the the whole idea of male leadership in the marriage is a misunderstood concept.  I have mixed emotions about this misunderstanding.  On the one hand I find it depressing that, even in Christian marriages, popular culture has taken us so far away from the truth.  On the other hand, I get excited about the opportunities to talk to people about this truth.  

John 13: 4,5 and 14, 15

4) so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around is waist.  5) After that, he poured water into a  basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

14) Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet you also should wash one another's feet.  15) I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 

You see, being a leader in your marriage is about significance - not about importance.  Jesus says in John that leadership starts by rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty.  It's not a title (i.e. Wiley E. Coyote -  Super Genius),  it's about humble action.  It's helping with dishes, homework, and cleaning bathrooms.  It's about recognition of important dates and events.  It's about date night, love notes, and sappy cards.  It's about being present and engaged.  It's about mowing the lawn and cleaning the gutters.  It's about recognizing and patiently understanding PMS and reacting appropriately to it.  It's about rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty.  Most importantly, it's about letting the Spirit of God inside you overflow out of you and into your relationship with your wife.  

If that doesn't do it for you let me give you one other illustration.  I heard a radio interview on a local radio station after 9/11 when we first started sending troops to Afghanistan.  The interview was between the radio DJ, a soldier who was ready to depart for the Middle East, and his dad.  The DJ asked the dad how he felt about his son going to Afghanistan to fight the terrorist influences there.  The dad explained that they lived on the family farm and that farms call their employees or workers "hands" (i.e. farm-hand).  A hand is someone who is there to help the general cause and direction of the farm.  Whether it's safely running the biggest equipment on the farm or shoveling manure out of the barn, a hand is a person who "helps".  When saying goodbye, this man told his son, the soldier, to be a hand.

No matter what your title is - leadership more about being a hand than anything else.  Jesus set the example for how to be a hand in to our wives in John 13.  In doing this, he shows us what leadership is.

Thanks for checking in.  

One is a Lonely Number

I have a lot of stuff running around in my head today. This post is going to be an attempt at tying some of it together - the result will hopefully be a challenging post.

Phil Niekirk is a guy that writes a lot of stuff for the small group studies at my church. He and his team just finished putting together a small group study on Matthew 5,6, and 7 - otherwise known as The Sermon on the Mount. This study is not just about believing in Jesus Christ, not just about learning about the teachings of Jesus Christ - it's about actually doing what Jesus Christ teaches in the Bible. Phil used a great analogy at the beginning of this study - and if he reads this he'll have to forgive me for the abrupt paraphrase of a very well written piece. Phil says that there are two types of skiers. There is the type that goes out every weekend and ski's their legs off. They may not be the best dressed, or have the best equipment, but they're always out there experiencing the slopes and enjoying the sport. In short, they get the most out of the time they spend skiing. He goes on to describe another type of person who has the best gear, the best equipment, has a lot of head knowledge about the sport, but sits in the lodge and admires the first type of skier from afar. Phil begs the question of whether this person is really a skier at all - or does this person just like the idea of being a skier. He wraps this piece up by suggesting that there are probably people out there that view their Christianity the same way. Phil asks "Is there a possibility that some people who call themselves Christians have no real interest in practicing the teachings of Jesus?"

I talk to a lot of guys about a lot of things. One thing I find is that attitudes toward church tend to run lukewarm among men. Statistics show that the majority of families who attend church are led there by the female spouse. A guy by the name of David Murrow even wrote a book title "Why Men Hate Going to Church". Even as a proponent of male leadership in Christian homes, I find that going to church is secondary to how I feel at the time (i.e. tired, guilty, busy, etc.).

So, why is going to church so important? As a young man growing up in a conservative extremist community, I bucked this all the time with my dad. You had to be very definitely ill and able to prove it before he would let you stay home. All things church were very important to my dad - chief among them was parking your butt in a pew for 2 hours every Sunday. Even on vacation, he found a church for us to go to.

Now, as I mentor men in stressed out marriages, and talk to friends who are overwhelmed by the curves that life throws at them, I understand why my dad was so adamant about it. What's more - now I can prove that it's important. To do that I'm going to walk you through a section of the Bible in the book of Acts. This book was written by the disciple Luke and describes how the Church of Jesus Christ faced challenges to its basic existence. The section in chapter 2 describes what church was like back in the day. There was no church building - no central gathering place. Today, just as then, the church is not brick and mortar, but the people whom God calls together. Let's take a look at what they had and how they functioned as a community of believers.

Acts chapter 2, verses 42-47

42They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. 44And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; 45and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Let's pick this apart a little bit.

Verse 42 - They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

I have to wonder why Luke chose to bookend this list of behaviors with teaching and prayer. My question has very little importance except that maybe it was to keep all four elements together - that fellowship and food are just as important to the unity of the group as teaching and prayer. Regardless, they taught each other, learned from each other, ate together, and had fun together.

Verse 43 - Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles.

Here it's obvious to see that God worked among them. I get from this verse that God was real, present, and impacted their lives in obvious and positive ways.

Verse 45 - and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need.

The point here is that they cared for each other. If someone in their group needed something, they took care of it. They looked out for each other. The loved each other.

Verse 46 - Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47praising God and having favor with all the people.

I believe that this verse shows that they had fun together and that they thanked God for the positive influence of the church on their individual and collective lives.

Last part of Verse 47 - And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

God took care of them. Not only did he shield them from the people who were bent on erasing the Christian church from the planet, he added to their group and made it larger.

Notice here that this whole section refers to the church as a group of Jesus Followers that spent time together - not individually. On the plains in Africa those animals that separated themselves from the herd got picked off by the predator(s). I believe that Christians are no different when they, for whatever reason, consistently neglect going to church. Satan is just waiting for you to separate yourself from the herd so that you're vulnerable and he can pick you off.

Guys, two parting thoughts. Lead your family. Don't be the reason why your family is separated and isolated from a community of people whose entire purpose is to love, support, and teach you the ways of Jesus Christ. Going back to Phil Niekirk's analogy of the skiers - don't sit in the lodge and watch. Participate.

The last thought is actually a challenge. People who go to church tend to think in terms of what they can take away from church when they leave to go home. Instead, try to think of your church as a place where someone just might be needing you. It might be something as simple as a kind word after a really bad week. You never know when and where God may use you and your life experiences to reach someone.

You matter, man. Your existence is more significant that you may think.

Thanks for stopping by.

Marriage Pro's - Bill and Anabel Gillham

This is an interview with Bill and Anabel Gillham - founders of Lifetime Guarantee.  My wife and I receive their newsletter and I'm going to publish this interview with permission from Lifetime.org.  The interview was done by Andy Knight, the president of Lifetime Guarantee Ministries.  

To use the word "veterans" to describe Bill and Anabel's marriage adventure is an understatement.  They're both in their golden years yet still work hard at  helping men and women understand what it is to have a Christ centered marriage.  

I hope you find some pearls of wisdom here.

As you are probably aware, Bill and Anabel Gillham have spoken all over the country, written numerous articles, and recorded several audio series on how to have a successful marriage.  More importantly, they've been married longer than most of us have been alive.  Not too long ago, I sat down with these marriage veterans and asked them a few hard questions.

After offering me a Dr. Pepper (which I never refuse), Bill and Anabel snuggled up on their living room love seat.  Like young newlyweds, Bill draped his left arm over Anabel's shoulder, and she rested her right hand on his knee.  They look so comfortable and...together.  I jumped right in with my first question.  

AK:  What would you say is one of the biggest struggles that couples face in marriage?

Bill (B): The single life is very different.  Singles make their own decisions and don't have to explain their feelings.  The most difficult thing in marriage is realizing that you are not operating independently anymore.  You have to learn to work around and with each other.  

What do you know now about marriage that you didn't know before you were married?

B:  About 98% [laughter]

AK:  You both have obviously learned to work around each other.  Couples are getting divorced left and right these days and here you are at 50+ years of marriage.  You obviously know something about having a great marriage.

Anabel (A):  Couples today don't have expectations that their marriage will last a lifetime, but when we were married, we believed marriage was to be a lifelong commitment.  We just didn't know how to make it enjoyable.  

AK:  You mentioned "lifelong commitment".  Is that how your marriage survived?

B:  When we were married, divorce was disgraceful, so we simply endured each other.  Had we married today, it surely would not have lasted.  Part of the reason for failed marriages today is that we think it's our love for one another that will hold the marriage together and the couple will say, "We just don't love each other any longer."  Love does not hold the marriage together.  The marriage holds the love together.  The "feelings" of love can fade over time, but commitment to Christ through us in the marriage will enable a couple to stay the course.  

B&A:  By the grace of God, we later discovered that the answer to having  a successful marriage was allowing Christ to love one another through us.  Before we learned that, it was sheer commitment, not happiness, that kept us together.  

AK:  It sounds like your marriage has passed through different states?

B:  The first stage is where the husband is mentally retarded.

A:  Yes, for us the first stage was a husband who was indulged in childhood and carried that into the marriage.  That stage could be called "survive to please  Bill" and lasted even into Bill's Christian years.  The second stage was learning what we needed to do to solidify our relationship, and that was the "Coming to Know Christ as Life" stage.  In the stage that we're in now, we have accepted that we are going to be together.  We don't want out.  In fact, getting out was never an option.  We have begun to allow Christ to live through us and are coming to understand what marriage is all about.  It is learning to trust Christ to express His life through us to each other.  

AK:  So now that you're in this good stage, are there differences for you both in how you express love to each other?

A:  I often "loved" Bill by doing instead of being.  My pattern for being loved was to work very hard to please people so I tried to show Bill my diligent efforts - the things I did for him - that I loved him.  He doesn't need that.  He needs me to be his wife - not his maid or cook.

B:  Commitment must be spelled with time and effort.  This is how I love Anabel, giving her security in our marriage.  

AK:  If you could do you marriage over again what would you do differently?

G:  It would be fun to have known Christ as my new life before we got married.  But I also believe that an integral part of our pilgrimage were the bad days we went through.  It was the negatives as well as the positives that produced the current stage of our marriage.  yes, it was painful and ugly, but I can see that it took that to put me where I am today.  Believe me, I have not arrived!  I have a long way to go.

AK:  Do you have any other advice that you would like to give couples that are about to be married?

B:  It is very important for a couple to know the power package of what God accomplished for us as new creations in Christ.  Through Jesus Christ we have an immediate change of our identity.  In the Bible, God calls us "saints" 42 times after his death on the cross.  We went from being a sinner to a saint; from being an enemy of God to a friend of God; a rejected loser to an accepted winner; a person fighting for love to a person loved by our Creator beyond our comprehension; and from a clueless marriage partner not especially interested in changing to a partner seeking change to become a successful marriage partner. 

A:  Listening to each other is an indispensable element in a good marriage and listening is very hard to do.  You must be aware that marriage is hard work and be prepared to give of yourself.

B:  It's also important to know each other's needs.  Even though the male is typically a bonehead in this area, he can learn and then look to Christ living through him to make the difference.  

I want to thank Bill and Anabel for answering my questions.  What an amazing example they are off a Godly marriage.  We'd love to hear from you about how knowing Christ as Life and understanding who you are in Christ has helped your marriage.

Andy.

Off On A Rant

 Forgive me.  I'm about to go on a rant ala Dennis Miller.  

Not long ago I found out that another marriage has bought the farm.  Once again, this is a couple that I hold as a good friend.  Tonight I find myself shaking my fist angrily at God and asking "How many more of my friends need to go through this?  This just isn't right!"

In any trial there is a prosecution and a defense.  In divorce proceedings there  is a prosecution and a defense on each side.  All four elements engage in a battle, each side using their prosecution and defense resources to impugn the other into submission or retreat until a judge declares - not a victory - but a cease fire.  

I'm so upset by this that I sat my analytical self down and attempted to make an outline, methodically laying out everything I wanted to say in this blog post.  In the end it all seemed like crap.  So please bear with me as I try to communicate to you what my heart feels.  

Guys, your home is the most important thing you have.  It's not just outlets, toilet valves, and shingles.  It's your home base of operations.  It's your fallout shelter from the blasts of the world.  It's the operations and logistics center for everyone in your home.  It's the war room where you solve problems and settle differences.  It's the oasis where you find peace and rest.  There are two very basic and very important aspects of your home that you have to understand clearly in order to prevent the retaining of legal counsel to impose a cease fire to the dysfunction.  

First, you have to understand that your home has a physical realm and a spiritual realm.  In the physical realm you close and lock all your doors and windows when you leave the house and when you go to sleep at night.  Why?  Obviously, to prevent those who would do you harm and steel your valuables from doing so.  It's common sense.  The same thing is true in the spiritual realm.  You need to take care to secure your home spiritually from those who would do you harm and take your valuables.  If you leave a door or a window unlocked or open it's an invitation for satan to come in and do harm to your relationship with your wife and your kids, rob you of your patience, your understanding, your leadership - leaving you with self doubt, anger, frustration, and all kinds of other bad stuff.  A guy can continually leave a spiritual window open and suddenly wake up in a crappy one bedroom apartment with the realization that everything he had has been taken from him.  You have to secure your home on the spiritual level as-well-as the physical level!

The second, and most important, aspect is that your relationship with God is directly connected with everything in your home - physically and spiritually.  How you humble yourself before God, acknowledge the Holy Spirit inside you, and choose to live under grace - OR NOT - will have a direct and immediate impact on your home and everyone in it.  

Please take some time today to be by yourself, in a quiet place, and make an honest evaluation of where you are with these two very important aspects of your home.  If you search your heart and you decide that you're on a pretty good track, then I'm happy for you - God bless you as you continue.  If you're struggling - if you know things aren't right - and you're not at all sure of how to bale out your boat before it goes under, please let me know.  There is help for you here.

Who Provides You With Your Stuff?

I've been unemployed for nine months now.  During this time I have often asked God (sometimes out of frustration and anger) why he seems to not want me to provide for my family.  More times than I can count, I have told people "I don't want to be wealthy.  I just want to have enough to pay the bills!  Why can't God appreciate that?"  It hasn't been until the last couple of months that I've begun to understand the answer to that question.  

As men we are given this notion that we need to provide for our families.  Even in families where both husband and wife work outside the home to make ends meet, often it's the man who has the larger of the two incomes.  Without that job, the family would be hard pressed to continue in the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed.  It's this mentality that has led to the cultural impression that a man's identity is largely wrapped around his career.  Without a job or a career, what is a man?   Take away his ability to work and you largely take away his masculinity.  Another thing that I've told a lot of people through this experience is that men are not made to be home during the day.  

Going back a few posts ago, I mentioned that my family's past is largely wrapped around farming - mostly dairy farming.  My uncle Al had a saying - "Everything we have comes from udders."  That saying made a lot of people chuckle.  The point here is that Al had it right when he implies that things (i.e. success, houses, cars, TV's, stereos, vacations, etc.) don't come from our own efforts.  I see your eyebrows quirking here.  I know that you put in a lot of overtime to buy that truck.  I know that the government took money out of your hard earned paycheck and gave it back to you (interest free) in the form of a tax return that you used to buy that 52 inch plasma TV.  It's your money, right?  You worked hard for that!

Here's what I've learned - and it might upset you.  It's not your money.  It's not your truck.  It's not your plasma TV.  It's not your stereo.  It's not your Blackberry.  It's not yours, it's not mine, it doesn't belong to the bank or the credit card company either.

Let's take a look:

Job 1:10, 11

Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.

Job has become the biblical cliche for the man who lost everything he had.  Still, ask yourself how he got everything he had.  These verses clearly state that even satan knew that everything Job had came from God's provision.

Luke 12:21-34

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 

Here, Jesus tells all who follow him - "Look.  I'll take care of you.  Don't depend on your own provision - depend on mine."

I Kings 17: 2-4

Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: 3 "Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. 4 You will drink from the brook, and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there."

God provided Elijah with food and water even when He scorched the rest of the surrounding land.  

John 6: 10-13

10Jesus said, "Have the people sit down." There was plenty of grass in that place, and the men sat down, about five thousand of them. 11Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

 12When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." 13So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.

Jesus provided food for all these people who had nothing.  What's more, he did it in a way that was obvious to his followers so they could see how His love provides.  

Guys, I've learned a hard lesson from being unemployed.  For a long time I've been leaning on my own abilities to provide for myself and my family. You can argue that the reason why I lost my job was because my focus was in the wrong direction - I'm not sure I know that for certain.  Yet, I can tell you that I have been humbled before God.  Even now, I wait on God daily for His provision for my family.  As I write this I know that I have enough to get my family through the day.  But tomorrow is still in question.

Am I content?  Contentment is difficult when you can only see the next step in front of you.  Am I where I want to be at this point when I'm in my 40's?  Not even close!  But I think the real question is am I where God wants me to be?   That is the quest that I am on.  

I encourage you to re-evaluate your attitude toward who provides you with your stuff.  In addition, if you have a lot of stuff - stuff God has provided you with - how are you using it?  If you really believe that it all belongs to God (the house, the car, the boat, the 4-wheeler) are you using it for own enjoyment or could you be using the stuff to help other people see  God in your life?

Thanks for stopping by.

Serve your way to Significance

By now you know that I'm a big proponent of male leadership in marriage and home.  When I talk to people about husbands and wives and the roles they play in a marriage I get all kinds of responses.  When I talk about the roles of husbands and wives in the context of the Bible things get even more interesting, especially when I'm talking to women.  If you've read any of my stuff you know that I hold I Peter 3:1-7 as the model for Christian marriages.  Why Peter decided to talk about the woman's role first I have no idea.  People get so upset of the first two or three verses that they never get to verse 7.  

I Peter 3:1-7

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

 7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These verses are not about stuffing women into insignificance while promoting men above them.  In fact, in verse 7 Peter says just the opposite.  In terms of salvation and eternal life, women are equals. 

Male leadership in the marriage is NOT:

• Oppressive - "I will decide for my wife!"
• Dictatorial - "You will do as I say!"
• Egotistical - "I know what's best!"

Luke adds another twist to things when he recounts the experience of the last supper before the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

 24Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. 27For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.

If we overlay the statements of Jesus according to Luke over top of what Peter says in I Peter 3:7 we get a clear picture of how men achieve significance in our marriages.  Significance (i.e. effective leadership) is achieved through an attitude - service.  

Male leadership, as God intended it, IS: supportive, considerate, loving, collaborative, wise, respectful, humble, transparent, teaching by example, and dependent on the Holy Spirit.  Honestly, what wife wouldn't want this in a husband?

Here are two examples:

First, check out a book called the 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.  If you don't have it, buy a copy.  In the book Dr Chapman refers to 5 basic behaviors that husbands and wives both relate to.  Everyone can relate to words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  Dr. Chapman challenges husbands and wives to learn not only what your love language is - but more importantly, the love language of your spouse.  Then, speak to her in that language.   

The second example goes back to a chat I had with Michigan State Senator, Bill Hardiman.  Mr Hardiman talked to me about sowing seeds.  He recounted to me a time in his marriage when his wife was angry with him all the time and they were miserable together.  Faced with divorcing a second time, he decided to make some changes.  He called it "sowing good seeds".  He encouraged me by saying that all seed takes time to grow - even the bad seeds.  If you've been sowing bad seed it's still going to grow and you have to deal with the responsibility of what you've sown.  Yet, he was very specific in saying that the same is true of sowing good seed.  It takes time to grow.  You don't plant a kernel of corn today and get a full ear tomorrow.  Still, the more you sow the better off you'll be in the future.   Mr Hardiman's consistent effort to sow good seed over time proved to be the thing that turned his marriage around.  Over time, the bad stuff ran it's course and died out.   In it's place, the good seeds grew and the good things in his relationship with his wife grew.

Both Dr. Chapman and Senator Hardiman show us how an attitude of service can help us answer God's call to leadership and significance in our marriages and in our homes.  

In I John 13:17, the Apostle John says, "Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."  

Thanks for stopping by.

Sex and Fruit

I've been talking to people recently about sexual relationships, pornography, and how they relate to everyday marriage relationships.  This led me to re-read a very good book by Lewis Smedes called Sex for Christians.  I've also had one eye on the 3-part man concept, where the Holy Spirit lives through a Christian person.  I know from Smedes and from my Bible that sexual intimacy is this awesome thing God gave us that (when he created us in his own image) that is both physical and spiritual - logical and irrational - predictable yet mysterious.  the truth is that, when it's gotten right, sexual intimacy is a thing that the human vocabulary, in any language, cannot accurately and exactly describe.  

I believe that when a husband and wife are living fully in the spirit, the pleasure and ecstasy  of sexual union is limitless.  As indescribably awesome as that is, the sad reality is that this potential is left unrealized in the majority of marriages.  Further and tragically, some spouses use the miracle of married intimacy as a weapon.  What's more, I believe that a couple's sex life is a pretty accurate measure of the rest of the marriage.  As things go in the bedroom, so things go in day in -day out life.  

As I said before, I've had a lot of thoughts on sex and intimacy running through my head in the last week or so.  Finally, there is some clarity coming to all the chaos.  I've come up with an experiment, and i'd like to invite you (challenge you) to try it with me.  This will require some effort on your part; but you're a real man, so I'm sure you'll have no problem with it.  

First, you'll need to locate your Bible.  Look up Proverbs 5:18,19 and Galatians 5:22 and read them over well.  I'm not going to quote them here because I want you to go out and find them.  The next step is to set aside some time alone with your wife and talk to her about this experiment.  Remember, these things work best when you involve your spouse.  Secret spouse improvement missions usually end badly and I discourage them.  

The idea is to take the encouragement of Solomon, the Bible's most celebrated lover, and overlay the Fruit (not fruits) of the Spirit over it.  How cool would it be if you and your spouse could enjoy each other the way he encourages in the Proverb and add to it joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control?

The last part of the challenge is to work this out with your wife.  Take an hour at Starbucks or turn off the TV after the kids go to bed.  Discuss the concept with her and, together, decide what this looks like in your bedroom.  Every married couple is different.  You and your spouse have a completely different dynamic in your intimacy that I and my wife do.  Don't be afraid to talk about how the elements of Galatians 5:22 will work under the sheets.

A final note.  Guys - tattoo these three Bible verses somewhere where they'll be in the front of your mind all the time.  Tape them on the steering wheel of your car, the bathroom mirror, put them on the screen-saver of your laptop, make a new ring-tone - anything that will keep you focused on them.  I'm gonna take a cue from my 14 year old daughter who writes everything on her hand.

Let's see what happens when we look to a couple of Biblical all-stars to craft (<---that's a verb ) a better life with our spouses.

Thanks for stopping by.

Lessons From the Farm

Most of my family has been involved in farming to one extent or the other.  The time I spent on my uncle's farm along with countless stories from my family about their life experiences, taught me a lot about the rewards and satisfaction of hard work and more than one life lesson.  

If you've never been to a horse pulling competition I would encourage you to find time to get down to the county fair to see it.  It's an amazing display of beauty and raw power as these magnificent animals compete.  Two horses are hitched together and the driver leads them out to the stone boat that can weigh anywhere from 7000 to 10,000 pounds.  The driver takes his seat on the boat and the hands drop the hitch pin into the clevis on the boat.  As soon as the horses hear that pin drop they squat down and start pulling.  It's incredible!  

A wise old horseman once told me some facts from down on the farm that give a very simple illustration of what life could be like for couple if they would only invest some effort into their relationships.   A single draft horse can pull as much as two or three thousand pounds all by itself.  Put another horse with it and two can pull double the weight - maybe a bit more.  But if those two horses are hitched together regularly, get to know one another, and are trained by the horseman, the two - working with what they've learned about each other - can pull upwards of ten thousand pounds.

As I think about it, I'm more than a little frustrated about how little effort American culture is willing to expend on being married and how quick people are to quit the team.  It's true - a single parent can raise a family.  It's also true that a two parent family works better (pulls more weight).  But think of the possibilities of a man and wife who work together, leveraging their strengths and compensating for each other's weaknesses and what an impact they can make on their world!   That's awesome stuff!  

All to often though, we seem to be hitched together - one horse going in one direction and the other in another direction.  As husband and wife we're not even facing the same direction, let alone pulling anything together.  In some cases they're hitched but only one horse is pulling and the team just goes around in circles.  All this wasted potential frustrates me to no end when I hear of yet another couple filing for divorce.  

I want more than anything to see the couples closest to me side-by-side in the hitch, taking lessons from the master horseman, and getting as much distance out of every pull in life that they can.  

If you're married, make time this summer to take your spouse to the fair on horse pulling night.  Buy her some cotton candy and take a lesson from the farm.   You won't regret it.